
CQFaUGHT DEPOSm 



FARMER HIRAM on 
the WORLD'S WAR 




By 
LINDLEY GRANT LONG 



\ L.4 ho 



COPYRIGHT 1920 

By LINDLEY GRANT LONG 

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



Christian publishing association. Dayton. Ohio 

AUG -2 1920 
©GU571847 



iPotetDorl) 



In making his bow, Farmer Hiram asks no apologies, 
and begs nobody's pardon. He did not cause the war, 
nor even suggest it; but has simply attempted to tell 
the plain, unvarnished story of the tragic affair. Soon 
after its outbreak, he felt it an impelling duty to 
write a true history of the great conflict, and thereby 
render a service to mankind by rescuing posterity from 
a perverted and improper conception of the same. Be- 
ing merely a disinterested spectator, he could only see 
it from that standpoint ; and, consequently, has striven 
to look upon all relevant matters with an eye of fairness 
and impartiality. He does not consider himself 
responsible for the facts — only for relating them. He 
does not consider himself responsible for men's motives 
— only for interpreting them. If people don't choose 
to do right, that's their fault ; if Hiram fails to tell the 
truth about what they do, or why they do it, that's his 
fault. He could not, of course, expect every one to 
agree with him on all points; and this fact is pretty 
good evidence that somebody may be looking through 
smoked glasses. He has simply given his view of the 
grim struggle as he sees it, and in his own way; and 
gladly concedes the same privilege to others. While 
the greater part of this work was completed amid the 
dust and grime of the conflict, still, Hiram is perfectly 
willing that his judgments and conclusions shall be 
left to the tender mercies of Time, and to the charity of 
a discriminating public. 

The Author. 

Dayton, Ohio, June 30, 1920. 

iii 



Contents; 



Foreword iii 

The Beginnin' . 7 

Cumin' uv the Bear 12 

On the Rollin' Wave 17 

The Fruits uv War 22 

Noodrals and the War 28 

Boreas and Battle 32 

The "Sick Man" Made Well 37 

Skinnin' uv the Bear 45 

Buttin' the Granite Wall 52 

Cannin' the Serb 58 

Trubbles uv Neptune 65 

Skybugs and Battle 72 

End uv the Second Round 77 

Roundin* the Edges 84 

Runnin' Amuck 90 

When Victor Got Gay 97 

Lured to the Shambles 104 

The Double-Header 113 

Leviathan Meets Leviathan 120 

The Dove in Full Armor 129 

Forgin' the Iron Ring 135 

Sum Onexpected Surprizes _ 141 

Lassoin' the Buckin' Bronco 147 

Flubdub and Out uv the Fight 155 

Thorns in the Flesh 164 

iv 



Grand Ruff-and-Tumble 173 

When Hell and the Alps Broke Loose 181 

Samuel on the Move 189 

Slippin' and Sloppin' Over 197 

A Hike to Hit and the Holy City 207 

Foilin' the Devil-Fish 215 

Stagin' Armageddon 221 

The Grapple uv the Giants 227 

Slayin' uv the Beast 236 

The Giant Cullapse 243 

The Final Review 254 

Peace, Jestice and Right .262 

Cuncludin' Observations — 273 



These Pages are Respectfully 

Dedicated to those Good Old-Fashioned 

People who Refuse to Accept War as the 

Best Means of Perfecting the Happiness 

of their Fellow-Beings. 



VI 



Farmer Hiram on the 
World's War 



CHAPTER I. 
THE BEGINNIN\ 

The biggest event ever flashed on the screen 
Fell out in the year uv Nineteen and Fourteen. 
How it all cum about, we'll never quite know, 
Perhaps, till old GabrieFs last trumpet shall blow. 
Where every one's wrong, and where every one's right, 
It's hard to diskiver the gist uv the fight. 
George sed it wuz William ; and William sed, Nick — 
But each wuz dead willin' to cast the first brick. 
To one perched outside, lookin' in thru a crack, 
It 'pears that ol' Franz heaved a bone to the pack, 
And the hul snarlin' kennel, primed fer a scrap. 
Jest bristled right in — and so, there's the first lap ! 

A racket once started, what next will take place 
Is harder to jedge than a crooked hoss-race. 
When all rules are broken that givern the game, 
Sum feller's quite likely to git a bad name. 
A mere "scrap uv paper'' don't go very far 
When sumbody's edgin' to give you a jar. 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Where war hez beginnin', the law hez an end ; 
The thing to do then is to strike, and defend. 
Each one sez the uther refused to play fair — 
And so, the hul smatter's still up in the air. 

Ez you will remember, she cum with a rush ; 
And most everybody tuck strait to the brush. 
'Twuz hurry and scurry, cunfusion and fright — 
A suddent preparin' to flee, er to fight. 
Twuz mobilize here, and 'twuz mobilize there — 
A scream frum the Eagle, a growl frum the Bear. 
Twuz either git in — er, more likely, git out — 
And make place fer uthers that elbowed about. 
No room fer the noodrals — skedaddle, skidoo! 
Cullectin' their trappings, off quickly they flew. 
A smashin' and crashing a terrible pall — 
No sinner but swore that the heavens wud fall. 
It seemed ez the floodgates uv hell had broke loose, 
And doomed the hul works — without let er excuse ! 

Now, William, he reckoned he had a dead cinch— 
Fer everything goes when you're ketcht in a pinch. 
He laft up his sleeve when he thot uv the trick 
He'd play on them poilus — and do it durn quick! 
So, off he rushed, singin' — sum millions er more — 
To wake up Paree, bustin' in the back door. 
He scasly had started, weighed down with his load, 
He met little Albert right square in the road. 
He thot it a joke when at first he flared up. 
But soon he diskivered he'd hev to call Krupp. 
Krupp sent his Big Bertha to see the thing thru — 
Then Albert got flustered and all in a stew. 
But, say what you will, he stood up like a man. 
And give naber William sum taste uv hardpan. 



THE BEGINNIN*. 

But findin' at last that his hands were too full, 
He shouted and shouted and screamed f er John Bull. 
But John, he cum late — 'tis a way that John haz — 
Before he got there he wuz licked to a fraz. 
Now John may be slow, but he's got lots uv pluck; 
He set hizself down right in front uv oV Kluck. 
"A hunch uv bum Tommies!" — a smile lit his face — 
''We'll wipe them all out, and we won't leave a trace.*' 
But 'fore he got by, he wuz frank to admit 
That Johnny Bull still hez a trifle uv grit. 
The sons uv the Belgii had showed him sum trick, 
But Tommy m'lad wuz the boy that cud stick. 
Well bumpt but not beaten, he slowly fell back — 
Sum .millions uv Heines still hot on his track. 
Beside him the poilu had taken his stand. 
And sumthin' wuz doin' now on every hand. 

Frum day unto day it wuz fight and retreat. 
And keep the thing hummin' in medder and street. 
They tussled and f ot over river and tarn. 
And never sed boo till they cum to the Marne. 
The Boche well knew gay Paree wuz in sight. 
And that wuz the thing that inspired him to fight. 
He thot 'twuz all over, and everything won, 
And nuthin* wuz left but the shoutin' and fun. 
Then wily ol' Joffre steps out uv the wood. 
And sez, ''Every Frenchman, this day, must make good!*' 
No bolt frum the heavens e'er give sich a start, 
Er sent sich a thrill thru the weak human heart. 
No jungle uv tigers e'er fot in the pit. 
Like poilu, and Tommy, and all the hul kit. 
or Kluck wuz dumf ounded, and seized with a pain — 
His Boches were beaten, and scattered, and slain. 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Their corpses lay thick ez the leaves in the sun — 
The rivers run red with the blood uv the Hun. 
The world, in suspense, give a sigh uv relief — 
But William wuz drowned in an ocean uv grief. 

You've oft heerd the sayin' — I'm sure it will fit — 
The ffame that is nearest is hardest to git! 
And William so thot when he saw the thing slip, 
And Paree go glimmer'n' and fly frum his grip. 
Tho pummeled and thummeled, he stuck to the fray ; 
And, changin' his mind, made a dash f er Calais. 
If only once there, he cud win without fail — 
And razzle the Lion while twistin' his tail. 
But Johnny woke up when he scented the plan, 
And swore he'd defend, if it tuck the last man. 
The Boche, ondaunted, cum thunder'n' right thru, 
And tore up the earth with his hellebelloo. 
He trampled on Belgium, and bio wed up Antwerp, 
And left not a chick that wuz able to chirp. 
But poilu and Tommy and Beige and all — 
Were ready to fight till the heavens shud fall. 
They wheeled into line frum the Marne to the sea. 
And chunked every hole to Calais, er Paree. . 
They met on the sands, on the hills and the plains, 
And never once stopt to count losses er gains. 
They battled like giants, while all the world stood — 
And gazed on the carnage, and wundered what good! 

The Heine had bullets, the Tommy had none — 
But never an inch wud he yield to the Hun. 
The poilu stood pat, and the Beige set tight — 
They kep the thing bilin', noon, mornin', and night. 
They raged over Flanders, and finished at Ypres — 
Where mountains uv corpses rose up in a heap. 

10 



THE BEGINNIN*. 

The Boche wuz glum when he looked on his slain, 
And saw all his efforts were useless and vain. 
Calais wuz still safe, and the battle-line firm; 
And all he cud do wuz to wriggle and squirm. 
Twice beaten, then thwarted at every fresh turn. 
What else cud he do but stop shootin' and — burn? 
He sulked in his tent, then he dug hizself in , 
And that's how he saved his implacable skin. 
But William wuz wroth when he saw what wuz done ; 
He went off a-cussin', and swore he had won. 

Now this is the end uv the first modern drive — 
While most uv 'em's dead, there's a few still alive ! 



11 



CHAPTER II. 
CUMIN' UV THE BEAR. 

While poilu and Tommy, and all uv the rest, 
Were bleedin* and dyin', and savin' the West, 
The grouchy oF Bear shuffled down frum his den, 
And frightened the Kaiser half out uv his skin. 
Before you cud think, he wuz amblin' along, 
A-draggin' a most multifarious throng. 
The Muscovite millions had crawled frum the grass. 
And headed derect f er the Prussian morass. 
They circled about the Masurian Lakes — 
Infested by Germans and reptiles and snakes. 
Fierce Rennenkampf cum — ^with his fiercer mustache — 
And Samsonov f ollered right on with a dash. 
The Cossack swep by with his saber and lance. 
And skeert the dumb Dutchman right out uv his pants. 
A cry uv distress, and a wail uv despair, 
Rose up on the wings uv the horrified air, 
Ez wimmen and children and donkeys in flight. 
Fell dead in their tracks frum the terrible fright. 
But still they pressed on, leavin' nuthin* behind. 
In search uv the foe they were eager to find. 

Alarmed and distracted, the Kaiser got hot. 
And sent fer old Hindenburg right on the spot. 
He told him to go, and to speed double-quick. 
And throw down his glaive in the pathway uv Nick, 
or Hindy cum forth, like a beast frum his cage, 
And shuck out his mane, and rebumished his rage. 

12 



CUMIN' UV THE BEAR. 

No time did he lose, but hizself quickly found 

With eyes sweepin' over his old stampin'-ground. 

He knew it so long, and he knew it so well, 

There wuzn't a step that he cudn't foretell. 

He flung out his net, then he watched f er his game — 

Twuz only a moment, and right there it came. 

The Russ never dreamt uv a slip, er mishap. 

But quicker'n a wink, he wuz ketcht in a trap. 

Grim Samsonov f ot, but he cudn't break thru ; 

Fer wily or Hindy had bagged the hul crew. 

When Rennenkampf saw that his pal wuz in bad, 
He struck fer tall timber, skedaddle, skedad ! 
He wasted no time, and he had none to spare ; 
Fer Hindy wuz hot on the heels uv the Bear. 
So menny he tuck — and the booty beside — 
The Bear wuz blamed lucky to save his own hide. 
Now this, the first bump uv the Kaiser and Czar — 
And Nicky will tell you he got quite a jar! 

What's sass fer the gander is sass fer the goose — 
The thing that hez happened kin give no excuse. 
The Kaiser laft loud when he heerd uv the trick, 
And sed, ''What a joke hev I played on frien* NickF* 
But Luck is a Janus that faces both ways — 
And this he found out in a very few days; 
Fer furder down south where the Austrian fot. 
It turned out sum different f rum what he had thot. 
or Franz had expected, with one mighty swoop. 
To capture the Bear and to hev him fer soup. 
He laid a great plan, but it went all k'boo ! — 
When Russky and Brusiloff went smashin' thru. 
They mixed the thing up on the Dniester and Stry, 
And Joseph cum out with a mighty black eye. 

13 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He dreamed his brave cohorts were stable and stout, 
But soon he diskivered them all in a rout. 
Sum hundreds uv thousands, he left in the fray — 
Wuz licked to a frazzle the very first day. 

The Bear et up Lemberg while chasin' his game, 
And circled the town uv onspeakable name. 
He didn't stop there, but he went right ahead, 
And dumb to the top uv the high water-shed. 
Bold Ivanov swung, like a ragin' cyclone. 
And struck Franz a blow that onsettled his throne, 
or Dankl wuz dazed, and the noble Archduke 
Is still tryin' hard to explain the grand fluke. 
Cunfusion fell fast on the Aust and the Hunk, 
And nuthin' wuz left but a vast heap uv junk. 
The remnant kep rolling and wud hev till now. 
But haply it found a safe berth at Cracow. 
King Joseph, he cussed ; and he wundered what for 
He'd loosed on his head sich an onlucky war. 
The face uv the Bear lighted up with a smile — 
He set down to ponder, and rest fer awhile. 

Now this is the first uv the Cossack and Hun — 
And you kin jedge which had the best uv the fun. 

It wudn't be right unto you, er to me. 
To pass by the Serb, who had staged the hul spree. 
or Franz, in his rage fer the loss uv an heir, 
Had tugged at his whiskers and tore out his hair. 
He vowed to avenge the abom'nable deed, 
And swore every Serb in the kingdom shud bleed. 
A bold ultimatum, he hurled at king Pete — 
Then smashed him again ere he got to his feet. 
He wudn't take reason, er hear no excuse — 
Strait onlocked the kennel and turned 'em all loose. 

14 



CUMIN' UV THE BEAR. 

The first to take up the red hammer uv Thor, 
He dragged the hul world to the shambles uv war. 

Now, Peter 'lowed Joseph wuz largely to blame, 
And wudn't submit to the blot on his name. 
He tuck up his gun, ez he'd oft done before. 
And stood waitin' ready in front uv his door, 
or Joseph, still ragin', cum down like a storm ; 
But when he got there, found his welcome wuz warm. 
It's no triflin' matter to bust a door in. 
With fellers behind it protectin' their skin. 
This sayin', I'll venture, wuz much plainer made. 
When Franz, like a buzzard, swooped down on Belgrade. 
He thot it a cinch when he pulled his big guns. 
And throwed in his masses uv onthinkin' Huns. 
He looked on the Serb ez a mutt, and a rube — 
And started right over the rollin' Danube. 
He hadn't got far till he suddently woke. 
And saw the thing fiz, and go strait up in smoke. 

The Serb had cut loose, and the Devil will say 
He never hez heerd sich a thunder'n' melee. 
The Teuton went down, and the Slav, with a shout, 
Proclaimed to the world how he kicked the Hun out. 
Not satisfied quite with this jab in the slats. 
He dealt him anuther blow up at Shabatz. 
To make the thing worse — not to push it too far — 
He give him a knock-out down on the Jadar. 
or Joseph wuz frantic, and thot the gods mad ; 
Fer every durn thing had gone plumb to the bad. 
The rainbow uv hope swiftly vanished f rum view. 
And left in his heart only wormwood and yew. 

King Peter wuz proud uv the record he made — 
Defendin' his kingdom, and holdin' Belgrade. 

15 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Serb meekly smiled when he saw the Hun chafe, 
And felt that both honor and kentry were safe. 
Now, this is the way the beginnin* fell out — 
In East and in West, it wuz slaughter and shout. 
Which side hez the best uv the fightin' so f er, 
I leave to the reader, and hasten elsewher*. 



16 



CHAPTER III. 
ON THE ROLLIN' WAVE. 

When war fell on land, it fell likewise on sea — 
O'er all the wide waters, skedaddle, skedee! 
There wuzn't a river, a lake, er a pond. 
That didn't take notice, and quickly respond. 
The Britain chased Teut, and the Teuton chased Brit, 
And every last guy had to git up and git. 
They struck down the wireless, the cables they cut, 
And left not a strand uv the long ocean gut. 
Flew orders, like sparrows, to sink, and to bum, 
And give not a chance to escape, er intern. 
The hul world around every eye wuz awake, 
A strainin' f er sumthin* to smash, er to take. 
A spell uv oncanniness lay on the deep — 
No mortal but fishes wuz able to sleep. 
The sea-dogs kep prowlin*, in search uv their prey, 
Frum Cairo to Horn, and away to Cathay. 
They never let up while a foe wuz at large. 
But smote every sail frum a dreadnaught to barge. 

Sum things that were done will insure lastin* fame, 
And earn fer the doers a mighty proud name. 
John Bull, we cunf ess, is the boss uv the sea ; 
But, still, there are uthers ez foxy ez he. 
When once he wuz certain the thing wuz a fight, 
He reckoned he*d nab every Dutchman in sight. 
He spread out his wings, and his snare quickly set, 
Expectin' to gether them all in his net. 

17 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But soon he found out, with disgust and chagrin, 

That sum had slid by and were not taken in. 

The Goeben and Breslau did mighty slick work, 

And landed slapdab in the arms uv the Turk. 

The sly little Emden put on a false face, 

And give Johnny's greyhounds a spankin' good race. 

There still were sum uthers — ^but why name 'em all? — 

That nagged at the Lion thru Summer and Fall. 

But Johnny kep bizzy a-sweepin' the sea. 

And got them all in except Admiral Spee. 

The Jap in the East, and hizself in the West, 

Cud give fair accountin' uv all uv the rest. 

They plugged every harbor the hul world about. 

And swore that the Dutchman wud hev to stay out. 

Spee tuck to the open. While loiter 'n' the main, 

He plucked a few laurels, and gethered sum gain. 

Then headed down south, and to Chile drew near — 

And what happened there you shall presently hear. 

Sir Christopher Cradock, a fighter ez brave 
Ez ever rode out on the crest uv a wave. 
Sailed up frum the Horn with a right jaunty fleet, 
Expectin' sum ships uv the Kaiser to greet. 
He hadn't got far till his hopes were achieved — 
And very much sooner than he had believed. 
While nosin' about on the edge uv the sea. 
He suddently cum upon Admiral Spee. 
His good ship, Canopus, wuz far to the rear. 
And jest what to do didn't seem very clear. 
Now, Admiral Spee is no feller to shirk, 
And Christopher scented sum mighty grim work. 
The sea, it wuz chopped by the wind and the swell. 
And things didn't augur a feather too well; 

18 



ON THE ROLLIN* WAVE. 

But, moved by the spirit that makes England great, 
He wiped the hul smatter right off uv the slate. 
All doubts and oncertainties tost at his back, 
He flung out the challenge : '^Vm goin' to attack!'' 

It didn't take long f er the thing to wax hot. 
And soon every muzzle wuz belchin' his shot. 
The Monmouth and Sharnhorst locked horns f er the scrap- 
The Good Hope and Gneisenau jined with a snap. 
They kep the guns blinkin', and give tit f er tat, 
And veered and maneuvred, and did this and that. 
But soon it fell out that the Britain wuz down — 
And Admiral Spee had a star in his crown ! 
The Monmouth and Good Hope slid under the wave, 
And each gallant crew found a watery grave. 
Sir Christopher's bit f er his kentry wuz done — 
The Saxon had lost, and the Teuton had won. 

Now, dog'll eat dog — is a sayin' Fve heerd— 
And that's about how it hez always appeared. 
The Teuton, puf t up by the way it turned out. 
Cud do nuthin' uther than swagger and shout. 
You'd better keep mum, if you cum out on top — 
When up on a limb, there's but one way to drop. 
This sayin', I'm certain, the Dutch wud avouch. 
If they cud cum back frum their watery couch. 

When Georgy found out that his darlin' wuz down, 
He plucked at his whiskers, and tore off his crown. 
He vowed a swift vengence on Admiral Spee, 
And forthwith dispatched the ondaunted Sturdee. 
The Teut never dreamt that the Brit wud cum soon, 
And camly sailed on 'neath the soft southern moon. 
He rounded the Horn with a nonchalance rare. 
And snift in the bam uv the brine-laden air. 

19 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Well pleased with hizself , and the task he had done, 
He reckoned his jaunt but a triumph uv fun. 

He sighted the Falklands, the fair sunny Isles, 
Onmindful uv harm, er a foe's tricky wiles. 
The sea, it wuz smooth, and the sky, it wuz clear, 
And nuthin' give omen that danger wuz near. 
He had but one purpose — ^the harbor to win — 
And, turnin' to shoreward, he headed strait in. 
How great his amazement ! Right square in his way, 
The Bulldogs uv England all trim fer the fray. 
The first one to bark wuz Canopus the bold — 
The Admiral's story is now quickly told ! 

He saw at a glance it wuz strike, fight, er flee ; 
Fer nuthin' cud alter the dauntless Sturdee. 
He'd circled the globe with a single intent — 
To capture the Dutchman, er smash him to splint. 
His time had now cum ; and, perceivin' his plight. 
He tuck to the wave like a seagull, in flight. 
The Britain wuz ready ; and, strait in pursuit. 
He cum with his broadsides, and big guns' salute. 
Invincible led, in the fox and hound chase ; 
Inflexible f ollered right on at full pace. 
They kep the thing hot ez the griddles uv hell, 
Till all the Gray Eagle's proud feathers had fell. 
But, say ez you will, you've got no room to boast — 
The Teuton went down standin' square at his post. 
The vengence uv England had fallen, at last ; 
And Admiral Spee wuz a thing uv the past. 
He went to his doom without blot on his fame, 
And give to his kentry a glorious name! 

Here endeth the story. 'Tis plain ez kin be 
That Johnny Bull still wuz the lord uv the sea. 

20 



ON THE ROLLIN' WAVE. 

His Bulldogs were masters wherever they went, 
And left on the wave not a fire-breathin' gent. 
He sealed every harbor the hul world about, 
And never a foeman dared cheep, er peek out. 
The Dutchman wuz elbowed clear off uv his seat, 
And scasly left room f er his big clumsy feet. 
His fleets uv proud argosies floutin' the main, 
Slipped into their holes and cum not forth again. 
Britannia still ruled the wave and the foam — 
And William wuz glad to find shelter at home ! 



21 



CHAPTER IV. 
THE FRUITS UV WAR. 

When War shuck the earth with his trumpets and drums, 
Each feller wuz watchin' to gether his plums. 
The Isles uv the Seas, and the Colonies dear. 
Made mighty fine pickin' f er them that were near. 
The Teuton, cooped up, hadn't very much chance, 
And lost about everything 'ceptin* his pants. 
He f ot like a tiger round close about home. 
But wuzn't much in it out over the foam. 
The Alleys perched high on the wave, like a hawk, 
Jes' swooped down and tuck 'em, and nuthin' cud balk. 

The Jap is an Alley, ez you, perchance, know ; 
And, cums down to grabbing he ain't very slow. 
He loves the Chinee — but hizself, he loves more — 
And ordered the Kaiser away f rum his door. 
But William 'lowed he loved the Chinee the best; 
And, darin' to stay, put the thing to a test. 
It didn't take long; fer the Jap wuz in trim, 
And William soon saw that his chances were slim. 
They grappled, and tussled all over Shantung — 
And skeert the Chinee till he busted a lung. 
They never ceased figthin', but kep her aglow 
Till William wuz glad to hand over Kiaochow. 
It made the Jap hot to see William resist ; 
And, when 'twuz all over, kep shakin' his fist. 
He wudn't cam down ; but rushed out on the brine — 
And soon he cum back draggin' fair Caroline ! 

22 



THE FRUITS UV WAR. 

To make William sore, and to humor John Bull, 
He jes' give her over — so, there's the Jap's pull. 

John's daughter, Australia, got into the game. 
And made f er herself a most excellent name. 
She tuck her half-sister. New Zealand, f er help — 
A purty small Lioness, still, a fair whelp. 
They made fer Samoa, expectin' to meet 
A batch UV the Kaiser's invincible fleet. 
They felt a bit nervous when out on the sea ; 
So, thinkin' it over, they stopped at Noumea, 
And ast the Montcalm, and sum uthers to go — 
There's safety in numbers, ez you, perchance, know. 
All rigged and made ready, they struck fer the foam, 
Determined to win, er else never see home. 
Their fight wuz a frolic ; fer when they got there. 
They looked fer the Dutchman, but spied him nowhere. 
He'd tuck to the wave, and wuz not to be found — 
So, William had lost a fresh slice uv his ground. 

When grabby Australia had got in her hand, 
She thot it a joke, goin' out swipin' land. 
She bustled right off to give Guinea a spat; 
And William quick saw that his chances were flat. 
He fired a few shots, dodgin' round in the brush, 
Then throwed up the sponge, and cum out with a rush. 
The Britain's flag soon floated over Rabaul — 
And there's where you'll find it, if chancin' to call. 

Not satisfied yet with the swag in her muff. 
She vowed she'd keep on till the Dutch cried enuf. 
Bismark's Pomerania fell next in her lap — 
And this wuz like givin' the Kaiser a slap. 
Then Solomon's follered, and Marshall's, likewise — 
Till nuthin' wuz left that a brigand cud prize. 

23 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

She kep on a-pickin* till every last crumb 

Wuz safely corraled 'twixt her fingers and thumb. 

There wuzn't a speck in the Orient seas 

Where William cud say, "This is mine, if you please/' 

While strivin' to carve out "a place in the sun/* 

He'd lost every Isle that his valor had won. 

Not only on seas did grim War pitch his tent, 
But soon found his way to the Dark Continent. 
There wuzn't a niche in the face uv the earth, 
Too cold, er too hot, fer his hideous birth. 
Way down on the 'quator — where nuthin' cud dwell 
Save reptiles and snakes and the offshoots uv hell — 
They carried the fight with a vengence ez dire 
Ez ever flashed up frum the Devil's own fire. 

The first in the scramble wuz fair Togyland — ] 

And here William's cohorts put up a brave stand ; ] 

But, sandwiched right in 'twixt the English and French, « 

The Kaiser soon felt sumthin' startin' to pinch. , 

The poilu and Tommy were onto their job. 
And snatched every hair frum the Boche's bald knob. 
It didn't take long fer the last guy to croak — 
And Togyland trotted right under the yoke! 

The next in their path, like a blotch on the moon. 
Lay sumthin' that sumbody named Cameroon. 
A haunt fer the elephant, zebra, and such — 
A place where the monkeys cunsort with the Dutch. 
Here poilu and Beige, with Tommy, jined hands, 
And made a bold dash fer the wild jungle-lands. 
They crowded strait down frum Lake Tsad to the sea, 
And soon had the Heine right up a pam-tree. 
Molundu fell first ; and Duala cum next ; 
And all that resisted, they simply Dutch-hexed. 

24 



THE FRUITS UV WAR. 

They f ot the muskeeters, the lions, and snakes ; 

And swum ragin' river, and plunged thru the brakes. 

They never stopt goin', but pushed right ahead 

Till every last Boche wuz captured er dead. 

They kep her a-fizzin', both midnight and noon — 

And that's how the Alleys scooped in Cameroon. 

Now William expected, when War's bugles blowed, 
The Boer wud raise up, and trek strait down the road, 
And deal Johnny Bull a punch under the belt 
Wud land him clean off uv the wide-sweepin' veldt. 
But things don't fall out ez we reckon they shud, 
And often redound to the uther dub's good. 
This very thing happened, ez you shall soon learn; 
Fer matters tuck on a quite different turn. 

Far down to the southward, in sum doubtful way. 
The Kaiser had chanced, and decided to stay. 
He'd gethered a stretch uv cuntention and sand 
About twice ez big ez his own Fatherland. 
He camly set down, feelin' smug and secure. 
And never once dreamt but his footin' wuz sure. 
Now, who teches Africa teches John Bull — 
And that's how the Kaiser got John in his wool. 

The thing had scase started when Bothy and Smuts, 
Two rubes frum the woods, with a passel uv mutts, 
Broke over the fences and hastened to take — 
And left not a Dutchman alive in their wake. 
The Britain and Burgher locked arms fer the push. 
And whooped every Hottentot out uv the bush. 
They captured Whale Bay, and Swakopmund hard by, 
Then driv strait fer Windhoek, and didn't ast why. 
Down still furder south, they cum round with a swoop, 
And gobbled up Seeheim, and famed Keetmanshooi?. 

25 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Not satisfied yet, they pressed on with the fray, 
And tuck in Gibeon and Aub on the way. 
At last, jinin' forces, they finished the deal, 
And left not a pig that wuz able to squeal. 
West Africa, now, is in much safer hands — 
And William wuz buncoed right out uv his lands. 

The only scrap left uv his far-flung domains 
Lay out on East Africa's jungles and plains. 
Hemmed in on all sides by obstreperous foes, 
Jest how he held out, surely nobody knows. 
He put up a fight f rum beginnin' to end — 
And this all admit who hev follered the trend. 

The Teuton showed nerve when he found it a go, 
And struck at Mombasy the very first blow. 
The Britain wuz ready, and met him half way. 
And fetched up his Arabs and Blacks f er the fray. 
It swiftly fell out that the Dutchman wuz foiled. 
And back to his domicile quickly recoiled. 
'Twuz Tommy's turn next to git into the fight. 
And so he smote Tanga with all uv his might. 
He throwed in his Indians, and all kinds uv stuff, 
Expectin' the Boche to soon cry enuf. 
It didn't cum out ez the Tommy allowed — 
You can't do much fightin' with sich a mixed crowd. 
Both now had bin tried, and they both had lost out — 
The odds had fell even, and neither cud shout. 

Frum this small beginnin', it rapidly spread, 
And cuvered the wilds with a terror and dread. 
The Beige cum in, and the Portugee, too^ — 
They f ot frum Nyassa to far Karungu. 
Round Kilimanjaro they battled and died. 
And buried their dead with a feelin' uv pride. 

26 



THE FRUITS UV WAR. 

The Boche stood firm ez a lion at bay — 
He died with his boots on, but wudn't give way. 
He f ot f er the glory uv Empire, and king — 
His kentry wuz much, but his life a slight thing. 
At last, Johnny Bull, bilin' over with rage. 
Cum down like a tiger let loose f rum his cage. 
He gethered his cohorts frum far and frum near, 
And swore not to sleep till the jungle wuz clear. 
or Smuts hustled out with his saber and gun. 
And soon had the Boche full on the dead run. 
It didn't take long to corral the hul pack — 
And William's last apple had fell in the sack ! 

Now, this is the story uv Colonies lost ; 
And how, on the billows, they quickly were tossed. 
When War wiped the Kaiser right off uv the swell. 
And left not a bone fer his Bulldogs to smell. 
It doesn't take long fer an Empire to fall. 
When sumbody cums with an axe, and a maul. 
Before you start buildin', you'd better make sure 
Yer foundation's laid on a rock that's secure. 



27 



CHAPTER V. 
NOODRALS AND THE WAR. 

When War hit the earth right betwixt the two eyes, 
She nearly dropt dead f rum the suddent surprize. 
A nerve-rackin' tremor run clean round the sphere, 
And smote every heart with a shudderin' fear. 
The hul world about, it wuz stay on yer roost ; 
And be mighty keerful to not knock, er boost. 
Each one wuz dead anxious to save his own goat, 
So paddled close round in his little home boat. 
You cudn't start nowhere, f er bizness er fun. 
Without runnin' square into sumbody's gun. 
The only wise thing f er a noodral to do 
Wuz jes' to keep cam till the trubble wuz thru. 
If all had done this, I will venture to say. 
An end, long ago, wud hev cum to the fray. 
But I must cunf ess, it's no slight task to bear. 
To stand by and watch while yer nabers pull hair. 

There wuzn't a noodral, when war cum about, 
But swore he'd stay noodral, and keep his nose out. 
It's no use to charge that they didn't mean right. 
And fully expected to sidestep the fight. 
Each feller, uv course, had his own house to guard, 
And see that nobody snuck in his back yard. 
Fer them nearest by, it wuz keep yer eyes skinned 
Lest one side er t'uther cud say you hev sinned. 
'Twuz purty smart walkin' to stay on the wire. 
And not tumble off, and git singed in the fire. 

28 



NOODRALS AND THE WAR. 

The little chaps deemed it wuz best to keep mum, 
And sort uv mark tally, and note what wud cum. 
The bigger ones 'lowed they cud speak out their mind. 
So long ez they watched and sed nuthin' onkind. 
So, this way it stood till the thing simmered down, 
And each felt f er sure that his feet techt the groun*. 

It didn't take long, ez the matter progrest. 
To sense a slight veerin' in each noodral breast. 
To this side, er t'uther, a leanin' wuz felt, 
Ez this one er that got a blow 'neath the belt. 
Each side whined fer sympathy when it wuz hurt, 
And slung at the uther a heap uv foul dirt. 
It slowly developed, but later grew plain. 
That sumbody's pockets were in fer sum gain. 
You can't hev a war without powder and guns, 
And sumthin' to eat, and a hul lot uv fun's. 
Each noodral stood ready to serve his own friends, 
And salve up his conscience with prayers fer amends. 
I've often observed, when it's time to disburse, 
A deacon's emotions run close to his purse. 
So, each sidled up to the one that cud pay — 
And that's how the most uv 'em got in the fray. 

A noodral's chief duty seems guardin' his rights, 
And fillin' his sack while the uther dub fights. 
They all hev lived up to the mark fairly well. 
And every one's pouch is beginnin' to tell. 
It's mighty close edgin' fer them that draw near. 
To swoop on the swag and cum off with it clear. 
They often git pinched, and cry out in distress — 
But why shud a robber hev enny redress? 
If fightin' is lawful, the fellers that's in 
Shud simply give warnin' : ''Look out fer yer skinF' 

29 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The ones that don't heed it are likely to learn 

That bombs will explode, and that powder will burn. 

My sympathy's not very strong fer the guy 

That gits hurt a-stealin', and then starts to cry. 

He ort to stand up and at least be a man, 

And give each a chance to win out if he can. 

To say you're a noodral, then help either side, 

Is hard on the feller that values his pride. 

While most uv the noodrals hev played passin' fair, 

A part uv them fell, and were ketcht in the snare. 

The first one to drop wuz the lecherous Turk — 
Fer William had got in sum mighty smooth work ! 
Which magnet pulled hardest may never be told — 
The fear uv the rod, er the lure uv the gold. 
The Alleys cried "Foul!" when they found it wuz done — 
But Turkey wuz in fer the rest uv the fun. 
This started 'em thinkin' jest how to offset 
The weight uv the Turk, and still win, on a bet. 
They snuck all around, and felt out every pulse ; 
But each feller showed an incline to revulse. 
They teched up the Balkans, f rum Greece to Roumaine, 
But found every effort wuz useless and vain. 
They dickered with Victor, but cudn't make good — 
Fer he wanted all uv the squirr'ls in the wood. 
It looked purty blue fer the Alleys, at best ; 
Fer nobody 'peared to show very much zest. 
The noodrals were willin' to wait, and grow fat ; 
But none uv them itched to git into the spat. 

So things drifted on thru the Winter and Spring, 
And nuthin' turned up till the birds 'gan to sing. 
The Dago is tricky, and that Joseph knew — 
You never kin tell what a traitor will do. 

30 



NOODRALS AND THE WAR. 

John Bull had bin bizzy, and France wuzn't slow — 
They'd worked under cuver, and things seemed a go. 
But William got wise, and sent Bulow, posthaste, 
To blow off the foam, and restore a good taste. 
He offered Emmanuel — frum Joseph's domain — 
About everything he cud hope to attain. 
But sumhow it failed, and the Alleys won out — 
So, in rushed the Dago with bluster and shout. 
Right pat on his heels, San Marino cum quick — 
And that evened up f er the Turk's dastard trick. 
Jest how things will balance is hard to foretell ; 
But Victor seems ready to raise lots uv hell. 

The rest uv the noodrals stayed up on the limb ; 
Not keerin' to dive ontil sure they cud swim. 
They thot it much safer to let uthers earn 
The glory that falls to each one in his turn. 
They all were dead willin' to hev the thing done, 
But didn't 'pear eager to share in the fun. 
You can't blame a feller whose chickens are stole, 
Fer chasin' the thief till he's run in his hole ; 
But when all yer property's safe and secure, 
The jinin' a posse don't seem to allure. 
To help out yer naber's a duty you owe — 
But, cums down to dyin', you're apt to go slow. 
Now, noodrals are merely frail humans, at best, 
And not over-meek about feather'n' their nest. 
When bizness is good, it seems wisdom, at least. 
To not drop the platter and break up the feast. 

So, this way it stood in the buddin' Springtime — 
The guns everywhere cumin' in with their chime ; 
The Alleys and Teutons both shoutin' fer help. 
And every last noodral jest lettin' 'em yelp. 

31 



CHAPTER VI. 
BOREAS AND BATTLE. 

When Boreas cum, with his chill wintry blast, 
He spiked every cannon, and nailed the thing fast. 
The lads in the trenches were given a chance 
To brush up their courage — and iron out their pants ! 
Both sides had a respite to take a full breath. 
And learn sum new tricks in the gamble with Death. 
The fellers back home who had started the game. 
Were given fresh leave to defend their good name. 
With pipes in their fingers, they set round the fire. 
And cussed one anuther with right royal ire. 
The people had ast what the war wuz about — 
And now wuz the time f er the cat to git out. 

It's no easy matter, when ketcht in a fight. 
To prove to the world that your cause is on right. 
Each feller wuz strivin' to make it appear 
The uther wuz wrong, and hizself in the clear. 
'Twuz hard f er the people to git thru their hat 
What right a few kings had to start sich a spat. 
The common folks dreamt, in their innocent way. 
That they were the blarneys, and had the hul say. 
But soon they diskivered their mouths were tight shet — 
And how it all happened, they're wunderin' yet. 
It's no use to worry; jes' do what you're tol', 
And die when yer turn cums, and crawl in yer hole. 
The principal duty a citizen owes — 
Is payin' his taxes, and f ollerin' his nose, 

32 



BOREAS AND BATTLE. 

And lettin' sum mountebank lead him around, 
And keep him blowed up with a bellerin* sound. 
Kings, rulers, and giverments, all are alike — 
To hell with the people when ready to strike ! 

Each one made excuse that the uther had swore 
He'd hurl bilin' pitch thru his naber's back door. 
Frum what I kin learn, standin' on the outside. 
They all are durn rascals, and every one lied. 
The hul trubble wuz that the world is too small, 
And each one wuz achin' to gobble it all. 
There wuzn't a county uv Alley er Hun, 
But held aspirations ez big ez the sun. 
The Teuton aspired, and the Slav aspired, too ; 
And nuthin' wuz left but to roll the thing thru. 
The Kaiser wuz swelling and needed more space — 
And so, Johnny Bull got a bat in the face. 
The Serb had gone bug since he cleaned up the Turk, 
And thot he wuz ready f er much bigger work. 
or Joseph felt cramped, in his ancient empire. 
And so, got a hunch that he'd better aspire. 
The Frenchman wuz sore, hevin' grounds to cumplane, 
Fer William still lorded Alsace and Lorraine. 
'Twuz aspirin' here, and 'twuz aspirin' there — 
Each wantin' to set in the uther's arm-chair. 
Now, this is the kernel inside uv the shell — 
And crackin' it open caused all uv the hell. 

When once the thing started, each let out a roar, 
And frothed at the mouth like a razor-back boar. 
He shouted aloud that the uthers had sinned. 
And all he cud do wuz to strike, and defend. 
They done all the dirt they were able to do. 
And kep up a scrap made the Devil look blue. 

33 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Boche struck Albert, and knocked him sky-high, 

And that give the Alleys fresh lungs f er their cry. 

They peddled poor Belguim around the hul earth; 

And hashed, and rehashed, it before every hearth. 

It got on the nerves uv the noodrals, sumwhat, 

But still they kep droppin' their dough in the pot. 

To offset the furor that Albert had raised. 

The Kaiser, pretendin' to be much amazed. 

Proclaimed to the world that the Bear wuz a brute, 

And wuzn't one-two with the kind-hearted Teut. 

They worked on the f eelin's uv noodral's, and fools. 

And soon had the tears streamin' down in hot pools. 

That's jest what they wanted — to ketch in a trap 

The fellers that warn't a-keerin' a rap. 

They played a smooth game, and which cum out the best, 

I leave to the birds that are still in the nest. 

War ain't all in fightin' — but pullin' the ropes 
To git uther lubbers to back up your hopes. 
While winter had sealed all the trenches and guns. 
The battle waxed hotter 'twixt Alleys and Huns. 
Behind the closed door, where the diplomat stews. 
The thing wuz kep bilin', with all sorts uv brews. 
Each feller wuz workin', and tuggin' like sin, 
To try to inveigle and draw uthers in. 
A flame that's once started is likely to spread. 
And burn the hul town, if it don't keep its head. 
The world's mighty small in these swift latter days. 
And enny one's apt to be ketcht in a blaze. 
Diplomacy's simply plain lyin' and tricks. 
And all that you need is the plaster that sticks. 
Who promises most, gits the most in return — 
What matters the kind, if the fuel will bum? 

34 



BOREAS AND BATTLE. 

In every back chamber the thing wuz red-hot, 
And all uv the chips were stacked high in the pot. 
The stake wuz a hummer, and all knowed the game, 
And played with a darin' that outflaunted Shame. 
To cum up on top, and to land the masume. 
Is what you're a-hopin* when gamblin* with Doom. 
So, this is the way that the war hez bin fot, 
And menny dumb noodrals onwittin'ly caught ! 

While wrath and cuntention were ragin' round home, 
A snowy-white Dove ventured over the foam. 
Rich Henry had cum — in his little tin-pan — 
A spendin', and shoutin', 'Til do what I can!** 
The hopes uv the millions, he felt, were fer peace — 
The boys f rum the trenches, he fain wud release. 
The Dove fluttered round on the edge uv the fight. 
But found not a place where her foot cud alight. 
Distrest and heart-broken, she turned f rum the scene. 
And flew back across, where the fields were still green. 
The world wuz cunvinced that *twuz no use to try ; 
And Henry wuz wiser, but — sum millions shy! 

So, round the hul circuit 'twuz war, peace, and sich ; 
And every voice chuned to a falsetto pitch. 
The time wuzn't ripe fer cam reason to reign — 
And them that were dead warn't there to cumplane. 
Onless all signs failed, when the buds 'gan to swell, 
There'd be lots a-doin', and all kinds uv hell. 
John Bull had told William he'd starve him to death ; 
And William sed, "Do*t, and I'll shet off yer breath." 
Both fellers meant bizness, and how it turned out, 
I'll strive to relate ez events cum about. 
But things were a-hatchin' to pip in the Spring, 
And every one watched to see what Time wud bring. 

35 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The poilu had shaved, and had cleaned off the mud, 
And stood waitin' ready f er thunder and blood. 
Twuz noised Kitchner's Million wuz edgin' to strike. 
And send Heine home on a double-swift hike. 
The Turk wuz expectin' a thump, er a kick, 
And every one wished he wud git it durn quick. 
The Bear, peerin' out frum the high mountain-tops. 
Looked down on fat Hung'ry — and then licked his chops ! 
or Joseph got nervous and shuck to the core. 
When Victor and Peter both thumpt his back door. 
What William wuz thinkin', er doin', none knew ; 
But things cum out later that furnished the clew. 
They all were on nettles, and every one felt 
That sumbody's noggin' wuz in f er a belt. 

Nineteen and Fourteen left a mighty red streak — 
What chanced in Fifteen, I shall presently speak. 



36 



CHAPTER VII. 
THE ''SICK MAN" MADE WELL. 

When Spring cum a-smilin*, with Hope in her hands, 
The Alleys made tracks fer the Orient lands. 
The Turk had cum in — ^but jest what he cud gain, 
To them lookin' on, didn't seem very plain. 
Sumbody else wanted about all he had, 
And things, to outsiders, looked deucedly bad. 
The ''Sick Man" had lost a good part uv his skin. 
And uthers were watchin' their chance to cut in. 
The Bear had his eye on the bright Golden Horn — 
And had had it there ever since he wuz born. 
The Lion wuz achin' to gobble the Sphinx, 
And looked upon Bagdad with eyes uv a lynx. 
The Frenchman cuntended the Lily wud bloom 
In Syrian sands, er round Abraham's Tomb. 
The Greek and the Bulgar set back on a limb. 
Jest waitin' to see what wuz cumin' to them. 
Emmanuel wuz itchin' to git in the game. 
But wuzn't quite ready to spile his good name. 
But William's the boy with the big sack uv gall ; 
While they wanted slices, he wanted it all. 
It 'peared that the Turkey wuz in fer the feast — 
But who'd do the carvin' wuz sumthin*, at least. 

The Alleys had figured, amung uther things. 
To pluck his tail-feathers, and clip off his wings. 
If this wuz successful, without furder fears, 
They'd sever his neck right up close to his ears. 

37 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Bear and the Lion both give him a biff ! 

This started him strutting and braced him up stiff. 

But 'spite uv his fluster, one pinion wuz lost — 

In Johnny Bull's basket fair Egypt wuz tossed. 

He 'countered the Bear in his mountains uv snow, 

And flew bravely at him, and give blow f er blow. 

He gethered his courage, and camels, and guns, 

And batches uv Arabs led on by the Huns, 

And made a bold dash fer the sandy Suez — 

But, 'fore he got back, he wuz minus a fez! 

John Bull had arrived — frum the ends uv the earth — 

This little adventure cost all it wuz worth. 

Far down where the gateway leads out to the sea, 

He thot he had Johnny right up in a tree. 

The Bulldogs growled fiercely, and skeert him away— 

And Aden is still on the road to Cathay. 

He cudn't recuver the wing he had dropped ; 

So, round over Asia, he floundered and flopped. 

The Crescent, wise William had pinned upon Thor— 
And hustled him out to h'ist up "Holy War!" 
The thing didn't h'ist jest ez he had allowed — 
The Prophet hizself wuz a little too proud. 
He wuzn't quite ready to use Allah's ire 
To pull William's chestnut-hulls out uv the fire. 
It caused sum cummotion, tho, still furder East; 
And got John excited, and stirred up, at least. 
He jollied his Indians, and worked on their pride. 
And soon had 'em all standin' firm at his side. 
He loaded them up, every sort that he had. 
And sailed 'em away on a lark to Bagdad. 
He quick had 'em landed far up Persia's Bay, 
A-swearin' to croak every Turk in the way. 

88 



THE "SICK MAN" MADE WELL. 

They first tuck in Fao ; then f ot at Sahil ; 
And moved upon Basra, which soon got its fill. 
The next step wuz Kurnah — the Delta wuz safe ; 
And all that the Moslem cud do wuz to chafe. 

The two Sacred Rivers, here, wander apart; 
And right in betwixt pulsed the Ancient World's heart. 
The Garden uv Eden lay sumwhere around — 
And all uv this desert wuz once holy ground. 
But this didn't stand in the way uv the fight, 
Which kep on a-bilin', both noontime and night. 
Right on up the Tigris they pushed their hot chase, 
And razzled the Turkey, and spit in his face. 
They kep him a-goin', and never cried halt — 
If Bagdad escaped, it wuz none uv their fault. 
They cum up to Kut, and here stopped f er a rest — 
I'll now thread my story a bit furder West. 

The Bear needed bullets, and powder, and guns, 
To guard his possessions, and ward off the Huns. 
John Bull needed bread frum the fertile Ukraine, 
And swore he wud hev it, no matter what pain. 
More things were cunspirin', but this wuz enuf 
To warrant the Alleys in runnin' their bluff. 
They thot the time ripe fer the surgical feat 
Uv sever'n' the neck uv the Turkey cumplete. 
They saw that his forces were spread far and wide, 
And went in to git him, tail, taller, and hide. 
They ruther suspected they'd meet forty hells. 
Before they got thru with the blamed Dardanelles. 
But little's the odds, when a thing's to be done — 
The harder the sleddin', the greater the fun. 
They knowed that Leander had swum right across, 
And Xerxes had passed, and repassed, without loss. 

39 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Straits are cuntracted, and hard to git by — 
But nuthin' is gained without makin' a try. 
Where uthers had ventured, they'd dare venture, too ; 
With fair luck assisting they'd stumble it thru. 
If Jason succeeded, and fetched back the Fleece, 
Why shudn't their Argo bring Vict'ry and Peace? 

Without sayin' boo, they had gethered a fleet 
Seemed nuthin' on earth wud be able to beat. 
They snuck in around the green islands uv Greece, 
And every day witnessed a stiddy increase. 
They hoped and expected to spring a surprize ; 
And ketch the Turk nappin', er rubbin' his eyes. 
No inklin' wuz given uv purpose, er plan ; 
And nobody knowed it ontil it began. 
It 'pears that ol' Garden wuz out uv the game. 
And Robeck wuz in f er the laurels and fame. 
He opened up briskly, and let out a roar 
That loosened the hinges on every Turk's door. 
The Sultan rushed out uv his Harem, in fright, 
And tore his pajamas to git in the fight. 
The thing had cummenced ; but to say how 'twud end, 
Apollo ner Prophet wud dare to pretend ! 

A few rousin' shots frum the guns uv the fleet 
Demolished the forts, at the entrance, cumplete. 
This done in a jiffy, they nosed furder up ; 
But soon cum in tech with the darlin's uv Krupp. 
The keen eye uv William, this movement, foresaw — 
He'd filed up the teeth uv the Serpent's back jaw. 
But Robeck, ondaunted, went blunder'n' ahead. 
And scooped up the mines, keerin' not what wuz sed. 
His Bulldogs kep barkin' — 'twuz England that spoke — 
And Johnny's the boy that kin raise the big smoke. 

40 



THE "SICK MAN" MADE WELL. 

The thing he had planned wuz to git the Turk's goat. 
To do the job nifty, he'd tuck off his coat, 
And rolled up his sleeves, and onbuttoned his vest — 
And now it wuz East hearin* strait frum the West. 
They hammered like Vulcans, both Britain and France ; 
But when they got thru, the Turk still had his pants. 

John Bull is no quitter — but, then, his head's thick ; 
He never once dreamt he'd be ketcht by a trick. 
He pushed up in sight uv the famed Kalid Bahr — 
If this he cud pass, then the goal wuzn't far. 
But suddently sumthin' flared up like a flame, 
That dashed all his hopes, and onsettled his fame. 
Three ships-uv-the-line had slid under the sea — 
Bouvet, Irresistible, Ocean — ^these three. 
The wiles uv the Turk had accomplished his end ; 
And nuthin' wuz left but to draw back and mend. 
The thing wuz a fizzle, ez every one knew, 
And Johnny wuz rattled, and all in a stew. 

If once he had failed, he cud try it again — 
The thing that's worth hevin's worth all uv its pain. 
So, thumpin' his knot, he cunceived a great scheme, 
He 'lowed wud awake every Turk frum his dream. 
He started his ships, loaded down to the hatch. 
With troops frum all corners, that nuthin' cud match. 
They cum frum Australia, New Zealand, and Ind — 
Frum Dublin and Cork, their good names to defend. 
They cum frum the shires uv old England herself — 
To fight fer her glory, disdainin' her pelf. 
They cum frum the Continents, Islands, and seas — 
The dashin' d'Amade, with his Senegalese. 
They cum frum all winds, French and English allied, 
To do up the Turk, and to humble his pride. 

41 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The ships and the soldiers, this time, wud unite, 
And share in the glory that sprung f rum the fight. 
They bounced in the ring, never waitin' to shake — 
But soon they were minded the Turk wuz awake ! 
The Britain edged north, and the French to the south — 
Expectin* to muzzle the Serpent's big mouth. 
The Frenchman set foot on the steps uv Kum Kale, 
But cudn't git by fer the thunder and hail. 
The Brit waded in thru the hidden barbed-wire. 
And paid little heed to the Turk's blindin' fire. 
He lost about half, 'fore he struck solid land ; 
But still, nuthin' daunted, he stuck to the strand. 
Cape Hellas wuz his, tho the price paid wuz high — 
He'd cum there to fight, and, if need be, to die ! 
Not countin' his fallen, he peppered the foe. 
And crowded him back, tho the crowdin' wuz slow. 
The French had jined in, but they cudn't git far — 
And flustered and floundered around Seddul Bahr. 

The lads frum the Orient next won their spurs, 
And give Gabe Tepe a name without blurs. 
'Tis now deathless ANZAC, writ large in their blood ; 
Fer here they poured out their fresh life like a flood. 
The Empire may sink, but the deeds they done here, 
On glory's escutcheon will always appear. 
If devils e'er f ot in the trenches uv hell. 
They cudn't say more than the Anzac kin tell. 
Jes' smile, if you will, at the renegade Turk — 
But Tommy will tell you he got in his work. 
Tho, on Islam's shoulders, a Teuton head stood. 
The Alleys cunfess that the Moslem made good. 

They'd now won a footin', thru infinite pain — 
Cullectin' the remnants, they at 'em again! 

42 



THE "SICK MAN" MADE WELL. 

They driv strait f er Krithia, o'er hillside and dere — 
Disdainin' all quarter, they died without fear. 
The high Achi Baba, they dared to assail ; 
If darin' wud win it, they'd win without fail. 
With bullets and bayonets, shrapnel and shell, 
The Moslems cum down like the devils frum hell. 
No heart cud endure it, no courage withstand — 
Each fell with his musket gript firm in his hand. 
Like demons, they f ot ; but they cudn't make head ; 
So, takin' a respite, they buried their dead. 

This made the Turk chesty ; and, strait f er Anzac, 
He went with a rush — but wuz glad to git back ! 
The thing simmered down f er a brief timely rest — 
The Alleys demandin' more help frum the West. 

They figured and planned, and laid out a great coup — 
Expecting by Christmas, to hev Turkey-soup. 
Fresh batches rolled in frum the West and the East, 
And all wuz prepared f er the oncumin' feast. 
They thot Suvla Bay wuz the right place to strike ; 
Frum thence, it wuz settled, they'd launch the Grand Hike ! 
But sumhow er uther, it got tangled up — 
And when they dashed off, run slapdab into Krupp. 
The big spludge wuz on, and they cudn't say nay — 
The Bulldogs and Berthas all mixed in the fray. 
They slathered and thundered round Gallipoli, 
Till nuthin' wuz left but the Lonesome Pine Tree ! 
It 'peared that a cyclone had tore up the earth. 
And scrapped everything that had value er worth. 

When all had blowed over, the Turk wuz still there — 
And all that the Alleys cud do wuz to swear. 
They'd lost the Big Chance, and the thing petered out — 
But blood and destruction lay scattered about. 

43 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The goal wuz still far, but they cudn't do more — 
The only thing left wuz to pull f rum the shore. 

This ended the fight fer the famed Dardanelle. 
The Sultan wuz happy — ^the ''Sick Man" wuz well ! 



44 



CHAPTER VIII. 
SKINNIN' UV THE BEAR. 

The Bear set aloft in his mountains uv snow, 
And gazed on fair Hungary sleepin' below. 
The time wuz soon cumin* to make his swoop down, 
And gobble up Joseph, boots, britches, and crown. 
He'd filed up his teeth, and resharpened his claw, 
And made preparations to fill his great maw. 
All winter he'd hustled and kep the thing warm. 
And never tuck shelter frum blizzard er storm. 
Along the hul stretch frum the Baltic to Stry, 
The Teuton and Tartar blacked each uther's eye. 
Way up to the north where the lakes were froze tight. 
They thawed out the ice with the heat frum the fight. 
First, Nick wud go forward ; and then he'd go back ; 
And then cum again and give William a whack. 
The Grand Duke wuz bizzy, and Mackensen, too ; 
And neither slep soundly the hul winter thru, 
or Hindy wuz up in the Prussian morass, 
To head off the Cossack and not let him pass. 
Each feller wuz itchin' to hev the thing out. 
And land a fell blow on the uther guy's snout. 
So that's how it stood at the breakin' uv Spring — 
Each one gittin' ready to make the grand swing. 

All seemed to go lovely fer Nick and the Bear, 
And every one 'lowed they'd hev Franz by the hair. 
Around the hul earth, it flashed out like a flame — 
The fall uv the town uv onspeakable name ! 

45 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Teuton, outwinded, had give up the ghost, 
And Nicky led forth the oncountable host. 
This put lots uv ginger in Cossack and Russ, 
And braced up the courage uv oV fightin' Bruss. 
He thot the time ripe f er the great forward sweep — 
To round up the Huns, like a vast herd uv sheep, 
And settle the bacon uv Joseph f er good. 
And rustle the Kaiser right out uv the wood. 
He never once dreamt that the thing cud go wrong, 
And went on ez happy ez birds at their song. 
He never suspected that Mackey wuz near, 
Jes' layin' to give him a biff in the ear. 
It's no part uv mine to drop words uv advice, 
Er caution the cheese against temptin' the mice. 
I only note f ac's, ez Time brings 'em to birth. 
And let the world take 'em f er what they are worth. 

The Hun got to bat, and had made a few hits, 
And bagged Bukowina, and stole Czemowitz. 
Not satisfied fully, he grabbed Stanislau — 
And that made the Bear kind o' raise up his brow. 
He still held the mountains, and plugged every pass. 
And wuzn't inclined to take enny Hun's sass. 
His swipin' uv thousands had puffed him up quite, 
And made him thrice eager f er frolic er fight, 
or Brussy got chesty, to tell you the truth. 
And lunged at Von Linsingen over the Pruth. 
He landed him right, and tuck most that he had, 
And lashed him, and thrashed him, and mussed him up bad. 
The time had now cum to begin the great dive, 
To snatch up the Hunky and eat him alive. 
It seemed that no power on earth cud restrain 
The sweep uv the Bear over Joseph's domain. 

46 



SKINNIN* UV THE BEAR. 

But jest ez he started, he heerd sumthin^ drop — 
That made him reel backward and turn quite a flop. 
Way out on the Dunajee sumthin' broke loose 
That give him a reason, and blamed good excuse. 

Without sayin' scat to the Cossack er Russ, 
Er hintin' to Nicky, er wily oV Bruss, 
The Kaiser had gethered sum millions uv Huns, 
And mountains uv bullets, and acres uv guns. 
And got 'em all ready to make a grand dash 
To carve up the Bear and reduce him to hash. 
He waded right in, with or Franz at his back. 
And left only Death and Despair in his track. 
Bold Mackey struck hard, and he struck mighty fast, 
And made the earth roll like an earthquake had passed. 
The big push had started, and nuthin' cud stop. 
And all that the Tartar cud do wuz to hop. 
Dmitrieff woke up frum his long winter sleep, 
And found that his army wuz all in a heap. 
He pulled out the pieces and tried to retreat. 
But Mackey had swep him right off uv his feet. 
or Brussy cum rushin' to see what wuz up. 
And run his nose square in the muzzles uv Krupp. 
The Grand Duke, excited, went thunderin' down 
To see what wuz wrong, and to guard the Bear's crown. 
Twuz high time fer Nicky to lay off his coat — 
Fer William and Joseph had cum fer his goat. 

They'd gethered their thunderbolts all in a stack, 
And started to hurl them without lookin' back. 
They fell on the heads uv the fast-fleein' Russ — 
The faster they throwed 'em the harder he'd cuss. 
'Twuz Grybow, and Gorlice, and on to Jaslo — 
Dmitrieff cried ''Help!" — but his help wuz too slow, 

47 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Right o'er the Wislowka they thundered ahead, 
And piled up the Tartars in mountains uv dead. 
Then, dealin' oV Brussy a blow on the hip, 
Soon saw the Carpathians beginnin' to slip. 
The hul blasted army rolled back to a man, 
And presently Mackey wuz f acin' the San. 
The flurry to north and to south wuz in vain — 
The Grand Duke wuz suddently griped with a pain. 
To git out f rum under wuz now the main thot, 
And not to git tangled, er tied in a knot. 
They stopt fer a moment to take a fresh breath, 
And make a few vows to the Devil and Death. 

Cullectin' his remnants, the Duke made a stab. 
And swore that his marbles they never shud grab. 
But Mackey, determined on goin' ahead. 
Paid little attention to what the Duke sed. 
He know'd he had bullets, and guns without end. 
And challenged the Bear, if he cud, to defend. 
One blow to the northward, and Jaroslav came ; 
Then f ollered the town uv onspeakable name. 
The river wuz crossed, and the thing wus kep hot. 
Till Lemberg wuz circled, and fell in the pot. 
The hul uv Galicia wuz now in his mitt. 
And that made the Bear throw a double-barreled fit. 
His gains were all lost at a single bold stroke — 
His courage wuz shattered, his spirit wuz broke. 

While Mackey wuz winnin' his spurs in the south, 
or Hindy had leisurly opened his mouth. 
And gobbled a portion uv Nicky's domain — 
Not seemin' to mind it, er f eelin' the strain. 
He'd swollered Libau, and a part uv Courland, 
And had a fair bit uv Suwalki in hand. 

48 



SKINNIN' UV THE BEAR. 

The Bear peeled his eyes when he saw what wuz done, 
And guessed he wuz in f er sum mighty grim fun. 
The Teuton had flung out a wide-swingin' noose, 
Expectin* the Slav to be ketcht like a goose. 
Not only Warsaw, and the neck uv the Pole — 
He'd counted on landin' the Bear ez a whole. 
The trap wuz well baited and cleverly set. 
And Mackey and Hindy had hold uv the net. 
The Duke wuz deep in when he scented their game, 
And saw 'twuz skedaddle to save his good name. 
They call it Grand Tactics to make sich a swoop — 
It seems but plain stealin', to grab the hul coop. 
But everything's fair when it cums to a fight— 
And if it's successful, it's perfectly right ! 

or Mackey struck northward, and Hindy to south, 
Expectin' to meet with the Bear in their mouth. 
If once he wuz ketcht in the nut-cracker's jaws. 
They'd hev him cumpletely, hoofs, hamestring, and claws. 
So each started in, swingin' hammer and tong. 
And merrily pushed the grand chorus along. 
Bold Mackey smote Lublin, then headed fer Brest, 
While Gallwitz rolled in like a storm, f rum the west. 
Von Beseler wuz there, fresh frum Antwerp's big stunt. 
To cave in the Bear's grizzled fortified front. 
It seemed certain doom fer the Cossack and Pole, 
And nuthin' wuz lackin' but closin' the hole. 
The throne uv all Russias shuck down to its base. 
And Nicky wuz stunned, and turned white in the face. 
The Alleys had shivers, and throwed forty fits. 
But cudn't do nuthin' but rave in their pits. 
The Bear shouted ''Help!'' — ^but none cum to his side; 
So now, 'twuz a question uv savin' his hide. 

49 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He let out a howl, then he gethered his strength, 

And went at the Teuton and laid him full length. 

A feller kin fight when his back's to the wall, 

And squeeze thru a crack that seems mighty blamed small. 

Now this wuz the pickle the Grand Duke wuz in — 

And few kin tell how he got out with his skin. 

The guns kep a-boomin', and never let up, 
And played the Grand Symphony authored by Krupp. 
It rolled over river, and mountain, and plain, 
And chilled every soul with its horrid refrain. 
It swep up frum Lublin, and down frum Kovno, 
And raged around Warsaw, above and below. 
They played the Grand March, ez to victory they sped, 
And chanted a requiem to dyin' and dead. 
What mattered a fortress, a bastion, er wall ? 
Von Beseler's Big Berthas made mincemeat uv all. 
The cohorts uv hell cudn't stand in their path. 
And none but the Devil's cud equal their wrath. 

When Hindy and Mackey, and all uv the rest. 
Closed in frum the north, and the south, and the west. 
They found that the Bear had eluded their grip. 
And left but his tail, and a slice uv his hip. 
But Poland wuz theirs ; and, with splendid eclat. 
The Kaisers rode in thru the gates uv Warsaw. 

They never once halted, er stopt f er a rest. 
But pushed right ahead over Vilna and Brest. 
Not satisfied yet, they kep hammer'n' like sin 
Till Dubno, and Pinsk, and the Courland, fell in. 
Frum Riga right down to the tip uv Roumaine, 
The battle-line run — and sure that wuz sum gain ! 
They kep the Bear rollin' till all out uv breath. 
And bumpt him, and thumpt him, and skeert him to death. 

50 



SKINNIN' UV THE BEAR. 

He stumbled and pitched over river and heath, 
And barely escaped by the skin uv his teeth. 
Once back in his Marshes, he set down to think — 
And wundered what caused all the flurry and stink ! 

The Army wuz rescued — a few millions shy — 
But Nicky wuz sportin' a mighty black eye! 
The Grand Duke had cumpassed his wunderf ul feat — 
Not much on advancing but hell on retreat ! 
He'd pulled out the fragments, and saved what he cud ; 
But what he had left wuzn't very much good. 
His courage wuz shattered — and so wuz his fame — 
And all he had now you cud hang in a frame. 
Great title don't always mean greatness itself. 
And sumtimes it's better if laid on the shelf. 
To ease him off gently, and not let him drop. 
They give him a berth sumthin' down f rum the top. 
The Little White Father tuck hold uv the helm, 
And steered what wuz left uv the storm-beaten realm. 

The Bear got a skinnin' — ^that's all you kin say — 
And Nicky wuz glad to cut loose f rum the fray. 
Joy reigned in the Camp uv the Teuton and Hun, 
And Monarch and milk-maid jined hands in the fun. 

While William had Bear fer his Thanksgivin' feast, 
The Alleys et crow — ^jest a bit furder East. 



&1 



CHAPTER IX. 
BUTTIN' THE GRANITE WALL. 

While William and Joseph lambasted the Bear, 
The Alleys throwed spasm, and tore at their hair. 
The neck uv the Turkey, they'd twisted in vain — 
And passed up the job without countin' their slain. 
To save Nicky's bacon they'd now smash the rear, 
And capture Berlin, and a few places near. 
They 'lowed Kitchner's Million wud turn the big trick, 
And do it up fancy, and end the thing quick. 
All Gaul wuz a buzzin', preparin' to strike, 
And send Heine home on a hot-griddle hike. 
The Belge'd cum back, and wuz up to the scratch — 
Jest itchin' to die f er his lost tater-patch. 
The poilu wuz prancin' to git in the game, 
And wipe frum the Lily the blot and the shame. 
The Tommy wuz braggin' the things he wud do ; 
And how, once he started, he'd shove it right thru. 
Along the hul line, if you dared to draw near, 
'Twuz bluster and fluster — that's all you cud hear. 
The world stood impatient to see the grand stroke 
Wud ondo the Kaiser, and throw off the yoke. 

John Bull got excited, and went off half-cocked ; 
He thumpt the back-door, but found out it wuz locked. 
The spot he had chosen wuz down at Chapelle — 
He started right in raisin' all kinds uv hell. 
He cut loose with fury, and tore up the ground, 
And burnt lots uv powder, and made a big sound. 

52 



BUTTIN* THE GRANITE WALL. 

He shot the last bullet he had in his store — 
When all had bio wed over, 'twuz jest ez before. 
This stirred up a rumpus thruout the hul realm — 
And soon uther fingers were grippin' the helm. 
It's no use a-talkin', youVe got to hev guns, 
And acres uv bullets — ^to scuttle the Huns. 
It learnt John a lesson he's never fergot — 
He went right to work makin' powder and shot. 

This little fiasco pulled off at Chapelle 
Put pep in the poilu, and made his head swell. 
He thot, if French cudn't, at least, Joffre cud ; 
And so, started out to show how to make good. 
The first thing he done wuz to spring at the Vosges ; 
And, round Hartmans-Weilerkopf , bift the Hun's nose. 
He thot he wud boost him clean out uv Alsace — 
But dab ! he felt sumthin' smite full in his face. 
The Hun had woke up, and had reached round the kop^ 
And give him one bat — and the poilu cried stop ! 

Not findin' it easy to bluff William here. 
He moved f urder up where the weather seemed clear. 
He lunged at Saint Mihiel with all uv his might. 
And 'lowed he wud soon see the foe in full flight. 
To straiten the line, and to bolster Verdun, 
Wuz worth all the fightin', not countin' the fun. 
He went at it gamely, with bayonet fixed ; 
And soon had 'em movin', and terribly mixed. 
But Fritz, it appears, hez the Dutch-lucky knack 
Uv gittin' ontangled and cumin' right back. 
With all uv his efforts, the most he cud do 
Wuz punch a few holes — but he cudn't git thru. 
He'd hoped and expected to rush into Metz — 
But right at Saint Mihiel the Kaiser still sets. 

53 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

We cum once again to the graveyard uv Ypres, 
Where oncounted thousands cumplacently sleep. 
Sum months had slid by since the grim, fatal day 
That sidetracked the Kaiser when billed f er Calais. 
He champed at his bit, and he cudn't keep still — 
Jest itchin' to try out his new way to kill.^ 
The Alleys had reckoned the time wuz at hand 
To help little Albert regain his lost land. 
They'd floated them in f rum the ends uv the earth, 
And seemed to be swellin' a bit at the girth. 
They all were cocksure that the time wuz now ripe 
To give William's cohorts a finishin' swipe. 
The Beige wuz there with his blood bilin' hot — 
The Frank, and the Brit, and the Celt, and the Scot. 
The Indian rolled in frum the gates uv Lahore — 
The wooly canuck, frum the far Western shore. 
Each one wuz a-spilin' to git at the Hun, 
And keerd not f er death, but the glory and fun. 

They blowed up Hill Sixty — ^that started the ball. 
The heavens then opened, and things 'gan to fall. 
The Alleys got ready to turn the big trick — 
But found wily William a trifle too slick. 
Jest ez they were strainin' to leap frum the trench, 
Their noses got tangled in sum kind uv stench. 
They made quite a struggle, but cudn't git past — 
And when they woke up, found they all had bin gassed!' 
'Twuz sumthin' bran new, in the gamble with Death — 
When fightin' the Devil, look out f er his breath ! 
It swep all the timbers frum under their feet ; 
And knocked 'em plumb groggy, and floored 'em cumplete. 
They rolled on the sand, and turned blue in the face ; 
Then tried to git up and wipe out the disgrace. 

54 



BUTTIN' THE GRANITE WALL. 

But William had fixed 'em, and roped 'em down tight ; 
And when 'twuz all over, they'd lost the hul fight. 
Now, this wuz the second attempt around Ypres — 
And all they had gained wuz more dead f er their heap ! 

This new kind uv fightin' stirred up a great muss — 
Around the hul earth, people started to cuss. 
But murder is murder — and that's what war is — • 
If gassin' will do it, let gas do the biz. 
Why make human folks play a cannibal's game? — 
Then kick on the method, and cry hully shame ! 
You spring sumthin' new, and the world starts to squeal- 
Then rushes right into it head over heel. 
It wuzn't no time till the Alleys gassed, too — ■■ 
So now, the cuntention hez kind o' fell thru. 

You cudn't hunswoggle a feller like Foch, 
By feedin' him bullets, er bottled up smoke. 
The poilu ain't built on the everyday plan — 
Cums down to a fight, he's more devil than man. 
The Boche wuz leery 'bout kindlin' his ire. 
And knowed hell wuz roses, cumpared to his fire. 
Foch started right in, when he heerd uv the trick, 
And stacked up his guns about ninety miles thick. 
He went at him strait, with a fierceness and rage 
That nuthin' on earth cud withstand er assuage. 
He hurtled him back, over sandhill and dune. 
And trimmed him up right, frum Arras to Bethune. 
He flayed him by companies, regiments, corps ; 
And settled accounts fer a lot uv old scores. 
While Foch wuz a-hammer'n', Haig made a fresh spiel, 
And landed on Festubert, headed fer Lille. 
The Hun, like a groundmole, had burrowed deep down, 
And that kep the Tommy frum snatchin' his crown. 

55 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They'd both done sum dirt, but their principal boast — 
Wuz acres uv dead, and an onburied host! 

Despite their bad luck, they were still in the ring — 
Jest waitin' a chance fer the finishin' swing. 
They'd nibbled up here, and they'd nibbled down there — 
'Twuz now a bold stroke to relieve the sick Bear. 
No one-hoss arrangement wud settle the bill — 
'Twuz whole hog er nuthin', break thru er a spill. 
Their fighters had cum f rum around the hul earth — 
White, black, brown, and yeller — all colors and girth. 
Frum Cheeseland to Channel, 'twuz one solid push 
To rustle the Boche frum shell-hole and bush. 
or Joff re, the trumpeter, tooted his horn — 
And nuthin' hez equaled it since Time wuz born. 
Frum mountain to sea, round the hul blasted front, 
The thing opened wide fer the final grand stunt. 
The Boche wuz staggerd when first it cum down. 
And thot that an earthquake had crumpled the groun'. 
He grabbed fer his musket, and let loose his gas, 
And swore that no mortal a-livin' shud pass. 
They grappled and f ot ; and, like giants uv old. 
Piled Ossa on Pelion, and clung to their hold. 
And rassled all over the Frenchman's domain. 
And never once stopt to take breath, er cumplane. 
They kep her a-hummin' on earth, and in air, 
And under the ground, and a-most ennywhere 
k Boche cud hide, er cunceal his blamed skin — 
And once he wuz captured, they hustled him in. 
It looked fer a time ez if William's strong cord 
Wud snap in the middle ; and then, blessed Lord ! 
What mess it wud make fer the Kaiser and Krupp — 
The Empire wud bust, and the jig wud be up ! 

56 



BUTTIN' THE GRANITE WALL. 

It didn't turn out ez they reckoned it shud — 
The line wuz still firm, with the Hun makin* good. 
The big noise wuz over, and not much to show — 
Save long rows uv crosses where corn used to grow ! 
Big drives are inspirin' when right in full blast — 
But seem a bit different when once they are past. 
No doubt war is worth all its carnage and cost — 
But falls purty hard on the fellers that's lost. 

The Hun had stuck fast to his burrows and dens — 
You can't jedge a fight till you know how it ends! 
But Joffre, and Albert, and Johnny Bull — all 
Admit they had butted a solid stone wall. 
The Kaiser and Joseph held onto their lands — 
And now, turned to finish the job on their hands. 

It's no use a-tryin' to smuther the fac's — 
The Alleys got licked standin' right in their tracks. 
The Bear wuz knocked out — and the Turkey wuz saved- 
I'll next aim to show you how Peter got shaved. 



57 



CHAPTER X. 

CANNIN' THE SERB. 

It's hard to ontangle a tangled up knot ; 
And down in the Balkans that's jest what youVe got. 
They'd all clicked together and cleaned up the Turk — 
And done the job nifty, with right clever work. 
But when it cum down to dividin' the swag, 
Each feller wuz lay in' to grab the hul bag. 
They cudn't strike terms, so they got in a fight. 
And mixed the thing up in a terrible plight. 
They spatted like tomcats sewed up in a sack. 
And made the fur fly f rum each uther's spare back. 
At length, bein' winded, and sumwhat deprest. 
They'd all cum together down at Bucharest, 
And patched up a peace that had suited no one — 
And there's where the soreness and trubble begun. 
Thieves seldom are willin' to give up their loot. 
Except you go at 'em with horse-whip and boot. 
The Bulgar had borne a good sheer uv the load. 
And thot he'd hang on to both sides uv the road. 
The Serb and the Greek had helpt carve up the bird, 
So each wuz expectin' to git his full third. 
When once the scrap started, self-seekin' Roumaine 
Saw loomin' right up a fine chance fer sum gain. 
So, jinin' with Constantine, Peter, and Nick — 
They wallopt the Bulgar, and trimmed him up slick. 
Instid uv the apple, he'd gotten the peel — 
And that's how it cums he let out sich a squeal. 

58 



CANNIN' THE SERB. 

Both Alleys and Teutons knowed how the thing stood- 
And each tried to twist it to his special good. 
The Bulgar wuz bilin', and still steamin' hot, 
Remember'n' the trimmin' he'd recently got. 
The Serb wuz deep in, but wuz holdin' his own ; 
And Peter wuz still settin' high on his throne. 
But Tino seemed nervous, and all out uv fix, 
Since brother'n-law William had got in the mix. 
You can't stay the same when relations cum in, 
Fer sumhow it's bound to git under the skin. 
The Alley tried hard to keep all in the nest, 
And whistled up courage, and hoped fer the best. 
But luck hadn't favored 'em much here uv late, 
And that made it harder to keep matters strait. 
The Turkey had wiggled clean out uv their grip, 
The Bear had got tangled and started to slip, 
And things. East and West, didn't show sich a gleam 
Ez they had foreseen in their rose-tinted dream. 
It's always much easier to keep up a fuss. 
Than iron out the kinks when they're once in a muss. 
Each wanted the earth, with a patch uv the moon — 
Decided to hev it, and that mighty soon. 
When too menny hogs git their nose in the swill, 
You're likely to see sumthin' startin' to spill. 
The Alleys had striven to satisfy all ; 
And that's how it cums they rode strait to their fall. 

The Bulgar cum floppin' right down f rum his roost ; 
And that give the Teutons a purty smart boost. 
or Ferdy had sed that he thot it onwise 
To strike till he felt fairly sure uv his prize. 
They all had bin cautious about cumin' in, 
And wanted to fight on the side that wud win. 

59 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Teutons had promised him all he cud take — 

And that, at the worst, seemed a ruther fair shake. 

The Alleys had little to offer in turn. 

And so he kep lettin' them chafer and bum. 

The Turkey already had passed him a slice, 

And that had done sumthin' toward breakin' the ice. 

To git at or Peter wuz what he craved most ; 

And when he saw William cum down with his host. 

He thot the time ripe to git into the game. 

And even things up f er the wrong and the shame. 

Now this is the way that the Bulgar got snared — 

The Future alone kin best tell how he fared. 

Dame Fortune had favored the Serb up to now, 
And Peter wuz wearin' a purty high brow. 
He'd give naber Joseph a lickin' er so. 
And that had him struttin' ez proud ez a crow. 
He wuzn't af eard uv the devil, er saint, 
And went on a-flauntin' his feathers and paint. 
He felt fairly safe ; f er he knowed that the Greek 
Wuz right at his back if the Bulgar shud speak. 
It seems sounder wisdom, when f eelin* cocksure, 
To 'pear a bit meek, and a trifle demure. 
You never kin tell, when the weather is fair, 
Jest how long the bamness will stay in the air. 
The Alleys, uv course, had their millions uv men — 
But soldiers with guns are the fellers that win. 
With all kinds uv backin', there's chances to lose. 
And git bumpt cumplete standin' right in yer shoes. 

The Teutons had finally sewed up the Bear, 
And now were out lookin' f er sumthin' elsewhere. 
The Kaiser wuz needin' a road to the Horn, 
And on thru to Bagdad, to fetch up his com. 

60 



CANNIN' THE SERB. 

Franz Joseph, still feelin' the sting uv defeat, 

Wuz itchin' to git a good punch at oV Pete. 

The Bulgar wuz ready to stand enny cost 

To git back the plunder and prestige he'd lost. 

So, that's how it stood when the fireworks let loose 

That singed the hul kingdom, and cooked Peter's goose. 

With Nicky's scalp danglin' secure at his side. 
Bold Mackey cum down, like the roll uv the tide, 
And, jinin' his forces with Joseph and Ferd, 
Went strait at the job without speakin' a word. 
Right over the Save, and the Danube, he swooped ; 
And landed on Belgrade, and soon had it cooped. 
This stirred Peter's ire, and so right back he cum — 
And then the thing started to sizzle and hum. 
Twice thwarted, ol' Franz felt the hour had now struck — 
The third time's the charm, and this omened good luck. 
King Ferdinand reckoned the day wuz at hand 
To git sweet revenge, and to swipe Peter's land. 
It don't seem quite fair f er a hul pack uv hounds 
To pounce on one fox — but that's jest how it sounds. 
To make matters worse, when the Serb shouted "Help!'*- 
Wise Tino turned tail, and snuck off like a whelp. 
The Alleys once more were hunswoggled and tricked; 
And that's how it cums they so often git licked. 
A new "scrap uv paper/' drawn up in great haste, 
Wuz tost in the basket and lugged out ez waste. 
It don't do to gamble too much on a king — 
You can't always figure which way he will swing. 
The Alleys were flustered, and ketcht in a fog. 
When Tino slunk off like a sheep-killin' dog. 
They'd better hev tuck him and lopt off his head. 
And saved countless mangled, and acres uv dead. 

61 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Their only hope now wuz to git in the game, 
And try to wipe out a proud woman's foul shame. 

Ez Joseph and William were on Peter's track, 
or Ferdinand stabbed him right square in the back. 
The time had now cum f er to settle all scores — 
And so, they broke down every one uv his doors. 
And smashed up the china, and kicked in the bed, 
And smote the hul f ambly, and left it f er dead. 
The Hun never stopt when he gobbled Belgrade, 
But went flounder 'n' on over mountain and glade. 
He grabbed the Iron Gate, and linked up with ol' Ferd, 
And all went together to round up the herd. 
They landed Losnitza, and Kraguyevatz, 
And made the Serbs flee like a bunch uv skeert cats. 
The Bulgar snatched Istip, and pounced on Uskub ; 
And that give oV Peter a mighty hard rub. 
Serrail cum a-rushin' right up the Vardar — 
John Bull at his heels — but they didn't git far. 
The Bulgar and Teuton were now in full swing. 
And nuthin' cud stop 'em, er crumple their wing. 
They slung out their line and went anglin' f er Nish, 
And soon hauled it in like a boy does a fish. 
They didn't stop here, but they went thunder'n' by. 
And vowed not to sleep while a Serb batted eye. 
They knowed they had Peter right down in the ditch. 
And swore they wud croak the last son uv a — ^Vich. 

The Serb hez got nerve, and a blamed lot uv sass ; 
He slowly fell back to the Babuna Pass, 
And here made a stand, and put up a game fight — 
It's hard to give in when you know you are right. 
But that made no diff 'rence to Bulgar and Hun — 
They had him a-goin', and relished the fun. 

0Si 



CANNIN' THE SERB. 

The Alleys tried hard to push up to his side, 
But cudn't cunnect fer the down-sweepin' tide. 
He stuck to his post till the last dog wuz dead — 
And now 'twuz skedaddle, er lose his fool head. 
So, over the hills uv Albania he flew ; 
And left all behind him — what else cud he do ? 
The Teutons swoopt down and tuck in Monastir — 
This ended the game, fer they had the hul smear! 

or Peter's hind wheel had gone bad in the flight, 
And left him high-stranded, and in a sad plight. 
So, grabbin' his crown, he jumpt into a cart — 
How soon is a king and his kingdom apart ! 
He never once stopt till he cum to the beach — 
Secure frum all danger, and out uv harm's reach. 

But this didn't satisfy William and Franz — 
To swipe Peter's kingdom, and lug off his pants. 
Way up in the mountains, there set little Nick — 
Who felt hizself safe, and wuz minded to stick. 
Ez proud ez a peacock, he strutted about ; 
And dreamt his barred doors wud keep every thief out. 
But Joseph got bizzy, and loaded his guns. 
And called up a squad uv his sure-footed Huns, 
And soon had 'em scalin' the high mountain-side. 
To crop Nicky's wing, and to humble his pride. 
When once they'd passed Prisrend, and Novibazar, 
The way up the hill didn't seem very far. 
Before you cud think it, they'd jumpt the line-fence. 
And skeert the Mont'negrin half out uv his sense. 
He left the gate open, and started to run — 
And that made it roses fer Heine and Hun! 
They chased him right over the Tara and Lim — 
And Nicky soon found that his chances were slim. 

63 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

To sacred Mount Lovcen, he pinned his last hope; 
And knowed, if it fell, *twuz the end uv his rope. 
Fair Cetinje yielded — the Mountain wuz next — 
And not keerin' much to be scooped, er Dutch-hexed, 
He spread out his wings, and he flew f rum his nest — 
And William and Joseph kin tell you the rest! 

Thus, endeth the story uv Peter and Nick — 
They'd smoked the same pipe, and had bin purty thick. 
It's good to be friends — ^but to push it too far, 
Sumtimes gits a feller a terrible jar. 
They now cud jine Albert, and let worry go — 
Most people are kind to a royal side-show! 
One cause uv the trubble, amung uther things, 
The planet is curst with too menny bum kings. 
The fewer the better, the people will say. 
Before they git thru with this onhappy fray. 

I've give a slight bit uv the fightin' on land — 
And now, f er a change, I will face to the strand. 



64 



CHAPTER XI. 
TRUBBLES UV NEPTUNE. 

or Neptune hez witnessed a heap here uv late 
That tends to onnerve him, and fuss him up great. 
He's bin so accustomed to mild ways uv peace, 
It's sumwhat cunfusin' to find 'em all cease. 
The wind and the gale is about all he's had 
To give him excitement, er make him feel bad. 
But matters hev changed since the trubble begun, 
And now he sees nuthin' but frolic and fun. 
It's here, and it's there, and around everywhere — 
He scase kin look up, but it's flash er a flare. 
The boomin' uv cannons, the mines lettin' go, 
The torpedoes bustin', the planes swoopin' low. 
The shrieks uv the dyin' ez ships plunge to doom — 
Cumpletely upset him, and fill him with gloom. 

All hands hev bin bizzy, and kep the seas hot, 
And burnt up the brine with their powder and shot. 
The Alleys skedaddled the Teut f rum the foam. 
And nailed him up fast when they got him chased home. 
John Bull started in, when he found that he cud. 
To starve out the Dutch — and he nearly made good. 
It seems purty hard that the wimmen and kids 
Can't be let alone — ^but the devil f erbids ! 
I'm not sayin' here that the thing isn't right — 
When fightin' to win, you must use all yer might. 
But William's no feller to simply lay down. 
And let uthers kick him and muss up his crown. 

65 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He knowed that John Bull had him in a tight place — 
But stood proudly up and put on a bold face. 
He reckoned his chances were scaly, on top — 
So right down in under went flippity-flop. 
John chuckled and laft till a pain struck his side, 
When first he saw William slip under the tide. 
He called him a porpoise, a whale, and a fish. 
And 'lowed he wud look mighty fine in a dish. 
He thot a blind ship but a pig in a poke, 
And counted the venture a splendid good joke. 
But William kep bizzy ez bees on the wing. 
And Johnny found later the fish had a sting. 
Frum time without memory, he'd lorded the wave — 
And now 'twuz steer shy, er a watery grave. 

A feller that's sported the belt a great while, 
Gits slightly more trembly at each cumin' trial. 
He brags a heap louder, but right down inside, 
There's sumthin' keeps sayin', ''Look out fer yer hide!' 
The sea hez served Johnny so long and so well. 
To let it slip now wud turn heaven to hell. 
So when the thing started, he kep up his bluff — 
Onloosed his suspenders, and went at it ruff. 
He told William plainly the wave wuz still his ; 
And all the world heerd it, and knowed he meant biz. 
He slung out his mines, and fenced in the North Sea, 
And sed to all cumers, ''You've got to see me!" 
The howl uv the noodrals wuz jest a huge joke. 
And all uv their fizzin' went up in blue smoke. 
This made William froth, but he had to give in — 
Fer all he cud do wuz to bear it and grin. 
John made it still stronger; and swore, on his soul, 
He'd dig him right out like the rats frum their hole. 

66 



TRUBBLES UV NEPTUNE. 

So William thot best to lay low f er a time, 
And mebby the bells wud take on a new chime. 

A fleet without water ain't very much use — 
A duck must keep swimming to keep his jints loose. 
The Kaiser wuz fuzzled, and right up a stump, 
And sent fer or Terpitz to cum on the jump. 
He told him the pickle that John had him in, 
And wundered jest how he cud puncture his skin, 
or Terpy got bizzy, and racked at his brain. 
And kep right on tuggin' thru sunshine and rain. 
He never let go till he wrot out a scheme 
That woke Johnny up frum his long pleasant dream. 
When first he oncorked it, it raised quite a stink, 
And set people talking and made 'em all think. 
The plan he proposed wuz to hedge John about, 
And not let his nabers fetch punkins er kraut. 
'Twuz sumthin' bran new, to lock up the high sea — 
But Johnny had done it, and why shudn't he? 
Blockade is blockade, and the thing you must do 
Is watch the ones cumin' and not let 'em thru. 
This starvin' uv children's a game two kin play — 
The one that laffs last hez the laff that will stay. 
It don't matter much if it's cruiser, er sub ; 
To keep 'em frum cumin' — right there is the nub. 
While Johnny rode high in his steam and his smoke, 
The Kaiser made hay with his submarine joke. 

Each side, frum the start, had done all kinds uv dirt, 
And pummeled the uther where most it wud hurt. 
A jab in the slats, er a punch in the snout. 
Is what each expected when loiter'n' about. 
The Teuton kep watchin' his chance to break thru — 
Fer, once on the surf, there wuz much he cud do. 

67 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Sumtimes he succeeded, and made a big scoop 
Before he wuz scuttled, er dumpt in the coop. 
The Karlsruhe and Mowe, and more uv their ilk. 
Upset scads uv buckets, and spilt lots uv milk. 
It kep Johnny f umin', and worked on his pride. 
To see William browsin' in pastures outside. 
But, once he got bizzy, it seldom tuck long — 
Twuz either ''Hands wp!" — er a dyin' swan's song. 

While much uv the havoc chanced out on the foam. 
The most uv it's happened right round close to home. 
The waves that kiss Albion cud tell a sad tale. 
If what they hev seen they wud simply onveil. 
Ill luck and misfortune may cum to the best — 
A dare-devil foe must account f er the rest. 
Explosion, cullision, and wrecked, spell a lot; 
But mined, er torpedoed, er sunk on the spot. 
Are words that onblushingly fall frum the lips 
Uv them that hev fated oncounted proud ships. 
But war is destruction, that's all you kin say — 
The one that does most uv it wins in the fray. 

John had William holed, and he cudn't git by — 
But that is no reason why one shudn't try. 
The Channel wuz plugged, but the North Sea is wide, 
And hez lots uv nooks where a feller kin hide. 
It's no harm to spar, tho you don't mean to fight — 
If daytime don't suit you, jest sneak out at night. 
The Kaiser quick saw 'twuz no yarn on his reel. 
To leave his Bulldogs lay a snoozin' round Kiel. 
They'd better git out, if they lost their blamed head. 
Than set and do nuthin', and eat up his bread. 
So, bracin' his courage, he sent a batch out — 
To kind o' smell round, and to prospect about. 

68 



TRUBBLES UV NEPTUNE. 

They hadn't got far till they scented John Bull, 

And that meant a scrap, er a strait-fer-home pull. 

Before you cud think, they were gittin' it right ; 

And hot-footed back to the Helgoland Bight. 

But when they got there, found the thing wuz no bluff — 

With four cruisers down, surely that wuz enuf. 

or Beatty had winged 'em — and he's a crack shot — 

And had the hul four uv them safe in the pot. 

The Magdeburg, Koln, Ariadne, and Mainz — 

The fate uv these darlin's give William great pains. 

But, give arud take's fair — you hev heerd that before — 
So, William tuck courage, and tried it once more. 
He sent out a sub — ^jest to see how 'twud feel — 
It landed three Bulldogs ez slick ez an eel! 
The Aboukir, Cressy, and Hogue, wuz the bag — 
And John wuz cunvinced he had no room to brag. 

This lucky adventure made William strut proud, 
And set every Dutchman to mouthin' quite loud. 
A little success gives a feller a boost. 
And makes him think he's the big cock uv the roost. 
It gingered him up, and put sand in his craw, 
And made him thrice eager to clip Johnny's claw. 
He hauled out his cruisers, and swep the North Sea, 
And 'peared 'bout ez chesty ez chesty kin be. 
He nagged at the Lion, and twisted his tail. 
And curried him down with his showers uv hail. 
He kep right on foolin', and playin* with fire. 
Till John got impatient, and brushed up his ire, 
And sed he wud teach him that boys shud stand back. 
And not stick their snoots into uther folks' sack. 

So, gether'n' a bunch uv his bulldogs and hounds, 
He started out prowlin' and makin' his rounds. 

69 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

One mornin', while nosin* about Dogger Bank, 

He stumbled right onto the Kaiser slap-spank. 

or Beatty wuz steerin' John's kennel about; 

While William had Hipper a-leadin' his out. 

They'd scase cum in sight, when they both shouted "Sic!" 

And soon the fur flew, and the heavens grew thick. 

They peppered each uther with shell and hot-shot, 

And kep the thing bilin' like suds in a pot. 

They stuck to it faithful, and tussled like sin. 

And neither one thot that the uther cud win. 

But Johnny bore down with sich weight on his foe, 

That William got groggy, and tried to let go. 

He partly succeeded, and quickly turned tail. 

And started f er home dodgin' John's blastin' hail. 

He cudn't cum clear, f er the Blucher wuz down — 

And Beatty had won a new star f er his crown ! 

It's tit f er tat sure, when you're playin' at war ; 
And that's what a feller must be lookin' for. 
But William got grumpy, and sulked in his tent ; 
And 'lowed that his dough had bin onwisely spent. 
His fleet wuz a failure on top uv the foam — 
And might ez well sink ez to fiddle round home. 
One thing he cud do, and cud do mighty well — 
That's stay under water, and raise hully hell. 
He started in briskly to turnin' out subs — 
And that's where John Bull hez got most uv his rubs. 
The Lion growled fiercely when punched f rum below ; . 
And people sed, ''William had better go slow/' 
The Dutch are bullheaded, and allfired mean. 
And don't give a cuss if their fightin' ain't clean. 
So, out frum their hidin', a batch uv 'em slips. 
And start right to work bangin' innocent ships. 

70 



TRUBBLES UV NEPTUNE. 

The noodrals got nervous, and cudn't sleep sound — 
Fer they thot the ocean wuz every man's ground. 
But William stayed at it, and bagged what he cud, 
And threatened to shet Johnny's wind off fer good. 
Tho all were on nettles, there wuzn't much sed — 
Till hang!! — Lusitania, and great stacks uv dead! 

This new kind uv war sent a shudderin' chill 
Around the hul earth, and no one cud set still. 
The murder'n' uv folks that were not in the mix, 
Wuz bound to git sumbody into a fix. 
The noodrals soon saw that nobody wuz safe, 
And got mighty restless, and started to chafe. 
The little ones, near, kind o' whispered about — 
But big Uncle Samuel, he blurted right out. 
He told Kaiser William jest where to head in. 
And what he cud do, if he valued his skin. 
This made William nervous; fer Sam wuz a friend, 
And wuzn't much keerin' who'd lick, in the end. 
But killin' his yungsters without good excuse, 
Wuz gittin' his neck purty close to a noose. 
This, William well knowed, so he blamed it on John, 
And tried to ease Samuel by feedin' him con. 
It didn't pan out, so the Kaiser cum down — 
He thot this much better than riskin' his crown. 
Still, William is crafty, and sly ez a fox. 
And hard to entangle, er ketch in a box. 

The thing simmered down, but it left a bad taste — 
The Kaiser wuz into it up to his waist. 
A bitterness rankled on sea and on land, 
And galled every wave to the farthermost strand. 
But William had promised that he wud be good; 
And here I will leave it — ez that's how it stood. 

71 



CHAPTER XII. 
SKYBUGS AND BATTLE. 

War works lots uv changes you never wud dream. 
And makes fellers out what they scasly wud seem. 
It turns human bein's to fishes and whales, 
And sends 'em a-skitin' on wings and with tails. 
They use to fight battles on top uv the soil ; 
But out-uv-date methods ain't 'cordin' to Hoyle. 
It's up in the clouds, and down under the waves — 
In burrows, and dens, and all sorts uv dark caves. 
Man's no longer man ; but a fowl, er a beast, 
With talons, er claws, seekin' blood f er his feast. 
No doubt war is right, and is all f er the best, 
But sumhow it tends to git under yer vest. 

Both sides are a pair when it cums to a scratch, 
And use all the chicks they are able to hatch. 
You scase kin look up, but you see shiny wings, 
And bizzy bees buzzin', and squads uv sich things. 
The air is chuck full uv onearthly strange sights, 
That make you feel creepy, especia'ly uv nights. 
They steal thru the darkness, and, 'fore you're aware, 
Let sumthin' fall down that gits into yer hair. 
You've always suspishioned that hell wuz below; 
But find yer mistake when the skybugs let go. 
If fightin' cud only be kep on the ground, 
A feller might still hev a chance to be found. 
But when it cums droppin' right down frum the sky, 
There ain't enuf left uv you f er a mince-pie. 

72 



SKYBUGS AND BATTLE. 

Still, this is the penalty one hez to pay 
Fer livin' in times sich ez we hev to day. 

If little Napoleon cud wake frum his sleep, 
And gaze round about, he wud sure learn a heap. 
He thot he knowed sumthin' uv killin' his kind. 
But wuzn't much in it, ez he wud soon find. 
or Hindy er Foch, in a tame modern drive, 
Cud give cards and spades, and still skin 'im alive. 
Where Napy had one way to put out yer light. 
The fellers to day hev a million in sight. 
It's grandly inspirin' to see reckless guys 
Go thunder'n' on hoss-back, and rendin' the skies. 
But that sort uv fightin' is all out uv style — 
The tricks uv to day simply make yer blood bile. 
You're fed pizened gas, er blowed up with a bomb, 
Er drowned like the rats in a flood uv hot scum, 
Er bumpt by a tank, er caved in with a club, 
Er fouled on the wing, er let down by a sub, 
Er sealed in a trench, er stuck thru with a knife — 
Jest enny old way to git rid uv yer life. 
Whatever hez bin 'mounts to little these days, 
When't cums down to murder'n', and findin' new ways. 

The hul world wuz nervous when war first broke loose. 
And 'lowed that the sky wud soon drip with red juice. 
The zep wuz still young, and the plane scasly hatched. 
But each showed a peartness hez seldom bin matched. 
Both sides thot they'd settle the uther one's hash. 
And end the thing quick, with a suddent bold smash. 
The breeze wuz alive with all sorts uv weird sounds, 
And every one gawked ez he went on his rounds. 
'Twuz sumthin' bran new to see fellers on wing 
Kick up clouds uv dust, and reel off with a swing. 

73 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Excitement run high ; f er no one cud quite tell 

Jest where they wud light, if they crumpled and fell. 

They swoopt, and they scoopt, and had lots uv bad wrecks, 

And fumbled, and stumbled, and broke scads uv necks. 

But that counts fer little when war is the game; 

Fer uthers are found, and it moves on the same. 

Each feller wuz tuggin' to work out his schemes. 

And conquer the winds, and give wings to his dreams. 

One kind uv a scooter wuz scasly half tried. 

Till 'long cum anuther and brushed it aside. 

It's build, and rebuild, and keep right on the hop, 

If ever you're hopin' to cum out on top. 

That's how it's bin going' a-most everywhere, 

Till ninety-nine kinds are now battin' the air. 

The Teuton had counted so much on his zeps. 
He thot it ez easy ez fallin' down steps 
To blow up Paree, and the hul British Isles, 
And leave nuthin' there but a mess uv junk-piles. 
So when the thing started, he rigged 'em all out, 
And hustled 'em off with a whoop and a shout, 
Expectin' 'em soon to return f rum their trips 
With joy in their faces, and smiles on their lips. 
Things don't always chance ez we figure and plan — 
Man's wisdom is only the wisdom of man ! 
We think we've done sumthin' allfiredly slick — 
But soon find that uthers are onto our trick. 
So when William's monsters got high in the air. 
They found that John Bull, er the poilu, wuz there. 
They let loose their sparrows and hawks uv all breed. 
And turned 'em on William's great eagles to feed. 
It wuzn't no time till they got at 'em right, 
And soon had 'em worried, and out uv the fight. 

74 



SKYBUGS AND BATTLE. 

They pecked 'em, and billed 'em, and clawed 'em like sin, 
And made it so hot that the gasbags within 
Tuck fire and exploded, and went up in smoke, 
And all that wuz left wuz a mighty grim joke. 

While William's big sausages done lots uv dirt. 
And skeert Johnny Bull till he jumpt thru his shirt. 
The fellers that steered 'em were scase satisfied 
To drop forty miles, and be roasted beside. 
This sort uv air-fightin' wuz doomed to defeat — 
But William wuz slow to cunfess he wuz beat. 

The zep hez a purty slim chance in a fight; 
And, once it's assaulted, is in a sad plight. 
The plane is more nimble, and hez lots uv grit ; 
And when it cums round everybody must git. 
It darts like a swoller, er hangs by its wings, 
And turns summersaults, and does all sorts uv things. 
It makes little diff 'rence, on wave er on shore — 
The thing is amphibious, if not sumthin' more. 
Both airplanes and seaplanes are closely akin — 
Jes' two sep'rate bodies draped out in one skin. 
The eyes uv the army, the eyes uv the fleet — 
To guide in advancin', and guard in retreat. 
It's now hard to reckon how fightin' cud be. 
Without winged creatures on land and on sea. 
You're all in the dark, floppin' round like a bat. 
If sum one ain't spyin' to tell where you're at. 
The plane is blamed useful in these latter days, 
When war's the main bizness, and murder the craze. 

Each side is firm-minded to win in the air. 
And that keeps it sizzlin' a-most everywhere. 
They've fashioned skybugs fer all sorts uv odd jobs — 
Frum sniffin' in star-dust, to haulin' corn-cobs. 

75 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Sum crane round with goggles and spy out the foe, 

Er note where the bullets are lightin' below. 

Sum go forth fer vengence, all sparklin' with ire, 

And pour on weak innocents tons uv hell-fire. 

Once planes were made simple, with nuthin' but wings, 

But now bristle grimly with guns, and sich things. 

It takes lots uv courage, and all kinds uv pluck. 

To fight in the clouds, and ofttimes run amuck. 

But little's the odds when a thing's to be done. 

You'll always find sumbody in fer the fun. 

There's scads uv game fellers with sport in their veins. 

That relish adventure, not countin' its pains. 

Along the hul battle-line, on every front. 

You see countless dare-devils doin' their stunt. 

This fightin' fer kentry, er king, er what-not. 

Puts iron in yer blood, and gives ring to yer shot. 

It may be plain murder, but doubtless a thrill 

Runs thru every ace when he sees a fresh spill. 

Our fathers scase dreamt, in the ages gone by. 
That showers uv blood wud e'er fall frum the sky. 
But, then, we are trav'lin' a purty smart pace — 
And, if it keeps up. Heaven pity the race ! 



CHAPTER XIII. 
END UV THE SECOND ROUND. 

The second grand scrimmage cum quick to a close, 
When winter dropt down with his blizzards and snows. 
Nineteen and Fifteen had sure witnessed a heap ; 
Fer neither the Alleys ner Huns were asleep. 
But, jedgin' by all that hez chanced on the way, 
The Alleys seem worsted a bit in the fray. 
The Bear got a lammin'; the Turkey cum clean — 
While Peter wuz glad to git by with his bean. 
John Bull wuz befuddled; the poilu deprest; 
And Victor and Albert scase knew what wuz best. 

When things are the bluest, is time to begin 
To spit on yer hands and decide you will win. 
The thing to do first is to find what is wrong ; 
Then settle right down to make every link strong. 
The Alleys saw plain that the Hun, with less force, 
Wuz able to land everything in his course. 
Ill luck and misfortune seemed ever their fate — 
Their footsteps were dogged by a damning too late. 
To cure the defects, and to set matters right, 
All felt wuz the basis uv winnin' the fight. 

When campaigns are failures, then cabinets fall — 
And long-winded titles are hitched in the stall. 
Sum sich sort uv fortune, the Alleys, befell; 
While every last giverment saw lots uv hell. 
'Twuz ministers up, and *twuz ministers down — 
A fumble and tumble that shuck every crown. 

77 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

It's mighty blamed easy to manage the sails 
When everything's cam, and there ain't enny gales. 
But when you try steerin' thru simoom and storm, 
You've got a job then that will keep yer blood warm. 
The people will stand fer a lot uv bum pates 
That nearly wreck kingdoms and overthrow states ; 
But once they are ketcht in the thunder and hail. 
They want the chap then that hez never knowed fail. 
The guy that makes good when he's set at a task. 
Is what they demand when they throw off the mask. 

John Bull wuz the first to fall onto the trick ; 
And pooled all his marbles, and done it blamed slick. 
They'd went in together, and made up a slate, 
And 'peared to push politics out uv the state. 
With Asquith a-steerin', they dreamt they wud soon 
Hev William and Joseph high up in the moon. 
It went purty smooth, till a lot uv bad breaks 
Upset all their hopes, and give Johnny the shakes. 
The English are stubborn, and won't always do 
Jest what a fool giverment thinks they ort to. 
They didn't much keer fer the trubble, nohow, 
And that's why it's easy to kick up a row. 

When John called fer help, he thot every last guy 
Wud rush to the circus, jest itchin' to die. 
But when he got started, it went kind o' slow — 
Fer every one sed, "Let the uther dub goJ* 
The glory uv war is fer them that are safe ; 
And that's why the people git restless, and chafe. 
If them that make war were forced into the fight, 
It wudn't take long to set all matters right. 
But things had gone wrong, and sez they at the helm, 
**We've got to cunscript the last man in the realm,'* 

78 



END UV THE SECOND ROUND. 

*'Our rights are invaded r they started to yelp. 
"To hell with yer rights, when yer rulers need help!** 
They spake uv the Charter, and Runnymede, too — 
But all to no purpose — ^the thing must go thru. 

Bold Churchill had flunked, and wise Carson slid out- 
And uther bandanas lay scattered about. 
War sure h'ists a gale that no windmill kin beat, 
To blow out the chaff, and leave only the wheat. 
The fellers that win, are the fellers that stay — 
And if you lose out, you're a mighty cheap jay! 

The doughty Republic wuz next to git wise, 
And set the world waggin', and opened its eyes. 
The French are onstiddy, and ain't balanced well ; 
And fly off the handle, and raise lots uv hell. 
When things started slipping Delcasse tuck the hunch, 
And backed off the stage with his hul shaky bunch. 
Then suave Viviani cum forth with a stride. 
And rounded things up with a great show uv pride. 
This didn't last long — jest a fortnight er so — 
And he wuz elected to pack up and go. 
A real Punch and Judy, first up and then down, 
And sumbody constantly losin' his crown. 
Now Briand is there, with his new-fangled crew. 
Where all hev jined in to help muddle things thru. 
How long he will last, surely none kin foresee — 
But Frenchmen are Frenchmen, betwixt you and me. 
When War pulls the strings, how the manikins fall. 
And pass f rum the scene, and are hung on the wall ! 
Before the thing's over, they'll all git a chance — 
You can't be a Frenchman, without savin* France. 

The Little White Father had trubbles to burn. 
And never cud figure jest which way to turn. 

79 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He'd got sich a spankin' he cudn't set down, 
And et off the mantle to stiddy his crown. 
His bunch uv Grand Failure, and Humbugs, and sich. 
Were trusties, er traitors, he cudn't tell which. 
His throne wuz surrounded with vipers and snakes. 
That give the hul empire the shudders and shakes. 
Jest which one to fire, he cud never quite tell — 
When everything's rotten, it puzzles the smell. 
The lovely Rasputin, Czarina, and all. 
Had backed little Nicky right up in his stall. 
And slung out the reins to the Kaiser and Hun — 
And this wuz the start uv a hul peck uv fun. 

The people are mostly a bunch uv numskulls, 
Dead willin' to foller, and feast on the hulls; 
But once they git wise to the ways uv a king — 
Look out fer the fireworks they're likely to spring. 
The Dumy got bizzy, and ast lots uv Whys? 
This stirred up the natives, and opened their eyes. 
The Grand Realm uv Russia wuz not to be sold, 
Ner flung to the dogs fer a pottage uv gold. 
The Beaurycrats woke, when the rumblin' got loud — 
There's nuthin' they dread like the roar uv the crowd. 
They skulked back to work, and put up a great bluff — 
Time only will tell if that ruse wuz enuf . 

or Joseph and William had done fairly well, 
And every one 'lowed they wud rest fer a spell. 
But when you start warrin', there's no place to stop, 
And all you kin do is to keep on the hop. 
They'd hit mighty hard, and had made a great haul — 
This give 'em a hunch jest to gobble it all. 
The people back home dreamt they f ot in defense — 
A little success scuttles all uv yer sense ! 

80 . : : / i 



END UV THE SECOND ROUND. 

But, once mighty kingdoms fall into yer grip, 
It's no laffin' matter to let the game slip. 
The people mean well, but they don't seem to know 
That monarchs and kings like to make a grand show. 
To ease matters off, and to run a smooth bluff. 
They gaft about peace, and all sorts uv sich stuff. 
It didn't fool nobody, that kind uv talk — 
Fer they were dead sure they wud win in a walk. 
It did move the Alleys to brace up their pins ; 
They all got together, and swore, by their skins. 
They'd never play quits till they cleaned up the Hun — 
And all wud stand pat to the end uv the run. 
When startin' to wade thru a bed uv quicksand. 
You're never quite sure ez to where you will land. 
It's each feller's bizness to run a stiff gag — 
Fer that's the best way to cum off with the swag. 
War's mighty fine physic fer empire er state — 
It cleans out the spickets, and makes 'em flush great. 
The dose hez bin heavy, and each feels the strain. 
But none seems inclined to draw back, er cumplane. 
The Teutons might stop ; but the Alleys say, "Nay; 
The game is still young, and we'll on with the fray" 
A feller ain't licked, while he's able to twist ; 
And thinkin' you're right, puts the punch in yer wrist. 
John Bull's scjrthe is dull, but it cuts a wide swath — 
He serves hash in courses, with plenty uv broth. 
To git uthers fightin', and save his own skin. 
Is always the method John lays out to win. 
He sets on his Islands, secure frum attack. 
And shouts to his nabers to drive the foe back. 
He's ruther successful in gether'n' fresh hands. 
And pays off in cash, jes' cunservin' his lands. 

81 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

This ruse, I'm afeard, will not always pan out — 
The time may yet cum when they'll pummel his snout. 

When winter is on, is the time to do things 
You can't so well do when War's flappin' his wings. 
You fight the home-battles, and keep down the mob. 
And git every sucker strapped tight to his job. 
The best way, uv course, is to make 'em all think 
They're right on the edge uv a terrible brink, 
And if they let go, er make one step amiss, 
The hul thing is lost, and it's down the abyss. 
Kings, rulers, and giverments, all hev their ways 
Uv proddin' their asses, and stillin' their brays. 
To work night and day, and then cash it all in, 
And where you left off' s the new place to begin 
To do it all over, year in and year out, 
And hear nuthin' uther than swagger and shout. 
And pile up a debt that you never kin pay — 
That's jest what the most uv 'em git frum the fray! 
But little's the odds how the people might feel — 
When wind-jammin's ended, it's back to the steel. 

It tuck little foresight to see that the Spring 
Wud fetch blood and thunder astride uv her wing. 
Each one had bin bizzy, both indoors and out, 
Preparin' his fist f er the uther guy's snout. 
John Bull wuz thrice lucky, ez John mostly seems. 
When fishin' f er suckers to round out his dreams. 
The Portugee tumbled — but that wuz cheap stuff; 
Fer Portugal sneezes when England takes snuff. 
It may appear small, but each feller counts one — 
The more is the merrier, so the chords run. 
The Bear'd licked his wounds, and allayed his fierce pain ; 
And now wuz cuntrivin' to cum back again. 

82 



END UV THE SECOND ROUND. 

The poilu and Beige had burnished their steel, 
And waited impatient to make the Hun squeal. 
The Dago kep bobbin' f rum rock to ravine, 
To nettle oV Joseph, and puzzle his bean. 
The Tommy wuz braggin' the things he wud do. 
Along the hul stretch frum Shiek Saad to Watou. 
The Sultan wuz bizzily holdin' his own — 
While watchin' his Harem, and guardin' his throne, 
or Ferd wuz ez keen ez Saint Valentine's geese 
To git at the bunch that wuz settin' on Greece. 
The Heine kep nibblin' along the hul front. 
Jest pavin' the way f er a new-fangled stunt. 
or Francis wuz whettin' his knife on his boot, 
To git Victor's scalp, with a hul lot uv loot. 
Each feller wuz doin' what he thot the best — 
And all wuz astir both in East and in West. 

They all were a- jockey in', try in' fer place — 
But don't bet yer munny on enny hoss-race ! 



83 



CHAPTER XIV. 
ROUNDIN' THE EDGES. 

or Boreas gives to each one a fair chance 
To round out the edges, and plan his advance. 
Good bizness requires, at the end uv each drive, 
You check up yer missin', and see who's alive. 
You've got to take stock, and charge off bad accounts, 
Else gross liability stiddily mounts. 
Git rid uv yer failures, and weed out yer fools — 
You can't do fine work without dressin' yer tools. 
War's sport fer a king, and a ruler's delight — 
It's winter fer frolic, and summer fer fight. 

In East and in West, and around the hul front. 
Each feller wuz doin' his own special stunt. 
The Alleys got sick uv their Gallipoli, 
And kist it good-bye, and made tracks fer the sea. 
Serrail and his bunch were too late fer the fun, 
When Peter got flayed, and et up by the Hun ; 
So, takin' a hunch fer their safety and peace, 
Crawdadded right backward and squatted on Greece. 
This made Tino wriggle, and twist like an eel ; 
Fer he wanted brother'n-law William to feel 
That he wuz ez true ez a traitor wud dare. 
And still keep his scalp and a fringe uv his hair. 
Bold Mackey had finished the job set fer him; 
So, gether'n' his remnants, still chesty and trim. 
He hiked fer the north, where the Bear had awoke, 
And seemed about ready to land a fresh stroke. 

84 



ROUNDIN' THE EDGES. 

The Bulgar set down on the skull uv the Serb, 

And stuft his cob-pipe with the soul-soothin' herb, 

And wundered how all uv this murder and hell 

Cud ever make common folks happy and well. 

But, 'spite uv his feelings, his duty wuz plain — 

To head off the foe, and not let him make gain. 

or Franz, wreathed in smiles, waddled on thru the mud. 

And cuvered Albania with wreckage and blood. 

He'd bagged Peter's pelt, and oV Nicky's top-knot. 

And now wuz dead willin' to die on the spot. 

He pushed right ahead till he met Victor's boys — 

This put a quick stop to his bluster and noise. 

Way out on the Tigris, things kep loomin' up. 
Like fog on the mountain, er foam in a cup. 
John Bull and the Sultan had met on the sand. 
And kicked up a dust overshaddered the land. 
Sir Nixon had sent gallant Townshend ahead 
To smite ancient boneyards, and wake up the dead. 
The Garden uv Eden, with all its rare fruit. 
He swore he wud snatch frum the Devil, and Teut. 
He never once dreamt that right here Adam fell, 
O'ercome by the same irresistible spell. 
The apple that lured him, and tugged at his belt, 
Wuz Bagdad the Splendid, where Islam once dwelt. 
Mirage uv the Desert — ^that tempted his eye ! 
To grab it f er Johnny, he'd make a bold try. 

His loins girded up with the courage uv might, 
He waded right in to the midst uv the fight. 
He pushed up the river, tuck all in his path ; 
And nuthin' cud stand in the way uv his wrath. 
He landed on Kut with a terrible blow — 
The Moslem turned tail, not a ghost uv a show. 

85 



PARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

On, on in pursuit toward the ultimate goal, 
With pride in his heart and great joy in his soul. 
He cum up to Ctesiphon — only too true — 
The mosques and the minarets rose in full view. 
Jest one furder step, and the glory wuz won — 
The star uv the Empire wud glow ez the sun ! 

But sumthin' here happened that turned things about, 
And upset the plans he had grandly laid out. 
The Turk had got wise, and wuz there in full force. 
And that wuz the pebble that changed his hul course. 
Tho greatly outnumbered, he made a bold stand — 
And died like the flies on the hot desert sand! 
Not keerin' to wait f er a second attack. 
He picked up his wounded and hustled 'em back. 
The will-o'-wisp had eluded his grasp — 
This grated his soul like the files uv a rasp. 
Prest hard by the foe, he fell backward to Kut — 
He might hev passed on, but he stopt like a mutt. 
It wuzn't no time till they had him hemmed in — 
And that's how it cums that he lost his blamed skin. 

When John found him holed, he dispatched a relief — 
But that wuz a fizzle, and soon cum to grief. 
It's no use to fight when you're ketcht in a trap — 
The fellers outside hev a blamed easy snap. 
They tried to revict'al by planes, and sich things — 
You can't feed an army and fetch it on wings. 
They rushed up a ship to relieve the distress — 
It stuck in the mud, and so there is yer mess ! 
The game wuz all over, and what wuz the use? 
Ez well to be shot, ez to starve like a goose. 
They blowed up their guns, and the Turk led 'em out — 
And Johnny had got a fresh biff in the snout ! 

86 



ROUNDIN' THE EDGES. 

While this wuz transpiring the Bear had arose 
And thrust out his paw thru the Caucasian snows, 
Preparin' to even things up with the Turk 
Fer all uv his crimes, and his onholy work. 
Mohammed will hev a hard time, he will find, 
Defendin' the Turk in the court uv mankind. 
His heart is ez soft ez the heart uv a flint. 
And all uv his mercy wuz long ago spent. 
The soul uv Armenia he loveth so well — 
To keep it f rum sinnin', he'd send it to hell ! 
But killin' retail is too slow fer the Kurd — 
It's massacre wholesale, and finish the herd. 
The ways he hez fashioned to put 'em to sleep 
Wud make Satan blush, and ol' Cerberus weep. 
The crime uv the Christian is — hein^ alive! 
It's only the dead ones that 'pearantly thrive 
Beneath the mild sway uv the Musselman yoke — 
Where livin's a lux'ry, and murder a joke. 

The Czar is a Christian, if only in name. 
And cudn't look camly on all uv this shame. 
He called the Grand Duke — lately famed fer retreat — 
And told him to go, with snow-shoes on his feet. 
And glide o'er the mountains, and muzzle the Turk, 
And put a quick stop to his damnable work. 
It wuzn't no time till the Grand Duke wuz there — 
With frost on his whiskers, and ice in his hair. 
He tuck hold uv things, like the giant he wuz. 
And soon every wheel wuz beginnin' to buzz. 
Before the Turk knowed it, he'd landed a blow 
That fell on his head like a mountain uv snow. 
Anuther bold stroke, and Erzerum wuz canned — 
With countless Turks dead, and a host in his hand. 

87 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

This made Islam tremble ; the Sultan looked glum ; 
The vengence uv Heaven had *pearantly cum. 

Not waitin' f er breakfast, he thundered ahead, 
Till Ararat shuck, and upset Noey's bed. 
He struck to the right, and he struck to the left, 
And struck strait in front with a terrible heft. 
He smote the Euxine, and great Trebisond fell — 
This laid on the Empire a tremulous spell. 
Cullectin' his forces, he made a grand push 
That rounded up Bitlis, and gethered in Moush. 
The hul uv Armenia wuz safe in his grip — 
The Turkey wuz addled, and started to slip. 
To keep him a-goin* wuz what he wished most. 
And bump him and thump him f rum pillar to post. 
He flung out his line o'er the lands uv the Shah, 
And dashed right ahead with a whoop and hurrah. 
To link up with Johnny, and gobble Bagdad — 
This wuz the grand vision that all uv *em had. 
Kermanshah wuz lassoed, and Khanikin, too — 
But Johnny fell down, and the thing went k*boo ! 

The Grand Duke stood pat, and held Persia in line; 
While matters up northward were pannin' out fine. 
What's likely to f oiler is hard to foresee — 
But Nick hez the Turkey right up in a tree. 

The noble Grand Duke had cum back with a punch — 
And now wuz the biggest razzoo uv the bunch. 

Around the outedges the thing seemed a draw. 
And neither cud git frum the uther's iron claw. 
I venture that nobody wins in the East — 
It's out f urder West where you'll see the grand feast. 
The weak may go down, but the strong will stand fast ; 
And there's where they'll battle and bleed to the last. 

88 



ROUNDIN' THE EDGES. 

John Bull wud make hash uv the trubblesome Dutch— 
The Hun's love f er Johnny ain't enny too much. 
It's far closer home than the rivers uv Ind 
That John and the Kaiser will fight, and defend. 
The soil uv the Frenchman is likely to see 
The struggle will set all humanity free. 

So, leavin' the East, I will turn to the West — 
And show you sum things that may stick to yer vest. 



89 



CHAPTER XV. 
RUNNIN^ AMUCK. 

Frum Cheeseland to Channel, the hul winter thru, 
The thing had kep cam, with but little to do. 
Each feller seemed waitin', and holdin' his breath. 
Till Spring shud return with her freshets uv Death. 
Both sides felt their oats, and were both in fine trim — 
or Boreas edged 'em and filled *em with vim. 
The Kaiser wuz feelin' his keepin' the most; 
To tell you the truth, he had sum room to boast, 
Fer where he had went he had cum off the field 
With all uv the laurels proud Victory cud yield. 
John Bull had got wise, and had stole William's plan, 
And now wuz out fishin* to ketch the last man. 
The pill wuz dum bitter ; but, then, it went down — 
'Twuz this, er a fizzle and off with his crown. 
The Beige had visions uv Brussels and home, 
And longed to kneel down 'neath the cross-shaddered dome. 
The poilu wuz wedded till death to his trench — 
To do less than die, wud be less than good French. 
What fate had in store, surely none cud foretell ; 
But each wuz resigned to whatever befell. 

The Kaiser had won fer hizself a great name. 
And felt fairly sure uv his ultimate fame. 
Not keerin' to make all the glory his own. 
He throwed out the reins to the heir to the throne. 
The Crown Prince wuz itchin' to carve out a place, 
Wud make him the foremost uv all uv his race. 

90 



RUNNIN' AMUCK. 

So, takin' his cue frum his ancestral kin, 
Strode forth, a colossus, the hul world to win. 
He had at his back an invincible host — 
A stern German God, and a grim Holy Ghost! 
The superman strong, with a will ondefied, 
Wud conquer the planet, and rule it beside. 

It wuzn't no joke; fer ere Spring had arrived. 
He had the thing loaded and grandly cuntrived. 
Before 'twuz suspected, he'd let loose a flood 
Wuz destined to swell into oceans uv blood. 
He struck at Verdun^ with the might uv a Thor, 
And knowed, if it fell, 'twuz the end uv the war. 
The battles uv giants, and demigods, past 
Shrink into mere pygmies, cumpared to this last. 
The weight uv an empire wuz flung in the scale. 
And this wuz the battle that mustn't know fail. 
The crown uv his fathers wud blaze ez the sun, 
If his mighty sword cud but onknot Verdun. 

He went at it fiercely, and made the earth roll. 
And crumpled the hills, and went strait fer his goal. 
He stacked up his guns, till their thunder and roar 
Shuck heirs shaggy bases, onhingin* each door. 
When everything 'peared to be right at the peak, 
He doubled, redoubled, then let 'em all speak, 
Till nuthin' seemed left uv the onhappy foe 
But blots on the ground, and blue specks in the snow. 
When all his big dachshunds had barked themselves hoarse, 
He flung a few millions uv Huns in their course, 
Expectin' to swoller the poilus like eels, 
Not mindin' their wrigglin', er heedin' their squeals. 
If Hell had heaved up, and the Heavens dropt down. 
And all had mixed in, with cunfusion aroun', 

91 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

It cudn't hev equaled the shudder and smash 
That fell on the foe at the first onward dash. 

The poilu woke up when he scented the Hun, 
And swore that no Heine cud scuttle Verdun. 
He gritted his teeth, and his jaw firmly set, 
And told the Crown Prince that he wuzn't there yet. 
The thing had cummenced, but no mortal alive 
Cud say how 'twud finish, er who wud survive. 

He smote the apex uv the hul Western front, 
And caved the thing in ; and sure that wuz sum stunt. 
When once he got goin' he pushed strait ahead. 
And stumbled right on over mountains uv dead. 
Till Haumont, and Beaumont, and uther monts, fell, 
And buried the Frenchman in wreckage and hell. 
It wuzn't all roses ; f er soon he found out 
The doughty poilu had him right by the snout. 
And wudn't let go till he'd give him a punch 
That doubled and twisted him all in a bunch. 
He picked hizself up, and he started again — 
But run his nose square in the guns uv Petain. 
The sassy machines, and gay seventy-fives, 
Piled Huns upon Huns, thick ez bees in their hives. 
The Prince is no quitter, but game to the core ; 
He slammed in the breaches sum nine millions more, 
And vowed not to stop till he landed on Vaux — 
Fer there's where he'd started, and there he wud go. 
Both Louv'mont and Haudromont fell on the way, 
And Douaumont trembled and rocked in the fray ; 
But, 'fore he reached goal, he wuz all out uv breath, 
And stood face to face with the poilu and Death. 
He pulled out the pieces that warn't shot thru. 
And set down to wait fer a chance to renew. 

92 



RUNNIN' AMUCK. 

Not findin' the road he had chosen quite safe, 
Fair Willie got nettled, and started to chafe. 
He searched all about f er anuther way in — 
Wud leave him his mustache and strips uv his skin. 
He edged round the hills tow'rd the highway f rum Metz, 
And there staked his munny and laid all his bets. 
He thot he'd ketch Frenchy asleep at the switch ; 
And, 'fore he cud wake, land him plumb in the ditch. 
So, gether'n' afresh his onthinkable Hun, 
Once more started strait f er the gates uv Verdun. 
He dashed and he smashed, shakin' mountain and dale, 
And tore up the earth with his thunder and hail. 
Frum Fresnes to Dieppe, frum Etain to Blanzee, 
He littered the ground with his blood-spattered gray. 
The harder he hammered, the hotter it got — 
Petain wuz right there with his blizzards uv shot. 
The holes he had punched were ez quickly closed up — 
And that put an end to the mouthin's uv Krupp. 
Once more he wuz thwarted ; once more, in a rage, 
He foamed at the mouth like a beast in his cage. 
Verdun wuz still safe, and the poilu stood firm. 
And all that His Highness cud do wuz to squirm. 

''The third time's the charm,** so he thot to hizself — 
'Til soon hev it bagged, and laid tip on the shelf," 
Not waitin' to shave, er to clean off his shoes. 
He flung forty millions right down on the Meuse, 
And started to push up the banks uv the stream, 
Expectin' to harvest the fruits uv his dream. 
Frum Montfaucon Heights, all the Berthas let go. 
And melted the ridges, and burnt up the snow. 
And trimmed every tree frum Brabant to Hautcourt — 
Then stuck out their tongues still a-pantin* fer more. 

93 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The poilu laid low 'mid the hurricane's blast. 
And never looked up till the cyclone had passed. 
He set in his trenches a-whettin' his sword. 
And gittin' things ready fer Willie's gray horde. 
They didn't wait long, till right there they all came — 
To die with their boots on to save Willie's fame! 
If ever men dared, and if ever men died. 
They done it right here with a feelin' uv pride. 
'Twuz blade agin blade, and 'twuz steel agin steel. 
The strength uv despair against tyranny's heel. 
They raged around Forges, and surged up Mort Homme— 
The faster they'd fall, seemed the faster they'd cum. 
Wave rolled upon wave, like the tides uv the sea, 
And then they'd sink backward, all ceasin' to be. 
The Prince had done nobly — in mangled and dead! 
When that is once spoken, it's mostly all sed. 
The poilu still blocked every road to Verdun — 
And Willie had witnessed sum mighty grim fun. 
But still, nuthin' daunted, he'd bull it right thru, 
And make good the boast, ''What the Dutch dare, they do J 
Cullectin' his remnants — and sum millions more — 
He started again to smash in the front door. 
"The near way's the best way/' so argued the Hun — 
Thru Yaux to Souville, and on strait to Verdun. 
To capture the fortress, he'd risk his own soul ; 
So, forth the gray billows proceeded to roll. 
With shrapnel and shell, gas, and liquid hell-fire. 
He rubbed up the foe, and reburnished his ire. 
The rage uv the poilu had reached a white heat — 
or Sol in his prime never witnessed its beat. 
He grappled the Boche, and swore, by his wrath. 
He'd never git by while he stood in his path. 

94 



RUNNIN' AMUCK. 

On hillside and mountain, in wood and ravine, 

The likes uv the slaughter hez never bin seen. 

They f ot in dark caves by the glare uv their eyes, 

And murder on murder, piled up to the skies. 

If Fort Vaux cud speak, what a harrowin' tale 

Her cold, stony lips wud but blush to onveil. 

Once more the gray billows sank down in their blood — 

And Willie had Noey outstript f er a flood ! 

A feller's a mutt that don't know when he's licked. 
And ort to be horse-whipt, er hev his pants kicked. 
But Willie's the sort that knows more than their pas — 
And that's why Dutch yungsters must look to their mas. 
The fool-killer's blind, er hez lost all his sense ; 
Er, long ago, Willie had ceased to be Prince. 
But what kin you do when you're tied to a post? 
Jes' die when yer turn cums, and give up the ghost ! 
While peoples are cattle, jes' take it frum me, 
There'll always be butchers — wud set the world free ! 

I might keep on tellin', till blue in the face, 
Uv all uv the horrors that hanted the place. 
But why squander time when it don't do no good? 
The more the Prince rushed 'em, the firmer they stood. 
Frum day unto day, and week in and week out. 
The same gory slaughter, the same frenzied shout. 
Frum Mort Homme to Vaux, and then back to Mort Homme — 
The faster they fixed 'em, the faster they'd cum. 
It seemed that the sources wud never run dry — 
But, 'spite uv the volume, it didn't flow by! 

The Kaiser got nervous — and Falkenhayn, too — 
And neither cud fully decide what to do. 
To let the thing fail seemed a blow at the crown ; 
But keepin' it goin' might bring 'em all down. 

95 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Twuz like pullin' teeth, to cunf ess he wuz foiled — 

But, countin' his marbles, he slowly recoiled. 

The thing wuz a fizzle, ez all must admit. 

And Willie proved only a royal misfit. 

It may hev bin folly, er hellish bad luck — 

But all the world knows the Crown Prince run amuck ! 

The poilu wuz happy, and wore a grim smile. 
When Willie flunked out, with his dead by the mile ! 
We take off our hats to the brave boys uv France — 
The Nation may sink, but their fame will advance. 
The barbarous hordes, frum beyond the great Rhine, 
Were forced to admit they were trimmed fancy-fine. 

To git Willie's goat, and hev bushels uv fun. 
Jest ask him: *^How long is the road to Verdun?*' 

The Kaiser wuz addled, and 'peared purty glum — 
He cudn't quite tell what wuz likely to cum. 
He failed to git France ; so he'd lay f er the Bear — 
Before hastin' thither, I'll venture elsewhere. 



96 



CHAPTER XVI. 
WHEN VICTOR GOT GAY. 

Emmanuel had bin in the muss quite awhile, 
And 'peared a bit larky, and wore a gay smile. 
He'd had his own way in a-most everything. 
And plucked lots uv feathers frum Joseph's sore wing. 
He hadn't jined in with the rest ez he shud, 
But played a lone hand, fer his own selfish good. 
The Alleys got mift when he stayed William's friend, 
And wuzn't dead sure how the side-show wud end. 
You can't play two fiddles with only one bow — 
The one er the uther you've got to let go. 
But Victor thot he cud git by with his game, 
And let the big circus move on jest the same. 
He hadn't much use fer the Serb, er the Slav — 
The marbles he wanted, they also wud have. 
or Hapsburg hizself wuz the lad he wud fleece; 
When that job wuz finished, he'd hev lastin' peace. 
So leavin' all uthers meander their way, 
He worked at the vein he felt surest wud pay. 
To land Joseph's goat, with Trentino and Trieste, 
Wuz all that he needed fer one royal feast. 

The ball had bin rollin', now, almost a year ; 
And how things were pannin', I'll strive to make clear. 

When Victor sed ''Sic!" — ol' Cadorny wuz there — 
With braid on his shoulders, and lard in his hair. 
He had tons uv rage stored away in his soul. 
To pour on ol' Franz, when he launched at his goal. 

97 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Dago wuz spilin' to git in the fight, 
And dreamt ''Irredenta" wuz merely his right. 
The Aust must now pay fer his sins uv the past — 
And "I fly Redeemed'* stand triumphant at last! 

Frum Stelvio far to the sandy-rimmed shore, 
They made a grand rush, with a whoop and a roar. 
Around the hul circuit, frum snow-mantled peaks, 
They fell on the foe, never mindin' his squeaks. 
Frum summit to summit, the hul blasted line. 
They punched full uv holes, trimmin' Joseph up fine. 

The wiry Alpini dumb high in the air, 
And slung up their guns with the strength uv despair. 
They shuck loose the mountains and rocks frum their beds. 
And rolled 'em right down on their enemies' heads. 
They scaled mighty Ortler, and Adamello ; 
Then strapt on their skis and went strait fer the foe. 
Not heedin' the shammys, er long-whiskered goats. 
They smashed lots uv noggin's, and cut scads uv throats. 
Round ancient Lake Garda, they struggled and strove, 
And hurled the Tyrolean back to his cove. 
They dashed up Saguna, and headed fer Trent, 
And never tuck breath till their swords were all bent. 
While throttlin' Cortina, they grabbed Ospitale, 
And stacked up their corpses in mountain and val. 
Frum lofty Cadore, like an eagle enraged. 
They swoopt on their foes, and soon had 'em all caged. 
Along the hul stretch uv the high Carnic Alps, 
They rustled the Austrian, and bagged lots uv scalps. 
Right down the Isonzo they went with a scoop. 
And gethered in flocks uv fresh chicks fer their coop. 
It seemed to the Aust, when he raked up his dead. 
That hills uv damnation had dropt on his head. 

98 



WHEN VICTOR GOT GAY. 

> 

or Franz had gone gunnin* f er much bigger game, 
And 'lowed Victor's side-show wud seem a bit tame. 
But, bein' cat-cautious, and not folly-wise. 
He'd left ample guard against slip er surprize. 
or foxes are wily, and seldom git caught — 
And Joseph had used jest a grain uv forethot. 
He'd made every cliff, every rock and ravine, 
A cammyflaged fortress that cudn't be seen. 
And filled it right up to the throat brimmin' full 
With guns uv all caliber, ready to pull. 
So when Victor's Alpis cum plungin' ahead. 
They fumbled and stumbled, and rolled over dead. 
It ain't no boys' play, routin' wolves f rum their dens. 
And fellers that try it of ttimes lose their skins. 
But, 'spite uv bad luck, er reverse, er mishap, 
The Alpis kep movin' with ginger and snap. 
They crimsoned the snows uv the Alps with their blood. 
And dashed on their foes like a wild mountain flood. 
In ghostly-white garb, they patrolled the vast heights, 
And out-winged the buzzards in makin' their flights. 
They battled 'mid crags where the bald eagle soars, 
And wild shammys leap when the cataract roars. 
To fight f er yer kentry 'mid terrors so grand. 
Makes Fear seem a weaklin', and Death a cummand! 

The first suddent splurge showed Emmanuel and Franz 
How both uv 'em stood, and where best to advance. 
But Joseph wuz out on the trail uv the Bear, 
And wuzn't quite ready to pull Victor's hair. 
This give ol' Cadorny a fine chance to whet. 
And search out the squats where the bunnies all set. 
He looked the ground over, and thot it wuz best 
To plug up the holes round the rocks uv the West, 

99 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

And haul his big guns to the door uv the East, 
And there bag his game, and spread out the grand feast. 
The way he had planned it, the thing wuz a snap ; 
And soon he'd hev Joseph, cuffs, collar, and cap. 
He'd fly o'er the mountains, and drop like a plague 
Right down on Vianny, and then start f er Prague. 
He'd hev the Grand Brigand sewed up in a sack, 
And all uv his plunder he'd hev to turn back. 
To make him disgorge wuz the one holy cry — 
Fer this, every Dago wuz itchin' to die. 

So, takin' advantage uv things ez they stood. 
He started out boldly to make his dreams good. 
The might uv a kingdom he'd heaped in one stack, 
And now begun hurlin' without lookin' back. 
Across the Isonzo he dashed with a rage. 
And wrote in his scrap-book the first bloody page. 
He poured on proud Goritz the vials uv his wrath ; 
While rivers and rocks seemed to melt in his path. 
He tore up the granite that sheltered the foe, 
And scattered the fragments like flurries uv snow. 
He shuck every mountain that stood in his way, 
Frum lofty Malborgeth to Monf alcone. 
The Austrians trembled, and rushed fer their caves, 
And barred all the doors frum ground-floor up to naves. 
They thot that the Dragon that heaved up the Alps 
Had let the hul mess uv it fall on their scalps. 
But Victor found out, when the concert wuz o'er. 
That Franz wuz there ready to play the encore. 

Thruout the hul summer, and autumn, and spring, 
Cadomy kep thrummin' the same raucous string. 
He flung out the music in various strains, 
Till Joseph's ears tingled with sharp, shootin' pains. 

100 



• WHEN VICTOR GOT GAY. 

He stood it ez long ez his patience wud bear, 

And then started plottin' to trim Victor's hair. 

He snoopt all around, and peeped thru every crack, 

To find a good op'nin* to make his attack. 

He went mighty quiet, and kep the thing smug, 

And walked jest ez still ez a cat on a rug. 

He didn't want Victor to know he wuz near, 

Till all wuz made ready f er him to appear. 

At last he diskivered a place where he thot 

He'd slip up behind him and wudn't git caught. 

He'd found, f urder East, that there wuzn't no vent ; 

And so, he decided to launch out frum Trent. 

He'd shoot thru the passes, and roll down the streams. 

And wake Victor up frum his long winter dreams. 

He'd fall upon Venice, then hike strait fer Rome, 

And croak every Dago, er skite him off home. 

To make the thing certain, and not a mere boast. 

He'd gethered about him an onsorted host. 

And stacked up his guns till the Alps seemed to groan — 

And got 'em all loaded to bag Victor's throne. 

How Joseph loves 'Manuel, words scasly kin tell, 
And, set down in writin', don't look very well — 
A cut-throat, a villain, a puke-lappin' fist, 
A trait'rous Iscariot wud stab Jesus Christ, 
A porch-climbin' thug, with stiletto in hand, 
Wud slay sleepin' orphans, and lug off their land. 
This mild, saintly f eelin' that Joseph possest 
Kep chunin' his rage up, and flamin' his breast. 
When all cocked and primed to onlimber his wrath. 
It seemed hell itself cudn't stand in his path. 
With one burst uv fury, his flashers let go. 
And shuck down the mountains, and burnt up the snow, 

101 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

And busted the ear-drums uv half uv the Alps, 
And made Victor's shammys skidoo f er their scalps. 

When once he got goin', he pushed strait ahead, 
And lunged thru the passes, o'er haystacks uv dead, 
And landed on Baldo, and Priaf ora, 
And bagged thirty thousand the very first day. 
Right down Lagarina, he rushed f er the plain. 
And left in his path ninety acres uv slain ; 
And never once stopt, er give Victor a stand. 
Till all the lost plunder wuz back in his hand. 
He'd fell like an avalanche frum a high peak. 
And stunned 'em all so that nobody cud speak. 
It seemed he had 'Manuel up on the last cliff — 
And every one watched fer the finishin' biff. 

But Victor woke up when he saw what wuz done, 
And sent fer Cadorny to cum on the run. 
Things looked mighty scaly, to one up a stump. 
And if they got righted sumbody must hump. 
The Dagoes cum rushin', frum swamp and stonepile. 
With pitchforks, and pokers, and arms uv all style. 
And jumped in the breach where the foe had broke thru, 
And never ast nobody what they shud do. 
But simply hung on like a pup at a root, 
And swore not an inch wud they yield to the Brute, 
They battled ten days, never stoppin' to eat. 
And both 'lowed the uther wuz doomed to defeat. 
But when they got thru, seemed the thing wuz a draw, 
With each firmly gript in the uther' s iron claw. 

It might hev bin diff 'rent, but Joseph got word 
The Bear had crawled out with a f resh-gethered herd. 
And threatened to set all his corn-fields afire. 
And burn up his realm with onquenchable ire. 

102 



WHEN VICTOR GOT GAY. 

So, takin* a batch uv his long-winded dubs, 
He hiked o'er the mountains to head off the cubs. 
This give the tired Dago a chance to take breath, 
And git a fresh hold in the rassle with Death. 
But Victor had learnt, 'fore he got thru the fray, 
It don't pay to monkey, er try to git gay. 

This first little jar set the kingdom aflame. 
And menny fine fellers give up a good name. 
The Cabinet fell, and Salandry went down — 
While 'Manuel had shivers clear up to his crown. 

I'll not f urder dwell on the loss, er the gain — 
But turn my attention to Ferd uv Roumaine. 



103 



CHAPTER XVII. 
LURED TO THE SHAMBLES. 

The Alleys had planned mighty things f er Sixteen — 
And so had the Teutons, ez you've in part seen. 
But William got hooks when he struck at Verdun ; 
And Victor give Joseph full worth f er his mun. 
The scene hez now shifted up toward the north-east ; 
And there we shall tarry a spell, at the least. 

The Bear had cum back, and wuz frisk f er the fray — 
You can't keep a good feller down, so they say. 
His eye wuz still fixed on the star uv Stamboul — 
And so wuz the Kaiser's, and he is no fool ! 
A way to git next to the swag you've laid for, 
Is all that there is to this hul 'f ernal war. 
The Alleys had purposed to draw an iron ring 
Close round the Hun's neck, and then jest let 'im swing. 
To do the job nifty, they'd lop off the Turk, 
And leave him outside uv the principal work. 
They'd link up Saloniki with the Black Sea, 
And that wud put matters right where they shud be. 
This grand feat accomplished, one turn uv the wrist 
Wud bring down the clamp that wud make William twist. 
The lone stumblin'-block that still lay in their path 
Wuz Ferd uv Roumaine, who stuck tight to the lath. 
To git him pried loose wuz the thing to do now, 
And not let him drop into William's pow-wow. 
Both sides pulled the ropes till they blistered their hands, 
A-tryin' to see which cud scoop Ferdy's lands. 

104 



LURED TO THE SHAMBLES. 

The struggle raged fiercely, inside uv the gate, 
And how the thing chanced, I will strive to relate. 

01* Ferdy's no piker, and played a fair game ; 
But kep a few cards up his sleeve — jest the same! 
He knowed what he wanted, and so did the rest ; 
But jest how to git it's what trubbled his breast. 
He'd copt a nice slice but a short while before, 
And scasly had ventured outside uv his door. 
And now he wuz schemin' to work the same gag. 
And pull a stiff bluff, and cum off with the swag. 
To land Transylvany, and Bessarab, too. 
And still stay at home, and hev nuthin* to do 
But smoke his cob-pipe, and shoo flies off his crown, 
Wud give him great prestige and worlds uv renown. 
When uthers are fightin' and most need yer help. 
Is jest the right moment to harvest yer kelp. 
Roumaine's aspirations, we all must cunfess, 
Wud satisfy jestice, and hamper distress. 
But workin' both ends 'gainst the middle won't pan ; 
And that's where king Ferdinand's trubbles began. 
He tried to stay noodral, and still bag the loot ; 
And that's how he finally got William's boot. 

The Teutons were low on their rations uv bread. 
And needed what things Ferd had stored in his shed. 
His maize and benzine, his eggs, barley, and oats, 
Wud ease scads uv stomachs, and grease lots uv throats. 
The Alleys, uv course, pushed their starvation scheme, 
And strove to crosscut William's full-bellied dream. 
They hustled right out, and bot up the last scrap 
Roumany produced on her hul blasted map. 
This made the Teuts sore, and they started to bluff. 
And let loose sum threats, and went at it blamed ruff. 

105 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They almost were ready to send Ferdy word 
To cum in with them, er else risk his hul herd. 
But lookin' out over king Joseph's fair plain, 
He sed: "Transylvany's a part uv Roumaine! 
If this you restore, I will cum in with you; 
If not, you kin go where the blazes burn blue." 

This tickled the Alleys; fer they at once saw 
That William's hul harvest had turned into straw. 
So, takin' the bull by the horns, they agreed 
To give Ferdy all uv the help he wud need 
To git back the jewel that dazzled his eye — 
And throw Bessarabia into the pie — 
And round out his kingdom, and broaden his fame, 
And give to Roumany a glorious name. 
The bait wuz too temptin', and so Ferdy fell — 
And this wuz the start uv a long streak uv hell. 
One more foolish fledglin' had flopt frum the nest. 
And how it will fare. Time alone kin tell best. 

This push frum Roumaine give the Alleys a hunch, 
And stifft up the backs uv the hul saggin' bunch. 
Emmanuel had finally sent William word 
He'd give him the shake, and embraced the new herd. 
The wily Entente had now circled their fox. 
And soon they wud hev him shet tight in a box. 
or Ferd had oft swore, by the striff uv his skin. 
He never wud plunge till he knowed who wud win. 
Most people now felt that the Teutons had lost. 
And 'lowed that the Centrals had got their wires crost. 
It looked mighty scaly fer Bulgar and Hun, 
And all the world waited to welcome the fun. 

The Dutch seem to know, if you're ketcht in a plight. 
The only way out is to git down and fight. 

106 



LUEED TO THE SHAMBLES. 

When diplomats fumble, it's then f er the sword — 
The strait road's the best to the sugar'n the goard. 
If coaxin', and wheedlin', and blufRn', won't do, 
Jes' straddle yer cannon and ride it right thru. 
If tricks and chican'ry don't git you nowhere — 
There's nuthin' like powder to clear up the air. 
The Centrals, no doubt, felt sum inklin's uv fear ; 
But nuthin' wuz left save tc buck the hul smear. 
The Alleys, uv course, thot their race wuz a walk — 
And all they need do wuz to set back and talk, 
or Ferdinand's sword had o'erbalanced the scale — 
And what wuz there to it but watch the Huns fail ? 

With things shapin' thus, they each started right out 
To see which cud first bang the uther one's snout. 
or Ferd wuz in trim, and well groomed fer the fray, 
And had all his sacks stuf t with powder and hay. 
His swords were a-flashin', his bayonets bright, 
His lorig-toms were prancin' to git in the fight. 
Each Roumy wuz ready, jes' waitin' the "Go!'' — 
To leap o'er the mountains and eat up the foe. 
It wuzn't no time till they heerd the cummand, 
And forward rushed, shoutin', with saber in hand. 

They smashed every gate frum the Danube to Pruth, 
And fell on the Magyar with fierceness and ruth. 
The time had now cum to avenge the long past. 
And even things up with the Hunky at last. 
They pounced on Orsovy, and slammed the Iron Gate— 
And that wuz sum blow fer ol' Joseph's bald pate. 
They surged thru the passes, and gobbled Kronstadt, 
And made the Hunks flee like a flamin' wildcat. 
In every dark cove up the hul mountain-range. 
They rifled their pockets, and tuck all their change. 

107 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They rustled 'em, tussled 'em, made 'em all git, 
Till half Transylvany wuz safe in their mitt. 
They thot the fight over, and everything won. 
And nuthin' wuz left but the feastin' and fun. 

But war is a game where you never kin tell — 
You may think you're winnin', and everything's well ; 
But 'fore you kin say it, you're deep in a hole. 
To git yerself out you wud forfeit yer soul, 
or Ferdy fergot, when he pushed to the West, 
And put all his eggs in one settin'-hen's nest. 
He'd left the back-yard with the gate open wide, 
Where enny thief prowlin' cud saunter inside. 
He reckoned Serrail held the Bulgar and Turk ; 
And thot that the Bear wud soon git in his work. 
And fence off Dobrudja, then strike fer the Horn, 
And cut William off frum his punkins and corn. 
Things don't always pan ez we figure they shud. 
And often our schemes work to uther folks' good. 
It seemed so to chance, frum the way it turned out— 
Fer Ferdy, not Joseph, got punched in the snout. 

or Mackey's a daisy ! He jes' sets around. 
And never talks shop, er makes enny loud sound ; 
But when the fruit's ripe, he hops right up the tree. 
And shakes it all down with a school-boyish glee. 
Not speakin' a word to ol' Ferd, er the Bear, 
He'd gethered sum Bulgars and Turks frum nowhere. 
And when all the Roumies had passed o'er the hills. 
He started right in puttin' on a few thrills. 
He smote the Dobrudja, frum Danube to sea — 
Then Ferdy woke up, wunder'n' what it cud be. 
He found, to his horror, that Mackey had cum. 
With Islam and Coburger beatin' the drum, 

108 



LURED TO THE SHAMBLES. 

Determined to snatch all the ill-gotten gains 
Roumany had filched thru onlimited pains. 
First, Turtukan fell ; and Silistria cum next ; 
And then loyal Dobric wuz double Dutch-hexed. 
Right on to Constanza he went with a rush — 
By that, the bold Bear had crawled out uv the brush, 
And leapt o'er the Delta, and headed down south, 
With blood in his eye and hot foam in his mouth. 
He got there in time to save Railway and Bridge, 
And give Ferd a chance to draw back o'er the ridge. 

While Mackey had smote him 'twixt shoulder and hip, 
or Falkenhayn cum, with an oath on his lip. 
Red-hot f rum the drop-down he'd got at Verdun, 
And swore not to sleep till fresh laurels were won. 
His soul spoutin' vengence, and hate in his heart. 
It didn't take long till he got a fair start. 
He hit Ferdy's bunch that lay round Hermanstadt, 
And knocked the hul bizness into a cocked-hat. 
Anuther blow landed slap-dab on his ear. 
And staggered him sidewise, and crumpled his spear. 
They grappled, and tussled three days on the grass. 
And rolled over Kronstadt, and up to the Pass. 
Still on f urder out in the Carpathian Alps, 
They busted one 'nuther, and bloodied their scalps. 
They f ot at Orsovy, and round the Red Tower, 
Till Ferdy seemed f aggin', and losin' his power. 
At last he got trembly, and shouted aloud ; 
And screamed f er the Alleys to fetch on their crowd. 
Lest he shud fall foul uv the same dastard trick 
That scotched little Albert, and Peter, and Nick. 

The Alleys were flustered around the hul front, 
And each started in to pull off his own stunt. 

109 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

John Bull and the poilu got up lightnin' speed ; 
While Victor put spurs to his slow, poky steed, 
And urged him right on up the steep mountain-side, 
To paralyze Joseph and puncture his hide. 
Serrail and his Frenchies got high on their ear, 
And hiked up the Vardar and banged Monastir. 
The Dago and Tommy throwed spasms and fits ; 
And dashed against Seres, then back to their pits. 
They hoped and expected the Bulgar and Turk 
Wud let Ferdy go, and return to their work. 
Way up 'mung the mountains, and rivers, and fens. 
The Teutons and Tartars slashed each uther's skins. 
The bloody-mouthed Bear made a strenuous dash. 
And pounced on the Hun and reduced him to hash. 
To save Ferdy's bacon wuz every one's thot — 
Fer this the hul batch uv 'em tussled and fot. 

It done little good, all the flurry they made — 
Fer Joseph and William kep plyin' their spade. 
They didn't propose to be switched frum their job 
Till Ferdy wuz pummeled right square on the knob, 
or Falkey, at length, dealt a staggerin' blow. 
And thru Vulcan Pass made a splurge and a go 
That landed him full in the midst uv the plain — 
And that wuz good night! to the hopes uv Roumaine. 
When once he had pierced the high wall uv the West, 
The thing begun crumblin' frum foothill to crest ; 
And 'fore Ferdy knowed it, the mountain had fell — 
And this wuz the start uv insuff' rable hell. 
They cum rollin' down, like the waves uv a flood, 
And spread o'er the valleys a mantle uv blood. 
The rivers run red with Roumany's fresh gore. 
That flushed the hul kingdom, and crimsoned each door. 

110 



LURED TO THE SHAMBLES. 

The Hun smote Craiovy, and down it soon cum ; 
And that put Orsovy right under his thumb. 
The Iron Gate wuz his, and the Danube wuz clear. 
And not a jackrabbit wuz left in the rear. 
Then right-about facin', he tuck a fresh start, 
And pointed his sword strait at Ferdinand's heart. 
He rolled 'im, and bowled 'im, not lettin' him halt, 
And pushed him right on o'er the Jiu and Alt. 
While Falkey wuz buzzin' him, Mackey rushed in, 
And landed a ringer right under his chin. 
Across the blue Danube he swung with a rush. 
And rousted the Romans right out uv the brush. 
Frum mountain to river, they kep the fires hot, 
Till half uv Wallachy had fell in the pot. 

Unitin' their forces frum north, south, and west, 
They made a grand hurdle fer fair Bucharest. 
Frum valley to valley, they dashed strait ahead. 
And stacked up the Roumies in mountains uv dead. 
They never once halted to give Ferdy breath, 
But kep dolin' out giant doses uv death. 
His courage stood firm till his capital fell — 
And this wuz the blow that plunged hope into hell. 
He knew that his crown and his kingdom were lost. 
And all he once loved on the wild billows tost ! 

It chuckled the Kaiser, and surly or Franz, 
To see Ferdy stript uv his shirt and. his pants. 
But brigands like these cudn't be satisfied 
With less than his scalp, and the hul uv his hide. 
So Falkey and Mackey kep hammer'n' away. 
And made the thing hotter frum day unto day. 
They struck right and left, frum the mountains to sea, 
And rounded 'em up with a hell-houndish glee. 

Ill 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Ploiesta they humbled, then struck fer Bezeu, 
And never ceased rollin', but bulled it right thru. 
Beyond the Danube, Mackey leapt the Great Wall, 
And give Nicky's Tartars a mighty close call. 
The hul thing wuz busted, and high in the wind — 
The oil fields were bumin', and this wuz the end. 
Wallachy wuz scuttled, Moldavy's fate near; 
And every leaf shuck with a tremblin' and fear. 
or Terdy wuz addled, his spirit wuz broke — 
He kep fallin' back thru the flame and the smoke, 
A-holdin' on here, and a-lettin' go there, 
With everything black ez the heel uv despair. 
He never called halt till the Sereth wuz reached — 
And here the wrecked hulk uv his kentry wuz beached. 

A mighty sad picture looked up to the sun — 
One half uv his kingdom lay dead, er ondone. 
A slaughter-house seems but the blush uv a rose, 
Cumpared to the scene which these valleys disclose. 
It may hev bin folly, er merely a snare — 
But hapless Roumany got more than her share. 
Jes' Lured to the Shambles — ^that's all you kin say! 
But fellers that dance, know the fiddler's to pay. 

I leave it to uthers to cheer Ferdy up, 
And learn what he thinks uv the music uv Krupp. 
But I shall pass on to great deeds yet onsung. 
And give to men's actions a voice and a tongue. 



112 



CHAPTER XVIII. 
THE DOUBLE-HEADER. 

While Nicky wuz smashin' the wall in the East, 
And lurin' ol* Ferdy to Mackensen's feast, 
The Lion and Lily got up on their legs. 
And made a bold dash f er the Teuton beer-kegs. 
They'd watched Joseph flunk, and the Prince run amuck, 
And 'lowed that the Kaisers had cornered bad luck, 
Fer ninety-nine weeks, John had mostly shot wind ; 
And now 'twuz high time fer all foolin' to end. 
'Twud not be Chapelle, ner no half-baked affair. 
But strait fer Berlin without stoppin' fer air. 
The poilu wuz willin', and glad to see John 
Lug part uv the load, while dispensin' the con. 
The war must be finished, and this wuz the time ; 
Fer Victory wuz spilin' to peal forth her chime. 
Bellerophon waited, with Pegasus groomed. 
And William's Chimera seemed certainly doomed. 

They figured the Somme wuz the right place to strike — 
Frum thence, 'twuz decided to launch the grand hike. 
Each one had prepared on a wunderf ul scale. 
And this wuz the push that shud never know fail. 
Republic and Empire, at last, had struck hands. 
And swore not to sleep till they'd copt Williams lands. 
And stained every stream with the gore uv the Hun, 
And had the last Boche full on the dead run. 
Along the short stretch uv a few paltry miles. 
They'd heapt preparations to mountainous piles, 

113 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

And had the thing ready, whatever befell, 

To shake down the Kaiser, and souse him ez well. 

Frum round the hul planet, their forces had cum — 

All colors and calibers, beatin' their drum. 

And whettin' their rage till each soul wuz aflame, 

And filled with a wrath put the devil to shame. 

The might uv two nations wuz stuft in one sack. 

And once the string broke, hell itself must reel back. 

John Bull had bin bizzy a-roundin' things up 
To pulverize Prussia, and paralyze Krupp. 
Both death and misfortune had helpt clear the stage, 
To let nimbler fingers inscribe the new page. 
Lord Roberts kicked in 'fore the fight had waxed warm. 
And left it f er uthers to weather the storm. 
The Hun scuttled Kitchner, and laid him to rest 
Where sea-urchins gambol and sport o'er his breast. 
or French wuz Viscounted, and lugged to the rear. 
And that meant Sir Douglas to guide the hul smear. 
'Twuz now up to Foch and Sir Haig to make good. 
And plant Freedom's flag where the Plunder-Bund stood. 
You'll hev to look far f er a better-paired match, 
Fer both are game colts, and right up to the scratch. 
The Kaiser, I fear, will hev all kinds uv fun 
A-stoppin' this team when it starts on the run. 

or Summer had dumb to a glorious height. 
And all were a-f umin' to git in the fight. 
Their ranks were ez dense ez the billowy grain 
That swayed in the breezes on hillside and plain. 
Ez mottled their throngs ez the leopards uv Ind — 
Each eager and anxious his life-blood to spend. 
Their swords were a-gleamin', their bayonets flashed. 
While every last guy to sum duty wuz lashed. 

114 



THE DOUBLE-HEADER. 

Their cannon were prancin' to leap on the foe — 
Their skybugs tiptoeing jest waitin' the ''Go!" 
Each muscle and muzzle wuz taut fer the fray, 
And all were thrice happy they'd lived to the day 
When right and red vengence shud belch f rum their guns, 
And cave in the skulls uv the bestialized Huns. 

When all cocked and primed, Joff re tooted his horn, 
And Heine and Fritz wished they'd never bin born. 
The genius uv Kitchner had cum to its own, 
And Lloyd George's darlin's shuck Heaven's high throne. 
The devils all trembled in hell's deepest pits, 
And Satan hizself throwed sum double-geared fits. 
When Haig's mighty monsters cut loose with a roar 
That rocked the hul earth frum Squedunk to Lahore. 
This war-battered planet ne'er witnessed its beat ; 
And shaggy ol' Saturn cud scase keep his feet, 
Fer every board-walk to the far Milky- Way 
Wuz twisted and bent frum the blast uv the fray. 

When once the guns ceased, it seemed nuthin' wuz there 
But strips uv the Boche and hanks uv his hair. 
Then right o'er the top went the Tommies, pellmell, 
To finish the job, and stuff Hun-glutted hell 
With all there wuz left uv the Kaiser's grand host — 
And leave 'em to sizzle, and simmer, and roast. 
Frum chateau to village they went with a bound. 
And stacked up the dead, cumber'n' all uv the ground. 
Fricourt, and Boiselle, and Mametz, and Carnoy — 
They grabbed frum the foe with onspeakable joy. 
The first trenches gained, and the second one smashed. 
They kep rollin' on till the third line had crashed. 
And Dutch by the hecatomb, slaughtered and slain, 
O'ermantled the earth like the sands uv the plain. 

115 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

While Haig and his Tommies were biddin' f er fame, 
Bold Foch flung his poilus right into the game, 
And burnt up the Somme with his shell and hot-shot. 
And dumpt ninety acres uv Huns in the pot. 
His howitzers smashed 'em, his seventy- fives 
Walked up to the trenches and snuft out their lives. 
He curried the valleys, and raked down the hills, 
And made Heine swoller sum durn bitter pills. 
Peronne wuz the goal ; tho he didn't git there. 
He gobbled up Curlu, and Fay, and Dompierre. 
He swep out the quarries, and brushed the rocks clean, 
And scuddled the rabbits f rum every ravine. 
The huntin' wuz fine, and the baggin' wuz good. 
And round every haystack, and thru every wood. 
The poilu chased Fritzy with vigor and vim. 
And give him no chance, tho his chances were slim. 
Along the hul stretch, frum Thiepval to Estrees, 
The quakin' Huns shuck like the damned on Doomsday. 
With Haig and Foch goin', no one cud quite tell 
If they cud be halted much this side uv hell. 

The way the thing started, it looked f er awhile 
Like William's Grand Empire wud end in a pile — 
With crowns, Krupps, and Junkers, and wienewursts, too. 
All dumpt in one hotchpotch, and sauerkraut stew. 
But Heine's no slacker, and seemed to be there — 
With foam on his brisket, and suds in his hair. 
He stood like Gibralter, and let the waves dash. 
And break at his feet with a roar and a crash ; 
And ez they kep cumin', kep sweepin' 'em back, 
And sendin' 'em swirlin' round much the same track. 
They'd swell and surge forward, and roll heaven-high, 
Then slowly recede, and give uthers a try. 

116 



THE DOUBLE-HEADER. 

Fer days, Fritz and Tommy, and poilu and Hun, 
Kep wrigglin', and rasslin*, 'mid starlight and sun, 
O'er hills, in dark caves, and far up in the clouds. 
And made menny orphans, and filled lots uv shrouds. 
Sir Haig and Foch pounded with sledgehammer blows, 
And landed each time on the Hun's bloody nose. 
But Hindy wuz there, with his fresh-laureled fame, 
And didn't much keer to besmirch his good name. 
So, tower'n' above in the strength uv his might. 
He bade 'em all stand till hell's rivers froze tight. 
Both sides were determined, and each wuz a host — 
And Death chuckled low at ol' Satan's grim toast ! 

Fer weeks, they f ot on, like chained lions at bay. 
And kep the thing rumblin' thru nighttide and day. 
No Devil's device human genius cud yield. 
But found itself tried on this blood-cluttered field. 
Guns, guns great and small, automatic, machine. 
Strewed death and destruction down dale and ravine. 
Grenades, bombs, and bullets, and shells uv all make, 
Rocked hills and shuck valleys, and made the earth quake. 
Where blade and grim bayonet failed in their task. 
Hell's pizen-winged fumes sot to pierce the dull mask. 
While prowlin' sky-dragons dropt death f rum the blue, 
The sullen flame-serpents belched forth their red spew. 
No fiendish cuntrapshun but here found a place 
In man's lofty purpose to blot out the race. 

The Kaiser imagined he'd gone the full length 
In damnable fixin's to back up his strength. 
To go him one better, John made a few tries. 
And hatched out a chick opened every one's eyes. 
While rolled in death-grips on the Picardy plain. 
Where oncounted thousands seemed strugglin' in vain — 

117 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

'Mid all sorts uv shootin's, and throwin' goose-eggs, 

And skybugs a-dartin' — sum things, without legs, 

Cum walkings right into the midst uv the fray 

A-tearin' up jack in a dare-devil way. 

They sprawled o'er the trenches, and nosed thru the wire, 

And kep snortin' thunder, and belchin' out fire. 

And paid no attention to shell-hole er gun. 

But went strait ahead makin' hash uv the Hun. 

When first he beheld it, the Boche's heart sank ; 

And, dumb with amazement, stood facin' the — ''Tank!** 

A steel-hided monster that crawled out uv hell. 

And laid on the foe an inscrutable spell. 

A bran new cuntrivance uv cyclopean breed — 

Earth's maiden dreadnaught, and the Devil's own steed. 

This new-fangled fightin' give John a fresh hope — 
And all 'lowed the Hun neared the end uv his rope. 
So poilu and Tommy both got up new steam. 
And headed once more fer the goal uv their dream. 
The castle-decked Rhine, tho afar, seemed so near. 
The splash uv its waters thrilled every dull ear. 
Tho long were the distances stretchin' between — 
With rivers and rocks and the shady Ardennes — 
They thot the time ripe to rout Heine and Fritz 
Right out uv their cuverts, and cave in their pits, 
And send 'em a-flyin' with no place to light. 
Save over the borders, and clear out uv sight. 
So, Foch made fer Combles, and Haig fer Bapaume, 
Expectin' the Boche to trek strait fer home. 
But Hindy sez, ''Nay; we'll jest stay on the job, 
And see if this newcomer plays sich great hohJ* 
So, bucklin' right down, every Teuton stood firm — 
And that caused the Alleys to fluster and squirm. 

118 



THE DOUBLE-HEADER. 

or Death heaved a sigh, and the Devil looked up — 
Then both clinked their glasses, and tuck a fresh sup ! 

All summer and fall the grim giants f ot on. 
And tore up the earth f rum Thiepval to Peronne. 
The heartstrings uv Thor never felt sich a strain, 
While sad Heaven's tears sot to wash out the stain. 
Heirs mightiest monsters were locked in death-grips. 
And great nations trembled like hounds in their slips. 
They shambled the hills till the valleys run red, 
And every step marked where sum mother's son bled. 
Since Time wuz a babe, murder never had rose 
To sich gory heights ez these diggings disclose. 

But Heaven grew faint, frum the deluge uv blood, 
And opened her winders, and let loose her flood. 
The rains fell in torrents, and cooled down their rage. 
And washed a few blotches frum each crimson page. 
They never ceased pourin' till mud, mud, and grime, 
And mud, and more mud, cuvered all with their slime. 
The frenzied team snorted, and plunged to the last, 
And wudn't let up till it mired and stuck fast. 
What Kaiser and Satan had failed to withstand, 
Wuz stopt by the raisin' uv God's gentle hand. 
The Rhine and Berlin were still far, far away ; 
But Foch and bold Haig had taught men how to slay. 
Their gains were a trifle; but William had found 
That John had arrived — and wud still hang around. 

The grand Douhle-Header had cum to a close ; 
And neither showed much save a durn bloody nose. 
Time's children will cherish the graveyard uv Somme, 
And there strew their flowers in ages to cum. 
But I must pass on, without stoppin' to weigh 
The worth uv this slaughter — ^till sum earner day! 

119 



CHAPTER XIX. 

LEVIATHAN MEETS LEVIATHAN. 

While Death spread his mantle o'er menny sad lands, 
He crimsoned the waves to the farthermost strands. 
The Kaiser and John were still vowin' their loves, 
And fondlin' each uther like mild cooin' doves. 
To starve William's chicks wuz a heaven-born right 
That none dared to question — since John had the might. 
Uv course, it seems instinct to not want to die — 
But sort uv live on, to eat sauerkraut, and pie. 
But seein' Dutch yungsters still cumber'n' the earth 
Wuz too much fer Johnny, who longed f er a dearth 
Uv things mcude in Germany; so, tight'nin' his grip, 
He swore he wud fix 'em, not lettin' one slip. 
It flamed William's wrath to see John git so bold ; 
So, kep right on strugglin' to loosen his hold. 
But John induced Samuel to stay William's arm. 
And not let him strike, er do very much harm. 
To git Sam to hold him, while he trimmed him down, 
Wuz Johnny's cunception uv doin' things brown. 
No doubt, William felt Sam wuz John's wayward son. 
And might keep on doin' what John wanted done. 
Uv course, Sam pretended to be a good friend — 
But William wuz leery, and loath to offend. 
He had on his back all the load he cud bear. 
And didn't want Samuel's long clamps in his hair. 
Down deep in his breast he felt wormwood and gall ; 
But thot it wuz best jest to swoller it all. 

120 



LEVIATHAN MEETS LEVIATHAN. 

In spite uv cuntentions, the sea-serpent's sting 
Kep piercin' John's trousers, and makin' him sing. 
Proud Albion's great argosies pitched to their doom, 
Swep off uv their feet by the Kaiser's whisk-broom. 
It's hard f er ol' dogs to git used to new tricks ; 
And that's why John howled, and raised all kinds uv kicks. 
To play the game diff 'rent f rum what it had bin 
Wuz sumthin' he cudn't quite git thru his skin. 
So, when William's brigands got ruffer each day. 
He called out to Samuel to stop the hul play. 
It puzzled Sam greatly to know what to do ; 
He didn't want trubble, and wished the thing thru. 
But sum uv his alecks kep gittin' more bold. 
And ridin' on ship after hevin' bin told. 
In spite uv all warnin', sum few had went down ; 
And this nettled Samuel, and caused him to frown. 
Uv course, he keered little how Johnny's folks fared. 
So long ez his own warn't tript up, er snared. 
He'd writ sev'ral letters to William and John, 
But both tried to fool him by f eedin' him con. 
He swollered his anger, and kep down his wrath. 
Till num'rous fresh corpses were laid in his path. 
The Sussex had foundered, with menny new slain, 
And that give to Samuel high grounds to cumplane. 
He got out his quill, and he penned a brief note 
That upset the Kaiser, and crumpled his goat. 
He told him, hereafter, before subbin' ships. 
The trav'lers on board must be given safe trips. 
This made William squirm, f er he felt it wuz right. 
And didn't much keer to draw Sam in the fight. 
So gulpin' his dose, he signed up a new pledge — 
But blamed it on John, seekin' sum way to hedge. 

121 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Kaiser wuz wrothy, and felt mighty bad 
To think he'd bin robbed uv the best tool he had. 
He cudn't blame Samuel so much f er his part, 
But vowed to go strait f er John Bull's bloody heart. 
He made up his mind, if his subbin' must stop. 
He'd lead out his Bulldogs and try it on top. 
He well knowed that John wuz a Samson at sea — 
But, then, a Delilah, he might prove to be ! 
If bold little David, with only a sling. 
Cud fetch down Goliath, there might be sich thing 
That he cud floor Johnny, with all uv his strength. 
And see him laid low, and stretched out at full length. 
So, takin' fresh courage, and grittin' his teeth. 
He swore he wud git him — it not f rum beneath ! 
A pup's no account if he's kep muzzled tight — 
It's only by fightin' he learns how to fight. 
Thus firmly determined, he set strait about 
A-groomin' his kennel to try the thing out. 

John long had bin itchin' to git a good chance 
To wing William's grouse, and his glory enhance. 
'Twuz merely childsplay overlordin' the seas. 
Where all had to knuckle, and fall on their knees. 
A bully kin boast, 'tis a part uv his game. 
And goes a long ways tow'rds upholdin' his fame. 
The foam is John's pasture, and that we admit. 
And when he starts browsin' all poachers must git. 
But William grew tired uv his bluster and brag. 
And thot it high time to hang out the red rag. 
So gether'n' his dachshunds, and spaniels, and hounds. 
He started out snootin', and makin' his rounds. 
He left Kiel, and Helgoland, far to the rear, 
And ventured up northward, disdainin' all fear. 

122 



LEVIATHAN MEETS LEVIATHAN. 

He edged along Denmark, and on up the strand, 
Not 'spectin' to find enny fun close at hand. 
But 'fore he'd passed Jutland and reached Skagarrack, 
He spied Johnny's foxers right square in his track. 
How menny John had, William cudn't quite tell — 
But sumthin' soon started that onmuzzled hell. 

or Beatty and Hipper were first to lock horns ; 
And both quickly found they were walkin' on thorns. 
Each feller's got nerve, and went strait at his foe — 
And bumpt him, and thumpt him, and wudn't let go. 
They showered each uther with tons uv blue steel, 
And groaned, and got trembly f rum turret to keel. 
But neither one flinched, and both hammered like sin, 
To see which cud first cave the uther one in. 
'Twuz six agin five ; but ol' Hipper wuz game. 
And added fresh stars to his new-fangled fame. 
Fer scase had the tussle tuck on a fair start. 
When down Indef at'gable shot like a dart ! 
Bad luck's bound to cum ; you must be 'spectin' that. 
When once you're mixed up in a free-f er-all spat. 
Not mindin' this much, fightin' Beatty swung on, 
Till lo, an explosion — and Queen Mary gone ! 
Two birds out uv six is a purty stiff bag — 
And doughty ol' Hipper had sum room to brag. 
But, 'spite uv how Beatty's grim monsters got tript, 
Bold Evan rushed up, with his big Lizzies stript, 
And jumpt in the scrap, makin' up fer the loss, 
And swearin' to nail Hipper high on the cross. 
They hounded him, pounded him, poured on his head 
Onceasin' destruction, and mountains uv lead; 
And 'lowed they'd soon hev him beat down to the brine, 
And hashed up in mincemeat, and griddled out fine. 

123 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But 'fore they had scotched him, er rounded him up, 
They cum face to face with fresh dandies uv Krupp. 
or Sheer hove in sight, with his kennel all groomed — 
Twuz now a swift hike, er the hul skittle doomed. 

It seemed neither side sensed the uther one's trick ; 
Fer both are bold plungers, and played the game slick. 
Wise Beatty turned tail, and wuz suddently gone; 
And signaled the Lizzies to f oiler heels-on. 
He wuzn't expectin' to sidestep the scrap. 
But hoped to lead William right into a trap. 
He knowed Jellico, with his hul fizzin' bunch, 
Wuz headin' strait down to give William, a punch. 
So, chased on by Hipper, and all uv the rest. 
He beat it up north, bearin' slight to the west, 
And poured out a roar f rum his loud-mouthin' guns 
That scuttled the fishes, and baffled the Huns. 
But Hipper and Sheer, beller'n' hot on his track, 
Fer every shot sent, sent a ringer right back. 
And hung o'er the Lizzies, and Lions, and all, 
A drap'ry uv death, and the devil's own pall. 
They didn't seem able to cum to close grips, 
And stumbled and fumbled without losin' ships. 
or Beatty outsped 'em — and he kin sure run — 
Till Jelly wuz sighted — and now fer the fun ! 

'Twuz Johnny's Grand Fleet agin William's High Seas- 
And sumthin' wuz likely to trubble the breeze. 
Sum three-hundred-sixty Bulldogs uv all breed 
Had filed up their fangs to make sumbody bleed. 
While John had the most, William's showed lots uv pluck, 
Andl waded right in, trustin' much to good luck. 
When Beatty saw Jellico edgin' quite near, 
He signaled the Lizzies to drop to the rear, 

124 



LEVIATHAN MEETS LEVIATHAN. 

And let Jelly's monsters git into the game, 
And eat up the Kaiser, and make a great name. 

Bold Hood wuz the first to swing into the line. 
And made a grand showing and started out fine. 
But scase had he plunged, when the Hun scored a hit — 
And down the Invincible dived to the pit! 
Brave Hood had meant well, but he didn't git far — 
And glory's escutcheon had gained a new star. 
The next one to venture wuz Sir Arbuthnot — 
And by-golly-ned ! if he didn't git caught 
Right in 'twixt two blizzards uv fierce-fiamin' shell, 
And 'fore you cud think it, things went all to hell. 
The Warrior, Defense, and Black Prince, had got stung — 
And Sir Robert's face in Fame's gallery hung ! 

John Bull is not bluft, when a few vessels keel — 
A little misfortune puts spurs to his heel. 
Bold Jelly swung in, and the thing started right; 
Fer both sides were spilin' to put on a fight. 
or Sheer is no slacker, and knows how to shoot; 
And hez lots uv nerve, and sum science to boot. 
They opened up briskly, and made the seas boil. 
And played the game reg'lar, accordin' to Hoyle. 
'Twuz ship agin ship, and 'twuz gun agin gun — 
Proud England 'gainst Germany, Brit against Hun. 
'Mid smoke and cunfusion, they kep her aglow ; 
And leaned o'er the billows and give blow fer blow. 
Leviathan grim with Leviathan f ot — 
Till Heaven and Hell to a fury were wrot ! 
The waves rocked and trembled, and staggered like drunk, 
And tried to cunceal where each feller had sunk. 
or Neptune got gloomy, and shrouded his face. 
And strove mighty hard to blot out the disgrace. 

125 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Both Johnny and William had longed fer "The Day" — 
And now it wuz here, and sumbody must pay ! 

They kep her a-rumblin', till earth and sky shuck, 
And menny were scuttled, and sum run amuck. 
The Warspite went crazy and dashed at the foe — 
The Marlb'rough had tremors when punched f rum below. 
Colossus and uthers got bift in the snout. 
While countless lame ducks went a-floppin* about. 
But Jelly wuz bizzy, and kep the brine hot, 
And landed on Sheer with his mountains uv shot. 
His Koenigs, and Kaisers, and Derflingers — all 
Were battered and shattered and pushed to the wall. 
The Lutzow wuz winged, and the Pommern wuz lost, 
And nameless small fry to the fishes were tost. 
The little dogs barked when the big ones got hoarse, 
And kep on a-scrappin' along the hul course. 
'Twuz every one's fight, and all seemed to pitch in ; 
Each waitin' a chance to git sumbody's skin. 
The fog and the smoke cuvered all like a shroud. 
And made it blamed hard to fight much in a crowd. 
So, round o'er the foam, giant brutes, in a rage, 
Were locked in death-grips that no power cud assuage. 
They never let up till the shadders uv night 
Fell o'er the grand scene and abated the fight. 

In spite uv the darkness, they kep prowlin' roun', 
A-bangin' one 'nuther, and sendin' 'em down. 
At length, the Leviathans, bleedin' and torn. 
Let loose f rum their grips, and awaited the morn. 
When rosy Dawn smiled, not a thing cud be seen — 
But foam-crested waves, 'mid a misty-robed sheen! 

The big show wuz over, and Neptune must say 
That nuthin' hez equaled it since Earth wuz clay. 

126 



LEVIATHAN MEETS LEVIATHAN. 

Which feller had won is ez hard to decide, 
Ez what color 'dorns the chameleon's hide. 
Fer scase had the battle uv dreadnaughts bin fot, 
Before a new battle uv words had waxed hot. 
Both sides shouted ''Vict'ry!" — and holler'd so loud 
That each cud be heard by the f arthest-off crowd. 
But William cum first, and that give him the lead — 
Fer news that speaks earliest gits the most heed. 
The world truly thot that John Bull wuz knocked out. 
With William a-draggin' him round by the snout. 
But, say what you will, he had sum room to crow, 
Fer much uv John's kennel wuz sleepin' below. 
When figur'n' up losses, they'd bagged two to one — 
And that wuz sum glory fer William's long gun. 
They'd taken the wind out uv Johnny's stiff sail, 
And much uv his braggin' had kind o' turned tail. 
He wuzn't so sure about lordin' the seas, 
And felt a bit shaky sumwhere round the knees. 

But things cum out later that helpt Johnny's pride — 
'Twuz sumhow diskivered that William had lied. 
He'd published John's losses, but held back his own — 
So, much uv his glory had tuck wings and flown. 
He swore he'd chased Johnny clean off uv the field ; 
But, cum to believin' it, sum people squealed. 
The most kin be vouched, when the f ac's are laid bare. 
Is — neither wuz licked, but each got a bad scare. 

Both Eagle and Lion looked much like they'd bin 
Mixed up in a cyclone — er sumthin' near kin ! 
If hit by a buzz-saw, it cudn't be worse 
Than each feller 'peared cumin' out uv the f urse. 
The thing wuz a draw, when the hul truth is sed — 
And each wuz durn glad to git by with his head. 

127 



PARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But John learnt a lesson he'll never fergit — 
To let up on boastin' 'bout bein' so "/li." 
While William cunvinced us he wuzn't afraid, 
He found Johnny's fleet more than ''jest a parade/* 
Despite the cuntention that flowed frum the fight, 
John Bull hez the Kaiser still bottled up tight. 
Tho both showed sum metal, and had lots uv fun. 
Things stand at this writin' jest where they begun. 
John still lords the wave, and is quite likely to, 
Onless sumthin' chances to which we've no clew. 

Thus endeth the tale uv Earth's greatest sea-fight — 
The waters hev camed, and there's nuthin' in sight. 
Ten thousand lie sleepin' beside their ships proud — 
With fishes fer mourners, and foam f er a shroud. 

I'll now hasten on, fer enuf hez bin sed — 
And let the waves chant a "sweet rest" fer the dead ! 



128 



CHAPTER XX. 
THE DOVE IN FULL ARMOR. 

Great things had transpired in the year uv Sixteen — 
And both sides revealed divers knots on their bean. 
They'd spilt enuf blood to paint all the skies red, 
And outstript the Alps in their heaps uv fresh dead. 
In lookin' things over, both East and in West, 
It 'pears they'd all done 'bout their dead-level best. 
The Centrals got stung when they tackled Verdun ; 
While Nick, f er a time, had the Touts on the run. 
or Franz had hit Victor, but Victor hit back ; 
And each wuz bunged up f rum the uther guy's whack. 
The Turkey bift John ; but the Bear wuz right there, 
And soon had him floppin' way up in the air. 
They'd f ot to a standstill on Picardy's plain ; 
While, out on the foam both had boasted their gain. 

At one place, the Alleys were worsted a bit — 
or Ferd had plunged in, but went strait to the pit. 
He thot it a cinch when he made his bold dash ; 
But soon found his kingdom all ground into hash. 
This latest success swelled the Quadruple's pride — 
But upset the Alleys, and stunned 'em beside. 
It seemed that no power on earth cud resist 
The blows uv the Teuton's big steel-knuckled fist. 
The Centrals now 'lowed Vict'ry's star had arose. 
And thot the time ripe to fetch things to a close. 

Jest how to proceed had 'em puzzled sumwhat. 
They wanted to stop while their game wuz a-pot ; 

129 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

And still make the Alleys believe they cud fight, 
And override all with the strength uv their might. 
Whatever their weakness, they'd make the bluff strong 
That conscience ferbid 'em, war's horrors, prolong. 
So, Hollweg got bizzy and framed a great speech, 
And rattled the sword, and made Victory screech. 
He told the hul world how the Empires had won. 
And gained a fresh splendor that outshone the sun. 
But 'spite uv this glory, they'd fain condescend 
To give the earth peace, and all agonies end. 
So, clad in full armor, forth sped the mild Dove — 
To bear the dread message uv William's great love. 
A steerin' cummittee uv noodrals wuz chose 
To pilot her forth, and her errand disclose. 
The world heaved a sigh, thinkin' peace wuz at hand. 
And every one praised William's onselfish stand. 

Jest what wud hev happened no seer kin foretell — 
The thing might hev ended, and all hev bin well. 
But meddlesome Woody, f rum-over-the-sea. 
Got nervous, and thot: "Where's the glory fer me? 
If Fm to be famous, and hev world renown, 
Fve got to git in while the bars are still down/' 

'Twuz now time to speak, er f erever keep mum — 
Fer Peace wuz a-flutter'n', and likely to cum. 
So, walkin' cat-quiet, he tricked Uncle Sam, 
And shot off his mouth when he shud hev kep cam. 
He opened his bellows, and let out a sound 
That startled the natives the hul world around. 
With nobody askin', he blurted right out : 
*'You folks mitst tell me what you're flghtin' about! 
Before you kin settle, er hev the thing o'er. 
You've got to play marbles in front uv my doorJ^ 

130 



THE DOVE IN FULL ARMOR. 

Uv course, sich freak actions wud muddle things up — 
But what kin you do with an onruly pup ? 
Each feller wuz stunned, and scase knowed what to say, 
Fer fear 'twud be charged he wuz mixed in the play. 
They didn't much like hevin* folks f rum upstairs 
A-stickin' their snoots into f ambly affairs. 
To them lookin' on, it appeared, at the first. 
Like Samuel had given the Alleys the worst. 
Fer them to make peace, when the Kaisers had won. 
Seemed sumthin' like handin' the burglar a gun. 
It sort uv pleased William, the way Sammy spoke ; 
So he wuz the first one to throw off the cloak. 
To make hizself strong with the noodrals, and Sam, 
He'd venture an answer — if only a sham ! 
He made it appear he wuz dyin* fer peace — 
But never once mentioned the lambs, er the fleece. 
The Alleys played different ; and, cumin' square out. 
Told all the world plain what the scrap wuz about. 
And give, in detail, jest the things they must have, 
Without enny gush, er the spreadin' uv salve. 
The Teutons found out, when the plans were laid bare, 
That they'd nuthin' left but a few hunks uv hair ! 

Alsace and Lorraine, they'd hand over to France — 
And Albert, uv course, git his shirt and his pants. 
The Turk must be booted clean off uv the Horn, 
And Nick bag the wool ez the Sultan wuz shorn. 
The Dago shud hev — fer his treach'ry and pains — 
The richly hung border uv Charley's domains. 
(Or Franz, ez you know, had already kicked in. 
And gone strait below to broil out his tuff skin.) 
Serb Peter, and Nick late uv Montenegro, 
Wud dish up the Bulgar ez sauce fer their crow. 

131 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

or Ferdy must hev all he'd aimed at before — 
With William and Charley kicked out the front door. 
The Czech and the Slav shud be given full sway 
To carve up the Hapsburgers much their own way. 
The Pole must hev freedom, ez served by the Bear — 
And Turkey sliced hot, with each brigand a share. 
The jewels that fell frum the Kaiser's rich gown, 
Uv course, Johnny Bull wud tack onto his crown. 
The Jap shud be given his bit in the East — 
And all were well pleased with the bountiful feast. 
Their dream wuz fine-spun, not a rav'lin' left out ; 
And all wuz cumplete — save the bringin' about! 

The Quadruple fainted, and fell to the ground, 
When told what the Alleys had dared to propound, 
or Woody soon saw what a muss he'd stirred up. 
By stickin' his snoot into uther folks' cup. 
If ever the Teutons had terms to propose. 
They'd fell flat ez flapjacks with webfooted toes. 
To see themselves quartered, and hacked up in chunks, 
And peddled about 'mung a passel uv skunks, 
Wuz more than a Kaiser, er Hapsburger proud. 
Cud ever submit to in front uv a crowd. 

Their love changed to fury, their fury to rage — 
They fretted and foamed like a beast in his cage. 
Fair visions uv peace swiftly vanished frum sight, 
And left only swords, and an onsullied might. 
If they must be robbed, they wud let the world know 
Jest who were the robbers, and why it wuz so. 
If blood must keep flowin', and slaughter proceed, 
'Twuz only f er vengence, and onbridled greed. 
The Kaisers both swore, 'fore the Alleys shud win, 
They'd wade crimson rivers clear up to their chin. 

132 



THE DOVE IN FULL ARMOR. 

If peace cudn't cum without murder'n* the race, 
The Alleys must look all the dead in the face — 
Fer jestice is jestice, and Peace without that, 
Wud be like a hatband without enny hat ! 

The Alleys smiled grimly, to hear the Huns rage ; 
And knowed 'twuz mere shammin', and pure cammyflage. 
To make themselves strong with the folks back at home, 
They'd lashed the dumb waves, and whipt up a great foam. 
It takes keerf ul haiidlin' to keep the herd cam, 
And make it onswervingly f oiler the ram. 
The Alleys, uv course, wudn't now dare to hedge. 
No matter how close they were pushed to the ledge. 
But, still, it shows nerve, when you're trimmed like a vine, 
To stand up and say, 'Tm Orfeelin' quite fine!** 
John Bull never stops 'cause there's stones in the road — 
He simply slows down, and increases the load. 
The lawyer that's licked makes the most absurd claims — 
And bullies the uther by callin' him names. 
The Alleys well knew that their cake wud be dough. 
If they shud show fear, er cunsent to let go. 
So, tight'nin' their belt, they put up a stiff bluff. 
And kep right on diggin', and raisin' the stuff. 
"The last dollar wins," so their wiseacres sed, 
"And peace will he here when the last Hun is deoid/* 

This ended the farce ; fer the thing wuz foredoomed — 
A Dove in full armor, ain't properly groomed. 
If seekin' fer Peace, you must 'pear a bit meek, 
And not go about with red paint on yer cheek. 
'Twuz jest a smooth game uv the rulers and kings, 
To hoodwink their peoples, and stiffen their wings. 
While cattle will foller, it's no trick to lead — 
The butchers are never the fellers that bleed ! 

133 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

A few wretched mothers had sons yet alive; 
And, this bein' so, monarchs still wud cuntrive 
To keep the thing thrummin' till nuthin' wuz left — 
Save crepe on the heart, and a bosom bereft ! 

When once you start fightin*, there's no place to stop 
Till one feller's down, and the uther on top. 
So, passin' up Peace to a more lucky day, 
I'll now hasten back to the midst uv the fray. 



134 



CHAPTER XXI. 
FORGIN' THE IRON RING. 

The Dove uv hope failed, and flew back to the ark, 
And left the floods rollin' more dreadful and dark. 
Apollyon's grim lust, it seemed nought cud abate — 
or Minotaur still claimed his morsels uv hate. 
Since peace had passed on, and dissolved to a dream. 
The only thing now wuz to git up fresh steam. 
Both sides soon f ergot all the fair might hev bins, 
And went strait to work settin' up their new pins. 
They'd found it wuz wisdom, before leavin' home, 
To git out their shears, and a stiff currycomb. 
To clip off the wings uv a batch uv cheap ginks. 
And ontangle knots, and smooth out sum ruff kinks, 
Is what stern necessity bade 'em all do. 
If they shud expect their grand schemes to pull thru. 
So each tuck a tumble, where things needed change. 
And set right about layin' out a new range. 

It seems, William's boat hadn't started to rock ; 
And so, Wilhelmstrasse went thru without shock. 
But Charley wuz young ; and, no doubt, it wuz wise 
To wipe the slate clean, and try out sum new guys. 
So, Koerber steps down, and Spitzmueller walks in ; 
And that 'peared to help the Teut's chances to win. 
The Centrals, 'twud seem, didn't hev so much need 
Uv gittin' fresh bosses to keep up their speed. 
Most Giverments stand, while the vict'ries cum strong; 
But, if the thing sags, they don't last very long. 

135 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

It makes little diff' rence what good you hev done — 
Keep hittin' the bull's-eye, er lay down the gun. 
War's void uv all conscience, and don't give a cuss; 
It's there with the goods, er git out uv the muss. 
It's no use to parley, er stand in the way ; 
Give room f er sumbody knows how to make hay. 

The Alleys most needed to trim up their vines ; • 
Fer they seemed to hev both the flunks, and the whines. 
To cure all their ailments, and git straitened out. 
They'd hev to take sumbody right by the snout. 
The dead wood must go, with the strong branches left — 
When strikin' the foe, you need all uv yer heft. 
So, takin' f orewarnin', each got out his hook. 
And pruned, and kep prunin', till every twig shook. 

John Bull wuz the first to git on a high-hoss. 
And clean out the stables, and hire a new boss. 
or Asquith's long hair made him seem like a saint — 
They needed a dub with a dash uv war-paint. 
You can't win a fight settin' round a green board 
A-dishin' out gaff till you're bumpt on the Koard. 
You've got to cut out a good part uv the wind, 
And deal in brass tacks, if you want things to end. 
The kentry wuz tired uv the way matters stood, 
And wanted sum guy that knowed how to saw wood ; 
Fer too menny cooks spile the broth, so 'tis sed. 
And twenty-three shoulders can't carry one head. 

So, doughty Lloyd George jumpt the fence like a colt. 
And that give the wind-jammers quite a stiff jolt. 
The throne got excited, and rushed to the breach. 
And checked matters up 'fore they got out uv reach. 
When things settled down, after takin' sum flop. 
The game little Welshman had cum out on top. 

136 



FORGIN' THE IRON RING. 

It's hard to forejedge how a banty will run — 
But one head's a legion fer gittin' things done. 
The Lion now felt that he had a fresh start ; 
And vowed to go strait fer the Black Eagle's heart. 

While John wuz housecleanin', France got out her broom, 
And started a dust in a-most every room. 
Things long had bin slipping and saggin' in speed — 
When threadin' a labyrinth, sum one must lead. 
There's wisdom in counsel, but gittin' things done 
Is much more important, when swattin' the Hun. 
Red-tape and routine cuver lots uv small sins ; 
But strait to the mark is the slogan that wins. 
It's weed out the tares, and git back to the wheat, 
If ever you're 'spectin' the foe to be beat. 
You can't feed an army, and furnish it tools, 
And still keep yer parrots and shaller-brain fools. 
If war's nuthin' else, it is bizness per se — 
And them that ain't bizness hev no right to be. 
So Briand wuz given a fresh lease uv life. 
To file up his buzz-saw, and sharpen his knife. 
He centered French hopes in a Council uv Five — 
On this they must lean, if they keerd to survive. 
Hizself at the head, with four uthers in sight — 
or Joffre fer counsel, and Niville fer fight. 
The layout wuz fine, and it seemed that France, now, 
Wuz jest about ready to milk William's cow. 

The Little White Father had trubbles his own — 
And never quite knowed who wuz up on the throne. 
Things hadn't gone right since the war had begun ; 
And menny suspected the wiles uv the Hun. 
'Twuz ministers up, and 'twuz ministers down ; 
With most people guessin' who wore the Bear's crown. 

137 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Alleys, uv course, thot they had the thing cinched ; 

But William wuz workin' it not to git pinched. 

The Beaurycrats showed lots uv boldness and cheek, 

And wudn't let Dumy, er Dimmycrats, speak. 

So matters went on till oF Sazonoff fell, 

And Sturmer went in — and that opened up hell ! 

Protopopoff jined him, and this made things worse. 

And every one started to swear and to curse. 

''The Huns in the saddle!'' — 'twuz too much to stand ; 

And Dumy and Dimmycrats both tuck a hand. 

To turn Russia over to traitors, and sich. 
And make a Hun peace, with the Bear in the ditch, 
Wuz more than a people that had enny pride 
Wud ever submit to — onless Nature lied ! 
Things cum to a head, and Grand Russia rose up. 
And throwed down the gauntlet to Sturmer and Krupp. 
The hul blasted kentry got high on its ear. 
And shoutin' and cussin' wuz all you cud hear. 
The Dumy stood pat, and the Czar got a hunch 
He'd better git rid uv the hul sneakin' bunch. 
The cord didn't snap till the boys f rum the front 
Sent up word to Nicky — and that did the stunt ! 

or Sturmer slunk off like a sheep-killin' dog. 
And William's bold schemin' all went up in fog. 
Wise Trepoff stept in, and the stew simmered down ; 
And Nicky wuz saved his good name and his crown. 
The people were told how the Alleys agreed 
To give them the Horn, if they'd stand fast and bleed. 
This seemed all-sufficient to clear up the air ; 
And each wuz dead willin' to stand by the Bear. 

With housecleanin' finished, and all snug at home, 
John Bull, Bear, and Lily, made strait tracks fer Rome. 

138 



FORGIN' THE IRON RING. 

They went to see Victor, and shape things about, 
And work out a plan to pull William's long snout. 
It seemed, up to now, Victor wuzn't quite fair ; 
And held hizself separate, and played solitaire. 
There still were sum people he didn't much like. 
And wuzn't jest ready to jine the grand hike. 
But all were agreed that this spreadin' apart 
Wuz what spiked the Alleys, and give the Huns heart. 
Were they to succeed, they must forge an iron ring 
Close round William's throttle, and then let him sing. 
Emmanuel 'peared now the weak link in the chain. 
And makin' him strong wud redound to all's gain. 
To hev a crack team, every feller must pull, 
With nobody shirkin' er playin' the bull. 

To win Victor round, and hev everything strait. 
They promised him more than they had here uv late. 
He wanted a finger in big folk's pie — 
A hand in the Balkans, and, 'twixt you and I, 
Ez much uv the plunder ez he cud safe git. 
And still leave the uthers a poor-beggar's bit. 
The pins were set up, and the thing wuz cumplete, 
To swipe the Quadruple right off uv its feet. 
While winter's no time fer spring-chickens to hatch. 
They 'lowed they'd soon hev sum wud make the Hun scratch. 

The chain wuz firm-welded, with every link strong, 
And most people thot the Huns wudn't last long. 
Nineteen-S event een wuz beginnin' to bud. 
And all were preparin' fer thunder and blood. 
The Kaiser and Charley had partly camed down. 
And knowed it wuz fight to save kingdom and crown. 
It may hev seemed weakness to holler fer peace — 
But they had the possum, and most uv the grease ! 

139 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Sumtimes you're blamed lucky to hold what you've got — 

The game's often lost by a foolish chance shot. 

While cruel mishap had oft dashed Allied hopes, 

They now felt f er sure they were onto the ropes. 

To strike all together wuz part uv their plans, 

And not give the foe time to spit on his han's. 

With millions a-poundin', the house must soon fall — 

And then they'd hev William tied up in a stall. 

Their vision wuz splendid — but how it panned out, 
I'll strive to relate ez events cum about. 



%40 



CHAPTER XXII. 
SUM ONEXPECTED SURPRIZES. 

With matters all settled, and smoothly ironed out, 
Both sides were now eager to fetch things about. 
or Winter had scampered up tow'rd the North Pole, 
The Groundhog had thawed, and cum out uv his hole. 
And things were a-buzz round the hul blasted front, 
And every one watched f er the final grand stunt. 
The Quadruple, wrothy because Peace had failed, 
Swore loud that their foes to the cross shud be nailed. 
The Alleys, disdainin' to heed the vain boast, 
Kep pressin' close round with their onsorted host, 
Expectin' to soon smash the enemy's snoot, 
And then hang him high on the toe uv their boot. 

Each feller wuz groomed, and right up to the scratch, 
And all the world waited to see how they'd match. 
In East and in West, and thruout the long line. 
Each boasted and bragged that his chances were fine. 
But sumtimes surprize brings us butterless bread — 
Fer only Divinity sees things ahead ! 
The blind onexpected oft upsets our plans. 
And leaves only ashes and dust in our han's. 
Both sides will diskiver, ez you'll doubtless see. 
That Fate is the master, and sez what shall be. 
The hap'nin's that chanced ez the buds 'gan to swell, 
Without f urder talkin', I'll now strive to tell. 

Way out in the Orient, things 'gan to move; 
But kep purty close to the same trammeled groove. 

141 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Moslem had captured, and sheared Johnny's goat, 

But never once dreamt he wud grow a new coat. 

You can't always tell how events will fall out — 

The distance ain't far 'twixt a sigh and a shout. 

The Lion thrives well in the jungle-clad East ; 

And Johnny's no feller to miss a grand feast. 

A little bad luck sort o' braced up his pride; 

And so, he sent Maude to bring back the Turk's hide. 

Assemblin' his forces f rum near and f rum far. 

He started right out to give Islam a jar. 

To git back the prestige the Britain had lost, 

'Twuz Bagdad er bust, without countin' the cost. 

Remember'n' the blunder that Townshend had made. 
He laid his plans keerf ul f er movin' upgrade. 
Before the Turk woke, he had Kut in his grip ; 
And soon preceived Islam beginnin' to slip. 
Right on up the Tigris he rolled the hul bunch ; 
And if they tried stoppin', he'd give 'em a punch 
That sent 'em a-skitin' with no place to light. 
Save over the mosques and away out uv sight. 
The Gem uv the Desert soon fell in his hand — 
And William's grand vision had nowhere to stand ! 
Berlin to Bagdad wuz a mist on the brain ; 
And, once 'twuz dispelled, all his dreamin' wuz vain. 
It stunned him cumplete to think John had him foiled — 
The more he thot on it, the more his blood boiled. 
But Johnny Bull, now, had the Turk on the run — 
The Bear had jined in, and all relished the fun. 

It peeved William greatly how luck went uv late — 
So, all uv his promises, wiped frum the slate. 
He swore, if not peace, 'twud be war to the hilt ; 
While on uthers' shoulders wud rest all the guilt. 

142 



SUM ONEXPECTED SURPRIZES. 

He felt Johnny Bull wuz the block in his path ; 
On his head must fall the great weight uv his wrath. 
The chune uv starvation he'd thrummed at so long, 
He'd strive to transform to a dyin' swan's song. 
If John wuzn't willin' to do what wuz right, 
He'd show him the force uv his onshackled might. 
So, lookin' stern destiny square in the face, 
He vowed he wud throttle the dastard scapegrace. 
And shet off his wind till he cudn't draw breath, 
Then tighten his grip till he strangled to death. 
Not figur'n' results, he warned noodrals and all 
The time had now cum to nail John to the wall. 
So, never cunsider'n' what uthers might think, 
He oncorked the bottle that raised a great stink. 

He notified John that clean round his domain — 
And each uv the Alleys, to speak very plain — 
He'd drawn a curved line away out in the sea. 
And all who crossed that wud, perchance, cease to be. 
The Kaiser had reckoned that all were his friends 
Who hadn't mixed in, and wud sanction his ends. 
Uv course, subbin' vessels that crossed the dead-line 
Wud work very well, and shet Johnny off fine. 
But William had grabbed where the hair wuz too short. 
And every last noodral jest started to snort. 
The small fry, no doubt, wud hev flopt and camed down. 
But big Uncle Samuel kep wearin' his frown. 
He spake not a word ; but picked up his stub-pen. 
And wrote out a passport fer — Bernstorff and kin! 
This shocked William so that his heart most stood still ; 
Fer Sam wuz a friend — and to hand sich a pill! 
A second surprize swep him off uv his feet — 
It seemed that the tares wud soon outcrop the wheat. 

143 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Misfortune can't always keep foller'n' one side — 
The feller last f avored's the best satisfied. 
The Alleys were smilin', that luck had now cum — 
But oft good beginnings turn out the most bum. 
This very thing happened — out on the West front. 
The poilu and Tommy had planned a great stunt; 
And had matters fixed, when ol' Sol dried the mud, 
To roll back the Teuts in a deluge uv blood. 

Without lettin' up when the Somme battle mired, 
They'd toiled on like beavers, that never git tired, 
And clean thru the winter, and far into spring, 
Kep pilin' up thunder to make William sing. 
The time wuz now ripe, after countless postpones, 
To grab the Grey Eagle and chomp up his bones. 
The Tommy wuz fizzin', the poilu in trim ; 
And chances f er William looked mighty blamed slim. 
They'd counted on leapin' right square on his back. 
And pulpin' his knot with a finishin' whack. 
But wily ol' Hindy's no common-breed fox ; 
And, if you ketch him, you may bet yer best socks. 
You've got to git up 'fore the breakin' uv dawn, 
Else he's fed, and harnessed, and most likely gone. 
Without a suspishion, that's jest what wuz done — 
He'd pulled up his line, to the last rusty gun, 
And laid it right back on a bran new defense. 
And left the foe hangin' high up in suspense. 
This knocked every prop f rum the Alleys' great plans, 
And left the ginks standin' with wind in their han's. 
It made William grin, when he saw their surprize — 
But, turn ahoufs fair; and, oft foolin' makes wise! 

What chanced in the West wuz a weak counterpart 
Uv things that turned up when the Bear made a start. 

144 



SUM ONEXPECTED SURPRIZES. 

The Alleys had fixed it that every last dub 
Shud make a grand splurge, and upset the Hun's tub. 
They'd hoped and expected, with one mighty push, 
To rustle the Centrals right out uv the bush. 
And keep 'em a-floppin', with nowhere to light — 
Till all were coopt up, with the hen-house locked tight. 
They made a fair showin' in spots here and there — 
But Foch and Haig's bosses went pawin' the air ! 

Things seemed more propitious a bit f urder East ; 
And all were expectin' a mighty rich feast. 
With millions uv Muscovys trim f er the fray, 
Proud Nick had prepared fer the final Great Day. 
He never once dreamt but he'd bring to their knees — 
Kings, Kaisers, and Sultans, and all the hul squeeze. 

It looked purty shaky fer Teuton and Hun ; 
Fer Nicky's steam-roller had barely begun. 
When once it got goin', look out fer a smash — 
With empires a-crumblin', and ground into hash ! 
It seemed Vict'ry sure, with great glory on top — 
But jest ez it started, he heerd sumthin' drop. 
The Bear had gone bug, and had lost all his sense — 
And down went the Throne, with Nick over the fence ! 
This put a quick stop to the hul blamed affair ; 
And every Hun smiled — at the flop uv the Bear ! 

These suddent surprizes disjinted their dreams. 
And sort uv onhinged all their finely-spun schemes. 
Both sides were upset, and cumpletely ondone; 
Fer nobody knowed how the future wud run. 

Wud Russia stand hitched, with her Throne in the dust? 
Er wud she start swellin', and most likely bust? 
You can't never tell, when a cyclone breaks loose. 
How far it will go, er jest when 'twill reduce. 

145 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

This puzzled the Alleys, and trubbled 'em much ; 
Fer they were all primed fer the finishin' touch. 

Wud Sam run amuck, and git into the game? 
Er mind his own bizness, and save his good name? 
You're never quite sure when a mule's goin' to kick — 
He's likely to fool you, and do it durn slick. 
This worried the Teutons ; fer they'd always thot 
That Sam wuz good-natured, and wudn't git hot. 

So, things were onsettled the hul world about. 
And none cud f ore j edge how the play wud cum out. 
Time only cud tell ; but the dreadful suspense 
Wuz like settin' up on a sharp pailin'-f ence ! 
The plot seemed to deepen with every fresh scene — 
And how to onravel it, puzzles yer bean. 

Spring's brood uv surprizes upturned every pail — 
And spilt all the milk, leavin' scasly a trail. 
But I shall stay close to the strict rule uv thumb — 
And keep on unfoldin' events ez they cum. 



146 



CHAPTER XXIII. 
LASSOIN' THE BUCKIN' BRONCO. 

When War struck the earth, Uncle Sam plainly sed, 
*'My kentry is noodral — let all keep their head/' 
It didn't need saying f er every one 'lowed : 
*'It's only fools fight, and we're not uv that crowd. 
We long hev bin peaceful, and so shall remain, 
And let uthers slaughter, and pile up their slain." 

This f eelin' sunk deep in the heart uv each one ; 
And nobody dreamt 'twud be ever ondone. 
They stood and looked on, with amazement profound, 
To see frenzied monarchs encumber the ground 
With millions uv dead, never makin' excuse — 
Save, they had the power, and had put it to use. 
It made little difference who'd fetched it about — 
'Twuz merely a dog-fight, and folks shud stay out. 
The innocent Peoples had nuthin' to say, 
And nuthin' to do but to stand up and slay, 
And murder their brothers without knowin' why, 
Except that their rulers had told them to die. 
It moved all to pity, to see sich distress-^ 
But madness is madness, and that's the hul mess ! 

The first spasms over, the waves settled down; 
And each went about on his everyday roun'. 
Sam hadn't much fears, fer the thing wuz far oflf; 
And hogs mostly fight when they use the same troff. 
His folks tuck cumpassion on them that got hurt. 
And sent lots uv soup, and give each a clean shirt. 

147 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Their sympathies seemed to lean this way, er that — 

It mattered no whit on which side uv the spat 

They spent their masume, so it give sum relief 

To them that were suffer'n' and had loads uv grief. 

The minds uv his people were firmly made up 

That war is plain murder, and no lousy pup 

Shud ever push them into sich an affray — 

No matter what chanced, they'd keep out uv harm's way. 

That's how they all felt, and it might hev stayed thus, 

If sum hadn't schemed to git Sam in the fuss. 

The story's a puzzler how Sammy got snared ; 
But jestice demands that all fac's shud be bared. 
He had small excuse to git mixed in the spree, 
And might not hev fallen except f er the sea. 
It's here he got tangled ; and, with uther things, 
Wuz finally forced to pull in his white wings. 
Jest how it all happened, I'll strive to relate — 
In fixin' the blame, you kin use yer own pate. 

Humanity, 'pears, had spun out sum fine laws — 
But, put to the test, proved ez weak ez rye-straws. 
The sea, it wuz settled, wuz every man's land. 
And none had the right to molest, er cummand. 
In peace, er in war, and thru sunshine and gale, 
All innocent vessels cud lawfully sail, 
And enter each harbor that wuzn't plugged up — 
And who interfered wuz a dirty, mean pup. 

When war cum about, every feller got skeer'd. 
And shet hizself up, ez it quickly appeared. 
And built sum line-fences way out in the sea. 
Where enny one browsin' had good right to be. 
It nettled the noodrals to see their own ground 
Set full uv explosions that cudn't be found 

148 



LASSOIN' THE BUCKIN' BRONCO. 

Till sumthin* let go, and, high up in the air, 
They felt themselves movin', without enny hair. 
Both sides had done wrong, but they wudn't cunf ess ; 
And charged one anuther with startin' the mess. 

Who's chiefly to blame is a hard nut to crack ; 
But most uv the burden seems on Johnny's back. 
The wimmen and kids had a right to be fed ; 
And William insisted that's how the law read. 
But John wuz the boss, and done jest ez he pleased — 
And that's how the Dutch, and the noodrals, got squeezed. 
He f ollered sich laws ez best suited his case ; 
And what didn't fit, he wud simply erase. 
He sed that the foe must be crushed to the ground — 
And starvin' him out wuz the short way around. 
This breakin' the rules didn't set very well. 
And sum people cussed, and begun to raise hell. 
The Kaiser appealed to the noodrals, and Sam; 
And swore, if John meant it, he'd never keep cam. 
Sam told Johnny plainly he hadn't no law 
To starve William's kids, and he'd better withdraw. 
John paid no attention, and went right along 
A-doin' the things that he knowed wuz dead wrong. 
But he had the might — and so what wuz the use? 
Git cracked on the knob, er else take his abuse. 

John wudn't blockade ez the law sed he shud. 
But done it his way, which he claimed wuz ez good. 
He hailed all the noodrals out on the high seas, 
And lugged 'em in home, jest ez cam ez you please, 
And went thru their pockets, and rifled their mail ; 
And, if he found nuthin', he'd let 'em set sail, 
Providin' they promised they'd never agin 
Attempt to drive hogs into William's pig-pen. 

149 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

This greatly peeved Sam, and he bucked like a steer ; 
But John went ahead, never seemin' to fear. 
It 'peared Samuel's kickin' wus merely a joke, 
And all uv his fizzin' went up in thin smoke. 

When William had watched Samuel's bluff to the end, 
And give up all hopin' that Johnny wud mend, 
He started right out to do sumthin' hizself , 
And didn't much keer who he laid on the shelf. 
He 'iled up his subs and went strait fer John's throat. 
And told uther folks to look out fer their goat. 
His aim wuz to git him right under the gills, 
And poke down his neck a few red-pepper pills. 
And mebby he'd then cum across and be good. 
And let starvin' kids hev a few scraps uv fud. 
It worked purty well till the Lucy went down — 
And that made the world kind o' take on a frown. 

Uv course, 'twuz John's vessel, and bore contraband, 
And under the rules, and the law uv the land, 
He had ample reason to capture, er sink — 
But drownin' the wimmen's what caused all the stink ! 
Sam's folks had had warnin' before they went on. 
And most people 'lowed that they shudn't hev gone. 
But William soon found that he'd made a bad break ; 
And, while not cunf essin' his foolish mistake. 
He promised to settle with noodrals, and Sam, 
And pay all the damage, if they wud keep cam. 
While this wuz agreed to, it left a bad taste ; 
And give John a chance to git round Sammy's waist. 

The Kaiser grew leery, and walked purty strait — 
He didn't want Samuel's big maul on his pate. 
It might hev stayed thus, had things not cum about 
That gradu'lly worked to make William lose out. 

150 



LASSOIN' THE BUCKIN* BRONCO. 

While John forced him to it, the Hun done the dirt ; 
And that's why most folks put the blood on his shirt. 
Had nuthin' else chanced than a few fellers lost, 
Sam wudn*t hev plunged without countin' the cost. 
But uther strings pulled him, ez all the world knows. 
Till he cud scase tell what wuz wrong with his clothes. 
One f ailin* Sam hez, and that Johnny well knew — 
He loves the long^ green, and so there is yer clew. 

Sam tried to stay noodral, but that wudn't hold 
When John cum across with his ship-loads uv gold. 
He bot Sam's pertaters — and got Samuel, too — 
That's where William failed, fer he cudn't git thru. 
You may think you're free, but yer bonds bind you tight — 
'Twuz Morgan, not morals, got Sam in the fight. 
He'd sold, and he'd sold, till he had all their cash — 
When people can't pay, bizness soon goes to smash. 
'Twuz either git in, and take oncuvered notes, 
Er eat yer own punkins, and ryebread, and shoats. 
Gold ain't got no conscience, and wud jest ez lief, 
To make itself safe, plunge the hul world to grief. 
The truth plainly spoken, that's jest what wuz done — 
So, don't blame it all on the brutalized Hun ! 
If Sam had played noodral, he might hev had peace — 
You can't take the possum, and not take the grease. 

When William saw Sam f allin' into John's grip. 
And felt his own hold wuz beginnin' to slip. 
He sent forth sum ginks fitted out with gum-shoes. 
That went round about spreadin' all sorts uv news. 
They blowed up the places where John made his stuff. 
And raised hully hell, and put on a great bluff. 
This got Sammy r'iled, and give John an excuse 
To heap on the Huns every sort uv abuse. 

151 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

That kind uv work tells, when yer conscience is seared 
With swag, and palaver artistically smeared. 
Twixt William's bad blunders, and Johnny's masume, 
Twuz hard to foretell how the Spring buds wud bloom. 
They might blossom white, and they might cum out red — 
'Twud mostly depend on what one duffer sed! 

Sam's wise ones had warned him, since 'fore he wuz born, 
To stay out uv tangles, and keep raisin' com. 
To f oiler this course, he must draw the reins tight. 
And never mix up into uther folks' fight. 
This rule wuz religion, ez most people thot, 
And nobody dreamt that he'd ever git caught. 
But John Bull's a slicker, and lucky ez sin 
When workin' his game to pull uther dubs in. 

Good fortune had favored him, jest at this stage. 
By hevin' Sam bossed by a crafty ol' sage 
Who thot he knowed more about runnin' a state 
Than them that had founded, er fashioned it great. 
He had Billy Bryan at work on the job — 
But Billy soon got it right square on the knob. 
He stood fQr fair dealin', and boldly sed so — 
But this wuz too strong, so he had to let go. 

It ain't every feller kin wear Georgy's clothes — 
It tilts up the chin, and onsettles the toes ! 
So, when Woody donned 'em, they didn't set well — 
Ez Willie, no doubt, cud regretfully tell. 
Yer ladder's no use when you've dumb to the top ; 
You might ez well spurn it, and let the thing drop. 

With Bryan dehorned, the road seemed to be clear. 
And Woody went forth without very much fear. 
'Twuz glory that beckoned, and high-feathered fame, 
And he's the smooth chap that kin play the fast game. 

152 



LASSOIN' THE BUCKIN' BRONCO. 

He chloryformed Samuel by feedin* him notes, 

And never sed beans till he'd got in the votes. 

He made people think he stood squarely fer peace — 

But kep nudgin' Johnny to lay on the grease. 

He wore a bland smile he thot William wud like — 

But William soon found 'twuz a smile that cud strike! 

When all wuz made ready, he tore off the mask. 

To them that wud question, sed : ''Why shud you ask? 

You're jest willful men, if you stand in my way — 

Fer I'm the main squeeze, and mu^t hev the hul say." 

When Sammy found out that his hopes had bin ditched, 
He kicked o'er the traces, and wudn't stand hitched. 
He bucked like a bronco, and heeled up the sod. 
And swore he'd bin flimflammed b'-gee-hully-god ! 
Sam wanted his people to hev the last say — 
But this wuz mere rubble throwed in Woody's way. 
So, fetchin' his foot firmly down on the scheme, 
Sed, ''Nix; nuthin' doin'; I'll use my own steam." 
Hell broke loose in earnest, and most people 'lowed 
That Woody had better give in to the crowd. 
But he'd made a vow he wud see the thing thru — 
And that's how it went, 'spite uv all they cud do. 
The bronco wuz busted, and lassoed, at last ; 
And all his peace visions were things uv the past. 
No one cud hev thot that a wise guy like Sam 
Wud ever hev fell thru a trick, er a sham ! 

Sum sed it wuz munny ; sum sed, "Blood will tell" — 
But most people 'lowed Johnny played his cards well. 
Jes' say what you will — little matters the pains — 
But Sammy must pay fer the Scotch in his veins. 
Uv course, things had happened that made people hot; 
Sum ships had went down, with a few fellers caught. 

153 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Still uther things chanced ez the scrap dragged along — 

But Sam wuz fer peace, and fer peace mighty strong. 

He cudn't see why he shud mix in a fight 

Where all were his friends, and all thot they were right. 

He hadn't much choice 'mung a bunch uv mad kings, 

And vowed to stay home, and perform useful things. 

Each feller had nagged him, and ruffed him up sum — 

But then, he expected sich trubbles to cum. 

That's how Sammy felt when the thunderbolt struck — 

And now he's still wunder'n' what caused the bad luck. 

Fer menny moons past he had watched the flames burn ; 

But never once thot it wud cum to his turn. 

The plain folks, ez usu'l, had nuthin' to say — 

They simply were buncoed, and now it wuz pay! 

Wise Johnny Bull smiled, when he got Sammy in — 
But William sed : ''Hell! What a fool I hev bin! 
I never once dreamt that the blamed hog wud fight; 
But now he's right on me with all uv his might/* 
The Lion is foxy — jes' stick a pin there — 
And ain't so much worried how uther folks fare. 
To save his own hide is the principal thot — 
And little he keers fer the suckers that's caught. 

I've now give the f ac's — and I trust they are true — 
But who's most to blame, I will leave that to you. 



154 



CHAPTER XXIV. 
FLUBDUB AND OUT UV THE FIGHT. 

While William wuz gittin' in bad in the West, 
By Sam layin* off both his coat and his vest, 
The Grand Realm uv Russia had went all to sticks, 
With Bruin performin' sum mighty strange tricks. 
'Twuz no more Czar Nicky, big pig in the troff , 
But now, speakin' plainly, mere Nick Romanoff. 
It's quite a long step frum a Throne to a Cell — 
But once you start warrin', you never kin tell. 
Great monarchs are fellers, much like uther folks. 
When stript uv their crowns, and their sabers, and cloaks. 
The trappings make sum vessels seem extra large ; 
But when they're onrigged, you find only a barge. 
The Bear had throwed Nick, and the Beaurycrats, all — 
But once he got goin', how far he wud fall 
Wuz merely cunjecture, and no one cud say. 
And none kin tell yet, ner f er menny a day. 
The chickens that's hatched are the ones you kin count ; 
And that's 'bout ez high ez my pinions will mount. 
I'll tell what I know, and I wudn't tell more — 
I'm not seer, ner prophet, that sees things before. 

The Bear, frum the start, 'peared to hev a hard row ; 
With all sorts uv helpers, but none that cud hoe. 
He'd spilt seas uv blood, and wuz in a sad plight ; 
And things f er the future seemed not very bright. 
The fellers that led him were traitors, er sich, 
And no one cud tell when they'd land in the ditch. 

155 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He'd got mighty hungry, with bread all around ; 
And that poured cayenne on a much-inflamed wound. 
You'll stand f er a heap when yer stomach is full ; 
But once she goes empty, look out fer the bull, 
or Petroff had flunked, like the rest uv his ilk, 
And that wuz the stumble that spilt all the milk. 
The Dumy bucked hard, and the people all sed, 
'Wo matter what cums, the Bear's got to he fed." 
The boys frum the front helpt to push it along; 
And, purty soon, everything went good and strong. 
The patience uv millions had snapt like a cord, 
And over the hul shebang went, blessed Lord ! 
With Dimmycrats up, and with Beaurycrats down, 
And Nick without boardin'-house, kingdom, er crown. 
The mess wuz a jumble, the Throne in a heap — 
And Russia a shepherdless big flock uv sheep ! 

With Nicky onhorsed, the world heaved a deep sigh. 
And wundered what fingers wud now mix the pie. 
The noble Grand Duke, who wuz handed the pot, 
Sez, ''Nay; I'll not take it, it's too blasted hot." 
The Dumy got bizzy, and framed up a slate 
That went thru a-hummin', and seemed purty strait. 
The Grand Revolution — fer which all had prayed — 
Wuz now in their hands, and wuz strictly home-made. 
Their glorious Rights, they had won in a walk — 
And every one now had full freedom to talk! 
The hul kentry reveled in Liberty's lap. 
And loosened its belt, and throwed up its red cap. 
The crowds frum Siberia were freed, and sent home ; 
And that added froth to the f ast-swellin' foam. 
A feller that's never had socks fer his toes, 
Scase knows how to act in a new suit uv clothes. 

156 



FLUBDUB AND OUT UV THE FIGHT. 

Twuz this way with Russia — and that's no fool's joke — 
When once she got balky and throwed off the yoke. 
The road she must travel runs close to the brink — 
If she holds her hosses, it's more than sum think. 

The Alleys were flustered, and all in a stew — 
They cudn't quite tell if the Bear wud stick thru. 
It looked on the surface, like things were all right ; 
And Russia seemed willin' to stay in the fight. 
The Dumy, and Dimmycrats, made a stiff pledge 
That they wud keep pushin' the Hun tow'rd the ledge. 
And wudn't let up till they had him shoved off — 
And give him the duckin' they'd give Romanoff ! 
The newly-hatched Giverment doubtless meant well, 
And every one 'lowed that its work wud soon tell. 
It started reforms, and tried hard to improve. 
And git the new Centiped back on the move. 
It made a fair showin', and got a good start. 
But soon arose symptoms uv spreadin' apart. 
The army had ketcht the new talkin* disease, 
And every one thot 'twuz jest do ez you please. 
Obeyin' cummands wuz no longer in style, 
And them that sed so were dumpt out on the pile. 
Debatin' Societies now held full sway. 
And no one need fight till he'd voted that way. 
An army where each is Cummander-in-Chief 
Is likely to find that its tenure is brief. 

A small sup uv freedom gives taste f er sum more. 
And that wuz the trubble the hul kentry o'er. 
The Grand Revolution give each his own say ; 
And, once he had sed it, it must be that way. 
The army and navy, and folks back at home, 
Kep talkin', and talkin', and went all to foam. 

157 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Pole must hev freedom, and so must the Finn, 
And them that wud go, none shud try to keep in. 
Great Russia seemed ready to fall all apart, 
And little wuz needed to give it a start. 
The Giverment struggled, and done what it cud, 
To keep matters regular, and make its word good. 
But, once let a snowball start rollin' down hill. 
And nuthin' kin stop it, er thwart its strong will. 
When long pent-up forces hev busted their bands. 
You never kin tell what you Ve got on yer hands. 
The grim, hungry monster shud not be released — 
To feed on hizself and enjoy the rich feast. 
His course must be guided, his energies used. 
And turned into channels had long bin abused. 
Provisional Giverments don't seem to last — 
Onless the provisions keep cumin' in fast. 
With every one talkin', and none to cut wheat, 
They still were expectin' to hev bread to eat. 
Decrees and Pronouncement don't make the grass grow — 
Before you kin reap, you must go forth and sow. 
But Grand Revolutionists, out on a spree, 
Think grub, and gold rubles, sprout on every tree. 
Prince Lvoff, and the fellers that had things in hand, 
Soon felt themselves slippin', and scasly cud stand. 
Milukoff , and Guchkoff , and uther -koff s, too, 
Diskivered themselves in a purty warm stew. 
They'd sed to the Alleys : ''We'll stand by yer side, 
And fight the thing thru, if it takes off the hide/' 
This didn't go down with a lot uv plain folk 
Who thot they'd hev peace, when they throwed off the yoke. 
They didn't want Turkey, ner even the Horn — 
But simply a chance to go home and plow corn. 

158 



FLUBDUB AND OUT UV THE FIGHT. 

So when they found out what these duffers had done, 
They all went together and started sum fun. 

The Giverment wriggled, and twisted about, 
And tried every loophole to find a way out. 
But them that were soldiers, and sailors, and sich. 
And all that were toilers and down in the ditch, 
Begun to suspishion that Nicky's big coat 
Had fallen on traitors, and they were the goat. 
The Grand Revolution, ez each had allowed, 
Wud drop a new Paradise down f rum the cloud. 
They'd live without work, and hev plenty uv land, 
And revel in luxuries on every hand. 
But soon they diskivered that all they hed got 
Wuz freedom to talk, and a chance to be shot. 
This wuzn't enuf , so they made up their mind 
That sumthin' must change, er their rulers wud find 
That sumbody else had a right to the say — 
And they'd be the ones eatin' cornstalks and hay. 
So, out went ol' Guchy, and Milukoff , too — 
And that, f er a time, seemed to settle the brew. 

Kerensky stept forth, a new Moses ontried, 
And all f er the moment 'peared well satisfied. 
They sent out a message to them uv their class 
To fight, in all lands, fer the rule uv the mass, 
Twuz peace that they wanted, but peace without guilt- 
Fer them that refused it, 'twuz war to the hilt. 
This give to the Alleys a fresh gleam uv hope ; 
Fer they 'lowed the Bear, with a little more rope, 
Wud soon wipe the Teutons clean off uv the earth, 
With none left to hamper fair Freedom's new birth. 
They reckoned Kerensky the man uv the hour — 
Fer he seemed possest uv a wunderful power. 

159 



PARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But down at the front things were in a bad shape ; 
Fer all had agreed to cut out the red-tape. 
Demoralization, it 'pears, had set in ; 
And fellers had stopt pluggin' one 'nuther's skin. 
No Man's Land had changed to Fraternity Hall — 
Where all met to shake, and shoot craps, and play ball. 
The guns were ez mute ez a mouse in the dark, 
And all uv their muskets stacked out in the park. 
The principal bizness uv each, ez it seems, 
Wuz tellin' his nabers his new-fangled dreams. 
"Since all men are brethren," they argued with force, 
"It's dead wrong to f oiler this hlood-lettin' course. 
Let's quit, and go home, and not fight enny more. 
And all pull together and hev the thing o'er." 
With feelin's like this runnin' thru every heart, 
'Twuz no little job to work up a fresh start. 
They'd found it wuz better to talk than to bleed — 
And why shud they die to glut sumbody's greed ? 
The Grand Revolution had promised them land ; 
So, why stand around with a gun in yer hand? 
Their minds were made up to go back to their own — 
Fer they were now rulers instid uv the Throne ! 

To counteract sich wuz no spring-chicken's job. 
And who tried it out might git cracked on the knob. 
Kerensky's the lad loves to hear hizself speak ; 
So, down the long front, he went like a red streak, 
And stirred up the natives thruout the hul line, 
And soon had 'em cumin' his way mighty fine. 
He told them the Grand Revolution wuz won ; 
And all they need do wuz to stick to their gun. 
And finish the job, and bring peace to the land — 
And then milk and honey wud ooze f rum the sand ! 

160 



FLUBDUB AND OUT UV THE FIGHT. 

It worked like a charm, and they all cum across, 
And swore they'd stand squarely behind the new boss. 
The Workmen, and Soldiers, and Peasants, and all, 
Vowed never to stop till the last throne shud fall. 
A new inspiration tuck hold uv each soul — 
And soon the steam-roller wuz startin' to roll. 

With Brussy to lead, and Kerensky to push. 
They'd roust the last Teuton right out uv the bush. 
It wuzn't no bluff ; and they went at it strong ; 
And 'fore you cud think, they were spludgin' along. 
They dashed o'er the Lipa, and went strait f er Stry, 
And give royal Charley a mighty black eye. 
They bagged fifty thousand, and all kinds uv loot, 
And hung the Huns high on the toe uv their boot. 
The world wuz dumf ounded to see sich a whack, 
Fer nobody thot that the bear cud cum back. 
They kep her a-fizzin', and never sed beans. 
Till half uv Galicia wuz safe in their jeans. 
The Kaisers woke up when they saw what wuz done ; 
Fer they had imagined the Bear wuz in fun. 
They never expected to git sich a bump. 
And thot they had Russia pushed out on the dump. 
It nettled 'em greatly, and made 'em both cross ; 
Fer they cudn't stand sich a cunfounded loss. 
The more they thot on it, the madder they grew ; 
And so, they decided 'twuz now time to do. 

Kerensky's fine speeches were makin' it tell. 
And everything seemed to be movin' quite well. 
But, all uv a suddent, it turned tail about. 
And Russia's grand legions were all in a rout. 
They'd made a fair showin', and kep courage up. 
Till William and Charley let loose sum fresh Krupp. 

161 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

This give 'em the shivers, and made their knees shake ; 
And soon they got wobbly, and started to break. 
Before you cud think it, things went all to smash ; 
And Brussy's great army wuz ground into hash. 
Along the hul line it wuz much the same way — 
The Bear had decided that fightin' don't pay ! 

They throwed down their weapons, and started to run ; 
And swore that they'd never be trapt by the Hun. 
'Twuz back to old Russia — and them in their path 
Must step to one side, er be singed by their wrath. 
Their gains were all lost in the blink uv an eye, 
And over the borders they hastened to fly. 
The Teutons kep foller'n' — ez fast ez they cud — 
And chased the last Muscovite out uv the wood. 
Kerensky's grand vision cullapsed — in a flight! 
The Bear had flubdubbed, and wuz out uv the fight. 
Three times he'd went forward, and thrice wuz hurled back ; 
"The third time's the charm" — onless Nature's a quack! 

What next will take place, surely none kin foretell ; 
But most people fear the Bear won't prosper well. 
When Grand Revolutions once git under way, 
They're apt to revolve a bit faster each day. 
Free Speech, and Free Land, and free every-thing-loose. 
Is bound to git sumbody's neck in a noose. 

When Giverments givern with no law in sight. 
They'll likely find uthers will claim the same right. 
The great Realm uv Russia seems jest a vast pot. 
Where all is a-sizzle, and gittin' blamed hot. 
It's down with the rulers, and down with the war. 
And down with the fellers you've got no use for. 
It's down, everything — and you'll find, at the last. 
It's down with the Bear, and his carcass bound fast ! 

162 



FLUBDUB AND OUT UV THE FIGHT. 

It's not very cheerin' to look on the sight ; 
But my jedgment is— the Bear's out uv the fight! 
So, leavin' the hotchpotch till sum future time, 
I'll hasten elsewhere to find food f er my rhyme. 



163 



CHAPTER XXV. 
THORNS IN THE FLESH. 

The Centrals, no doubt, had their trubbles within ; 
And menny sharp thorns that went clear thru the skin. 
The Alleys had more, if you knowed the inside. 
That struck a bit deeper than jest thru the hide. 
*'The rights uv small nations , and freedom fer all — 
In this sign we conquer, er by this we fall!" 
Sich wuz the grand slogan the Alleys flung out ; 
And sum thot they meant it, and started to shout. 
John Bull had spoke loudest, and made the most noise — 
He played fer a stand-in with all the small boys. 
It's jest a bit risky to make sich a break — 
You never kin tell where yer slogans will take. 

But John wuz the first to find out, f rum beneath, 
He'd better hev left his glib tongue in its sheath. 
Thruout the hul empire they pricked up their ears ; 
And sed, *'Now's the time to git gay without fears" 
The Boer in South Africa made a few tries ; 
But John beat him to it, and blacked both his eyes. 
The Indian kicked over, and stirred up a muss 
That worried John sick 'fore he'd settled the fuss. 
Australia got mulish; and sed to him, ''Nay; 
My hoys shan't he forced, if they don't keer to play." 
The loyal Canuck, tho he cum in vast herds. 
Flared up in sum spots and spoke mighty sharp words. 
He'd got his foot in it ; fer menny folks feel 
That Johnny's big boot hez a right heavy heel. 

164 



THORNS IN THE FLESH. 

While them afar off hadn't bucked very hard, 
Bold Erin cut loose right in Johnny's front yard. 
Fer nine thousand year — er sum less it may be — 
Poor Ireland had struggled, and tried to git free. 
They've had much experience, and purty well know 
What talent's required to put on a good show. 
You talk uv yer parrots, and Kilkenny Cats — 
But nuthing' kin equal yer Moikes and yer Pats. 
The hell they kin raise is no common-breed hell. 
But sumthin' makes Satan duck strait fer his cell. 
Six times they hev tried it, and six times hev failed — 
And six times were gibbeted, quartered, er jailed. 
So, Ireland's no amateur, when it cums down 
To throwin' off yokes, er disfigur'n' a crown. 

When John got too loud shoutin', ''Freedom's the stuff !"- 
They all sed together, ''We'll jest call his bluff." 
He'd promised Home Rule, and sich piffle ez that ; 
But every one knowed 'twuz mere talk thru his hat. 
It's freedom fer Belguim, and Serbia, and all — 
But Erin ferever hitched tight in the stall. 
That sort uv philanthropy wudn't go down ; 
And so, they went gunnin' to git Johnny's crown. 
He'd threatened cunscription to force 'em to fight, 
And laid on the levies without enny right ; 
And done everything that he thot he wud dare, 
Without gittin' Paddy too high in the air. 
You may be successful in pushin' a mule 
Right up to the troff ; but, onless I'm a fool. 
You can't make him drink, and you'd better look out, 
Er sumthin' is likely to land on yer snout. 
'Twuz that way with Johnny — ^he'd pushed it too far; 
And Erin wuz lay in' to give him a jar. 

165 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The plot wuz red-ripe fer the good Eastertide — 
With Right and Religion both aidin' their side. 
The Gaels, and Sinn Feiners, and Volunteers, too, 
Had all clanned together to shove the thing thru. 
The Hun strove to help, and put up a fair try — 
But Sir Roger's donkey got bift in the eye. 
Twuz now local talent to pull off the stunt, 
And give Johnny's foot-ball a final home punt. 

So, bold Paddy Pearce, and his dare-devil gang, 
Flung out the game challenge: ''Free Erin, er hang!" 
A bran new Republic sprung up over night ; 
With every last Micky jes' dyin' to fight. 
'Twuz, ''Down wid auld England, and her doirty rag; 
And hoigh the Republic, and Erin's green flag!" 
They made Dublin ring, and the hul kentry round, 
With yellin', and shoutin', and stampin' the ground. 
The brave Volunteers, by Jim Conolly led. 
Shot up the hul town, and left cart-loads uv dead. 
They grabbed the Post-Office, and Liberty Hall — 
And 'lowed Dublin Castle wud certainly fall. 
They kep her a-hummin', till every tomcat — 
And most uv the Paddys — were mixed in the spat. 

The Irish done nobly, and thot they had won; 
But Johnny sent Maxwell to settle their fun. 
A few rounds uv shell, and the hul thing caved in — 
With Britain's flag up where it always had bin. 
The new-hatched Republic had died at its birth, 
And Erin's grand vision fell flat to the earth. 
The Emerald rag wuz no more to be seen — 
And nuthin' else found that show'd trimmin's uv green. 
A court wuz set up, and each tried on the spot ; 
And all were found guilty, and every one shot. 

166 



THORNS IN THE FLESH. 

The hul blarney Giverment lost its blamed head, 
And soon saw its carcass stacked up with the dead. 

Republics in Ireland, like snakes, they don't be! 
It's always elsewhere that folks seem to be free. 
Sum uthers were murdered, and sum sent to jail — 
To make sure that Liberty always must fail. 
Sir Roger wuz sent to the Tower to hang — 
And that wuz the end uv the hul durn shebang ! 

What Erin may do in the future, none knows — 
But Liberty sticks when it gits in yer clothes. 
or England may find, to her sorrow, sum day, 
That robbin' and kickin' poor Ireland don't pay. 

While Johnny wuz pluckin* these thorns frum his hide, 
The Alleys found uthers still prickin' their side. 
Fair Hellas had got in a terrible fix. 
And nuthin' seemed left but her croakin' and kicks. 
The Land uv Immortals, and Thermopylaes^ 
Wuz now a base weaklin', and down on her knees. 
"The rights uv small nations are sacred to us!'* — 
The Alleys proclaimed ez they entered the fuss. 
But soon 'twuz diskivered that only sich right 
Wuz guaranteed them that were willin' to fight. 
Shud small fish be swollered, er left in their skin, 
Depended, at most, on how best they cud win. 
Since Russia had stumbled, and went all to sticks. 
The Alleys no longer cud stand fer base tricks. 
To make matters safe fer the oncumin' push, 
'Twuz roust every rattle-snake out uv the bush. 

The story uv Greece barkens back a long ways, 
And spinnin' it all wud use up sev'ral days. 
So, I will jes' tell what is needful to know. 
To give her a place in the passin' big show. ;•>. 

167 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Greece dotes on her freedom, ez all must cunf ess — 
But sumtimes that's apt to git folks in a mess. 
She'd doft the Turk's yoke menny decades before, 
And since had stood ready to guard her back door. 
But England and Russia and France, at her birth. 
Had given her most everything she wuz worth. 
They'd give her her laws, and her liberty, too — 
And if she had trubbles, they'd see her right thru. 
But, one thing they'd given that wuzn't so well. 
And later turned out so, ez I shall soon tell. 
They'd give her a Throne that wuz not uv Greek brand, 
And filled it with aliens f rum sum furre'n Land. 
Frum time out uv mem'ry, whatever the pass, 
The Greeks hated kings ez the Devil hates Mass. 
But, 'spite uv it all, they were forced to hev one — 
And that's bin the source uv the most uv their fun. 

When Georgy got plugged, the next sucker in line, 
Accordin' to Hoyle, wuz the bald Constantine. 
He hadn't much hair 'twixt his hat and his brain — 
And most people 'lowed his good wife cud explain. 
Fer she's uv the brood uv proud William the Grand ; 
And that seemed to give added strength to her hand. 

The Greeks hed mixed up in the Balkan affray. 
When Turkey wuz slaughtered and carted away. 
They also were there when they tried to divide. 
And each wanted all, with the feathers and hide. 
It fell to their lot to take part in the fight 
That trimmed up the Bulgar, and drest him down right. 
'Twuz then they got friendly, and promised Serb Pete 
That they wud stand by him, and brace up his feet, 
If Ferdy shud ever git on a high hoss. 
And try to make people think he wuz the boss. 

168 



THORNS IN THE FLESH. 

This promise to Peter's what got 'em in bad — 
And finally robbed 'em uv most that they had. 

When War smashed the kennel and let loose his dogs, 
And all started hoppin' like frightened bullfrogs, 
The Greeks were oncertain jest where they were at, 
And done what they cud not to mix in the spat. 
Sum yelled f er the Alleys, and sum f er the Hun ; 
While uthers kep cam, and sed, ''Wait fer the munJ' 
The plain folks, it seems, were fer fleecin' the Turk, 
And helpin' the Alleys along with their work. 
But Tino, it 'pears, cudn't git thru his craw 
'Twuz wisdom to tackle his big brother'n-law. 
So, holdin' their bosses, they sort o' looked on. 
And tried to size up how the thing wuz a-go'n'. 
They wanted to fight, if they entered the list, 
With them that cud smite with the heaviest fist. 
They fared purty well till ol' Ferdy got gay ; 
And that wuz the signal to git in the fray. 
Their promise to Peter must now be made good; 
And every one reckoned 'twuz time to saw wood. 
But Tino got balky, and kicked o'er the trace ; 
And that give the Alleys a bat in the face. 
Then bold Venizelos steps right to the front. 
And sez, "Greece disowns sich a cowardly stunt!" 

This started the ball, and the fur 'gan to fly — 
And, 'twixt Prince and People, Greece got a black eye. 
The Alleys rushed in to pick up the spilt milk; 
And that meant a fracas with — Tino, and ilk! 
He'd sold soul and body, and kentry to boot. 
And turned 'em all over to William to loot. 
But sum wudn't stand fer sich doin's ez that. 
And started to yelpin' right out thru their hat. 

169 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They'd promised ol' Peter, but flunked on the job ; 

And Serbia had got it right plumb on the knob. 

To square themselves now, they must walk purty strait, 

And not go a fishin' without hevin' bait. 

They went all about tellin' tales on the king, 

Till he got his neck purty close to a sling. 

It might hev bin better, betwixt you and me, 

If they'd swung him up on a green olive-tree. 

It 'don't pay to trifle with kings, er what not. 

When half uv the world is stood up to be shot. 

The Alleys hev claims on the Greeks that won't down — 

So, why take the sass uv a two-by-four Crown? 

They'd stood fer a lot f rum His Impudent Nibs, 
But finally jabbed him right strait in the ribs. 
They made him cum down frum his prancin' high-hoss, 
And showed him that sumbody else wuz the boss. 
They grabbed his Post Office, and Telegraph lines. 
And all uv his Railways, and uther combines. 
And blocked up his harbors, then tuck his last gun. 
To keep him frum schemin' to help out the Hun. 
This made him cry ''Tyrant T and squeal like a pig. 
And upset the talcum and spile his new wig. 
He told the hul earth how his people were wronged ; 
And, if sich cunditions were f urder prolonged. 
They all wud be starved, and the kentry itself 
Put clean out uv bizness, and laid on the shelf. 
But what ground him most, wuz to see a plain dub 
Like ol' Venizelos git next to the grub. 
And be touted round like a fresh bride-and-groom, 
While he wuz locked up in a little back room. 

The Alleys were minded to make themselves safe. 
And didn't much keer how His Highness shud chafe; 

170 



THOENS IN THE FLESH. 

Fer, bein* ez slipp'ry ez enny blamed eel, 

The more they wud pinch him, the more he wud squeal. 

They didn't propose to be stabbed in the back ; 

And so they had sewed him right up in a sack. 

And hurdled him off to the Peloponnese — 

With all uv his trickery, and treason to Greece. 

They give Venizelos a mighty free hand, 
And looked up to him ez the boss uv the Land. 
It made Tino rage when he saw what wuz done — 
He straitway went plottin' to help out the Hun. 
To be dubbed a king, then let uther guys rule, 
Made him out a jackass, and all the world's fool. 
He fretted and pouted, and done lots uv dirt. 
And kep rubbin' in till it started to hurt. 
The Alleys went on, in their usual way. 
And tried not to heed what the sucker wud say. 
They 'lowed he'd cam down, and be half way a man ; 
But hinted, if not, they wud give him the can. 

It didn't result ez they reckoned it shud ; 
And so they decided 'twuz time to make good. 
They give him the boot-toe, and sent him sky-high, 
And landed him up where the weather wuz dry. 
But when he cum down, he wuz glad to cut loose — 
And save his blamed neck f rum a well-deserved noose. 
He slunk off to Cheeseland, where all the rogues go, 
And jined the king's table on boardin'-house row. 

This ended the trubble, and all hez camed down — 
And now little Alec is wearin' the crown. 
The Greeks hev jined in to help on with the fight — 
The Alleys are happy, and everything's right. 
The thorn wuz plucked out, and the flesh hez healed up, 
And all are well groomed fer the cumin' uv Krupp. 

171 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Whatever may chance at Saloniki's door, 
The thing is much safer than ever before. 
So, leavin' it thus, I will hasten away. 
And try to keep step with the march uv the fray. 



172 



CHAPTER XXVI. 
GRAND RUFF-AND-TUMBLE. 

When Bruin cullapsed, and fell down in the road, 
The Alleys suspected he'd shot his last load. 
It worried them much, f er they clearly foresaw 
That William wud swoller him, hide, heels, and claw. 
They felt a bit trembly sumwhere round the knees ; 
Fer now, both the Kaisers cud do ez they please, 
And plant a few millions about, here and there. 
And soon hev their nippers in sumbody's hair. 
They set right to work stiff *nin' up their backbones, 
And fillin' their pockets with all sorts uv stones, 
Preparin' to crack enny mutt on the snout 
That they cud find prowlin', er snootin' about. 

They'd tied a tin-can to bald Tino's stub-tail, 
And sent him a-skitin' off on a new trail. 
Their aim wuz to heal all the sore spots they cud, 
And git their saw set fer all kinds uv tuff wood. 
Onless sure signs failed, they were in fer sum fun ; 
And, 'fore Sam arrived, might be on the dead run. 
To offset this danger ez much ez they might. 
They thot it wuz best jest to pitch in and fight. 
So, rollin' their sleeves up, they made sum bold stabs; 
And William and Charley got purty stiff jabs. 
Twuz Grand Ruff-and-Tumhle along the hul front, 
With each one perf ormin' his own special stunt. 

When Hindy got gay, and pulled in his long horns, 
He reckoned he'd fixed 'em f rum trampin' his corns. 

173 



PARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But soon he diskivered, much to his surprize, 
That sumthin' wuz cumin' that opened his eyes. 
While safe in the middle, he found, at each end. 
The gate wuzn't locked, and he'd hev to defend. 
Sir Haig in the north, and bold Niville down south. 
Were reachin' to biff him one square in the mouth. 
They went at it bruskly with hammer and tong. 
And purty soon matters were movin' along. 

Haig struck at Arras, with the might uv a Mars, 
And landed a blow that made William see stars. 
'Twuz good Eastertide ; but that made little odds — 
Fer this wuz no time fer beseechin' the gods. 
'Twuz Thor that they worshipt — no Nazarene meek — 
And only the guns were permitted to speak. 
They rumbled and rolled, and shuck hell in their path. 
And never let up till they'd vented their wrath. 
Then out leapt the Tommies and grappled the foe. 
And soon had him groggy, and full on the go. 
They cleaned up the town, and the hul kentry round. 
And tuck all the loot that wuz there to be found — 
Twice ten-thousand Boches, and two-hundred guns. 
Beside all the rubbish and onburied Huns, 
or Hindy got nervous, and started to chafe ; 
Fer he thot that no one cud break in his safe. 
But sum fellers always find ways to do things — 
And these are the laddies that clip the high wings. 

While Tommy wuz gittin' astride Hindy's neck, 
Out rushed, like a cyclone that nuthin' cud check. 
The hul blasted pack uv dare-devil Canucks, 
And made the Huns flee like a flock uv wild ducks. 
They hit Vimy Ridge right betwixt the two eyes. 
And bunted the Boche clean up to the skies ; 

174 



GRAND RUFF-AND-TUMBLE. 

And when he cum down dealt anuther swift punch 
That doubled and twisted him all in a bunch. 
They evened things up f er the gassin' they'd got 
When Heine first opened his hell-breathin' pot. 
They'd loosened the hinges on Hindy's front door, 
And pried it wide open, and spit on his floor. 

But Haig and his gang didn't run the hul show ; 
And while they were hammer'n', ol' Niville let go. 
And hit so durn fast that the Hun cudn't tell 
Where one blow had lit till anuther had fell. 
Frum Soissons to Rheims, and a bit f urder east. 
He kep spreadin' out his grim, blood-laden feast. 
He gript the south pivot uv Hindy's strong line. 
And wore all the rust off, and burnished it fine. 
Right o'er the Aisne river, went lickety-cut. 
And slid into Vailly ez slick ez a gut. 
He slathered their trenches, and captured their guns. 
And littered the earth up with fragments uv Huns. 
He scaled the high knobs west uv Berry-au-Bac, 
And landed Craonne at a single bold whack. 
He cleaned the Aisne Stables, and got up more speed 
Than ol' Hercules in perf ormin' his deed. 
He bravely assailed the proud Chemin-de-Dames, 
And what he done there added feathers to fame. 
Along the hul front, he made William cunfess 
That things were mixed up in a horrible mess. 

But Hindy's no feller to set round and smoke. 
And take all yer jabbin' ez jest a mere joke. 
He pulled things together, and started right back. 
And give Niville's bunch a most onearthly whack. 
The French had gone in to roll up his hul line. 
And everything seemed to be pannin' out fine. 

175 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But, once the big buffers had 'iled up their jints 
And got on the move, Frenchy learnt sum new p'ints. 
With three-hundred-thousand fresh Huns on their necks, 
Things 'peared mighty blue, lookin' out thru their specs. 
When Hindy moved in, he had gone there to stay, 
And didn't propose to pull out the next day. 
So, bucklin' right down, they stood pat on the job, 
And slugged every poilu that stuck up his knob. 
They kep the pot sizzlin' the hul summer thru. 
And neither side knowed what the uther wud do. 
But one thing is certain, oV Hindy remained — 
And Niville paid dearly f er all he had gained. 

While down to the southward both 'peared to be stuck, 
On up f urder north, they kep runnin' amuck. 
or Haig went a-jabbin' to find a soft spot — 
But mostly drawed back when his jabber got hot. 
He'd made sev'ral thrusts, and advanced his front trench, 
But found out that Hindy wuz still speakin' French. 
The Rhine and Berlin were yet far frum his reach, 
And nought cud be gained without makin' a breach. 

If Britain wud win, she must break thru the line. 
And fight the thing out while the weather wuz fine. 
In spite uv all failures, they'd make a new try, 
And teach the Black Eagle which way he shud fly. 

It takes a long head to fetch matters about 
Fer pluckin' yer enemy right by the snout. 
But Haig thot he had it, and spent sev'ral years 
A-gittin' things ready, ez now it appears. 
Without a suspishion, he'd toiled under ground 
With acres uv dynamite layin' around. 
He worked it blamed slick, so the Hun wudn't know — 
Till all uv a suddent the thing wuz let go ! 

176 



GRAND RUFF-AND-TUMBLE. 

It blowed up Messines — and sent it so high, 
It ketcht a bad cold soarin' up thru the sky ; 
While all that wuz left uv the hul blasted Ridge 
Wud scase make the span uv a pissymire's bridge. 

When Fritzy cum down, he had no place to light, 
Fer every durn thing had gone clean out uv sight. 
The Tommies rushed in, like a swell uv the sea. 
And flooded the ground where the Huns use to be. 
They poured thru the rift in the enemy's line, 
With all uptydupty and everything fine. 
But Hindy had heerd it, and made a grand dive. 
And picked up the pieces that still were alive. 
And made fer the hole where the foe had broke thru, 
And plugged it up tight while the thing wuz still new. 
This thro wed a wet blanket on Johnny's high hopes ; 
Fer he wuz dead sure he wuz onto the ropes. 
And soon wud hev William pushed over the edge, 
And landed clean down at the foot uv the ledge. 

But never let up is the slogan that wins ; 
And when Johnny's thwarted, he jes' sort o' grins. 
Then sets strait about spinnin' out sum new schemes 
To keep Heine bizzy with onpleasant dreams. 
The Summer wuz passin', and things must be done 
To worry and flurry and fluster the Hun. 
So Haig moved his cannons, and all uv his store. 
Right up into Flanders, thru Albert's side door. 
When things were made ready, he started to shoot — 
While Tommy rushed in to give Fritzy the boot. 
The likes uv the thunder and hail that broke loose 
Hez never bin equaled since Hi stole the goose. 
'Twuz tit fer tat sure, in a spuddle uv mud, 
And everything plastered all over with blood. 

1T7 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They wriggled, and rassled, and twisted like eels, 

And paid no attention to one *nuther's squeals. 

They went fer the pill-boxes where the Huns hid. 

With bombs, and hot pokers, and pried off the lid, 

And punched out the rabbits, and made 'em skidoo 

Right back to the cages — when they cud git thru ! 

Fer forty-nine days, they kep on with the muss.. 

Thru mud, muck, and muddle, that made 'em all cuss. 

The rains kep descendin' to cool down their ire — 

And finally everything stuck in the mire. 

Both sides were durn glad to cut loose frum the mix, 

Fer all hands cunf ess they were in a bad fix. ^ 

While strugglin' in Flanders, and down on the Aisne, 
To stave off bold Haig, and the doughty Petain, 
01' Hindy found out, to his utter surprize. 
That sumthin' had smote him right plumb 'twixt the eyes. 
Without ever thinkin', er dreamin' sich thing. 
He all at once felt it cum-smack-and-go-Byng ! 

Sir Julian, neglectin' to tell a lone soul. 
Had made preparations to punch a big hole 
Right thru the strong bulwark that Hindy had built — 
And soon they were into it up to the hilt. 
He'd gethered sum acres uv hell-breathin' Tanks, 
And had 'em all hitched round behind the clay-banks. 
So, when he wuz ready, and signaled the "GoT — 
It sure wuz the start uv a durn merry show. 
The Hun wuz ketcht nappin', and swep off his feet. 
And turned topsyturvy, and razzled cumplete. 
The thing wuz so ?iot;e^ — fer no gun had spoke — 
And sum thot at first it wuz jest a huge joke. 
But soon the Hun found he wuz ketcht in a box — 
Sir Byng, and not Hindy, had turned out the fox! 

178 



GRAND RUFF-AND-TUMBLE. 

The web-footed monsters went chuggin* along, 
A-smashin' wire-fences, no difference how strong, 
And leapin' the trenches, and snortin' out hell. 
And sent the Huns sprawling and tumblin' pellmell. 
They paid no attention to things in their way. 
But made a bee-line fer the walls uv Cambrai. 
When once they had brushed all the stones frum their path. 
The Tommies rushed forth, like a storm in its wrath. 
And trampled the foe 'neath the foot uv their might. 
And soon had the Boche kicked clean out uv sight. 
Then up cum the fellers that fight on hoss-back, 
And dealt him anuther two-shots-f er-one whack 
That kep him a-rollin' right on toward the Rhine, 
With no chance to stop, er take breath, er port wine. 
They pushed him five miles 'fore they ever let up, 
And knocked all the stuffin' right out uv or Krupp, 
And had Hindy rattled, and high in the air. 
With things all to pieces a-most everywhere. 
or Byng wuz dead certain he had Hindy's goat. 
And felt hizself sailin* in Glory's high boat. 

It don't do to be too cocksure uv yer fame, 
Fer sumtimes you miss when you're nearest yer game. 
It so happened here, fer ol' Fritz dropt his fright. 
And faced square about and trimmed Tommy up right. 
He rolled him, and bowled him, back over the hills. 
And stuft down his windpipe sum dum bitter pills. 
He tuck all the trenches and towns he had lost. 
And made Tommy's vict'ry look much like a frost. 
When all had blowed over, they'd made but small gain — 
And that give the Lion anuther sharp pain ! 

This ended the fightin' ; fer Autumn had fled. 
And Winter's white mantle soon cuvered the dead. 

179 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Frum Easter to Christmas, wherever you'd went, 
'Twuz Grand Ruff-and-Tumhle, and blood without stint. 
The Alleys gained sum, but the Huns held their own ; 
And that wuz their bizness, ez later 'twuz shown. 

The Kaisers were schemin* to make Victor sing — 
I'll next aim to show how they dipt his high wing! 



180 



CHAPTER XXVII. 
WHEN HELL AND THE ALPS BROKE LOOSE. 

Sum months had slid by since or Joseph, now dead, 
Had dropt frum the clouds upon Victor's proud head. 
It teacht him a lesson, and humbled his pride. 
And made him cum down frum his high hoss, beside. 
And jine with the Alleys, and let William go, 
And not try to run a one-fiddle side-show. 
He now set with big fellers right in the game. 
And played f er high stakes, and a glorious name. 
This edged up his nerve, and give strength to his wrist, 
And added new punch to his hard-hittin' fist. 
He had a man's load, and he bore it right well — 
But how it turned out, I will venture to tell. 

When Russia slipt up, and got stuck in the slou, 
It made uthers shoulder what she'd aimed to do. 
Along with his pals, Victor boldly had sed, 
*'ril do my full sheer, if it takes off my head,'' 
So, 'ilin' things up, ol' Cadorny wades in. 
And soon had 'em spludgin' clear up to the chin. 
He had a hard job ; fer the Alps, ez you know. 
Stood square in his path, and thru them he must go. 
But, 'spite uv it all, he wud bag Charley's goat ; 
So, every last Dago jest laid off his coat. 
And rolled up his shirt-sleeves, and spit on his hands. 
And sed, ''Now's the time to swipe king Charley's lands,' 

Trentino's ruff sleddin', so out f urder east 
He thot he wud try it, and strike strait fer Trieste. 

181 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The high Julian Alps is no boys' play to climb — 

But this he must do, disregardin' the time. 

The ragin' Isonzo lies deep in its bed, 

And erossin' this stream hez cost menny a head. 

But fightin' Cadorny's no feller to fear — 

And when he starts movin', things soon seem to clear. 

He'd landed Gorizia a long while before. 

And that's the first step to friend Charley's back door. 

With this in his hands, he cud risk a new push 

That might roust the foe out uv mountain and bush. 

Way up' mung the peaks, where the weather is cold. 

He had f er his helper, Capello the bold ; 

While Aosta's Duke wuz a bit furder down — 

With skybugs and monitors flttin' aroun'. 

The Austrians felt fairly safe in their dens. 
And 'lowed that nobody cud git at their skins. 
The sullen Isonzo, with walls none cud scale. 
Had reared a firm bulwark that never shud fail. 
But, 'spite uv its terrors, and not knowin' how, 
The river wuz crossed, without bridge, boat, er scow, 
And soon they diskivered, right down at their feet. 
The Dagoes ez thick ez the dust in the street. 
They'd dumb the bare rocks, without pickaxe er spade. 
And mounted the crest uv the grand palisade. 
And when the Dawn sprung f rum the bowels uv Night, 
Were there spic-and-span, and all ready fer fight. 

Not waitin' a moment, they lunged at the foe, 
And rolled him, and bowled him, and landed Cucco. 
Then down tow'rd huge Hermada, hurtled him back; 
And if he dared halt dealt anuther fresh whack, 
And never let up till the hul blasted line, 
Frum mountains to sea, wuz all riddled up fine. 

182 



WHEN HELL AND THE ALPS BROKE LOOSE. 

Fer twenty-five days, they kep hammer'n* his head, 
Till oncounted thousands lay wounded er dead. 
Cadorny had showed 'em what It'ly kin do, 
When once she is minded to see a thing thru. 

The first spasms over, they rested a spell; 
And made a new league with the Devil and Hell. 
The gorge had bin crossed, and a footin' wuz won, 
And now all wuz groomed fer the frolic and fun. 
They started right in, f rum Tolmino to sea. 
And every last Dago seemed out on a spree. 
Frum tow'rin' Mont Nero to Panzano Bay, 
Each feller cut loose, and went blazin' away. 
With numberless fighters, and guns without stint, 
They plunged strait ahead, and tuck all ez they went. 
They smashed Monte Santo, and old Joseph's shrine. 
And left not a vestige uv Virgin er wine. 
They swep o'er Bainsizza, the Holy Ghost Land, 
And ground every Hunky and rock-pile to sand. 
They scaled lofty Gabriel, and Saint Daniel high. 
And grappled the foe right up next to the sky. 
The turtle-back mountain that guards the Carso, 
They pummeled onceasin', and wudn't let go. 
A sizzlin' inferno, that moved Hell to smiles. 
Encircled the front fer about forty miles. 
Cadorny wuz there, filled with wrath and blood-lust, 
And vowed it wuz strait fer Vianny, er bust. 
He had Charley sweatin', and William upset; 
Fer neither cud tell how the thing wud end yet. 
To them lookin' on, matters seemed in fine shape ; 
And every one 'lowed the Hun cudn't escape. 

But war is a bizness that makes it onwise 
To build yer air-castles too close to the skies. 

183 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Balloons, ez a rule, hevn't very sure feet. 

And 'pear a bit top-heavy, when most cumplete. 

Cadorny's grand vision went movin' so fast, 

It dazzled all eyes to behold it whiz past. 

But speed ain't the only thing needful in war — 

A bit uv precaution gives hostage to Thor. 

A chain's jest ez strong ez its own weakest link; 

And oftentimes snaps where there's least cause to think. 

When Victor felt sure he wuz on Charley's back, 

He suddently heerd sumthin' startin' to crack. 

It smote on his soul like the drop uv a noose — 

Fer soon he found — Hell and the Alps had broke loose. 

Without ever cheepin', er speakin' a word. 
Wise William sent Below to round up the herd. 
He gumshoed about till he found a weak spot. 
And there stacked his chips every one in the pot. 
Cadorny, dead certain he had the thing cinched. 
Not even suspishioned that he cud git pinched. 
The siren uv Vict'ry had lulled him to sleep. 
And that give the wolf a good chance at the sheep, 
or Below's no yearlin', and knows the game well. 
And don't keer to hit till his hittin' will tell. 
So, gether'n' about him a huge host uv Huns, 
And great piles uv bullets, and acres uv guns. 
He quietly waited till things were jest ripe. 
And then he dealt Victor an onearthly swipe. 
He struck him right square where the strikin' wuz good — 
And sprawlin' he went, over mountain and wood. 

Up near Caporetto's the place they broke thru ; 
And soon the hul kentry wuz all in a stew. 
01' Below struck fast, and he struck so durnd hard 
That all the Alps trembled, and everything jarred. 

184 



WHEN HELL AND THE ALPS BROKE LOOSE. 

He soon had 'em movin*, and full on the go — 
And, take it f rum me, he had started sum show ! 
He shot thru the passes, and rounded 'em up. 
And melted the rocks with his blizzards uv Krupp. 
The Dagoes got shaky, and lost all their nerve. 
And soon the hul line wuz beginnin' to swerve. 
He rolled 'em down valleys, and over the streams. 
And tuck all the starch out uv Victor's proud dreams. 
Cadomy got addled, and turned ghostly pale ; 
Fer all he cud hear wuz the thunder and hail. 
Rome shuck to its core, and ol' Caesar's dry bones 
Stood up on their shanks, and let out a few groans. 
The Goth and the Vandal had cum once again 
To spread desolation o'er valley and plain. 

Old Below crunched on with his Juggernaut damned. 
And right thru the mountains its ruthless nose jammed. 
It et up the Dagoes, like Giants eat flies. 
And never once stopt to give heed to their cries. 
It swep down the gorges, and over the plain, 
And strewed in its pathway, death, wreckage, and pain. 
It leapt the Isonzo, with darin' and dash, 
And Victor's air-castles cum down with a crash. 
His armies were smote with cunf usion and dread, 
And left countless pris'ners, and acres uv dead. 
Right back frum Bainsizza, and Carso, they fell — 
Thru smoke, and red ruin, and blue-blazin' hell. 
Capello cum first, with his dare-devil bunch ; 
The Duke f ollered quick, fer he soon tuck the hunch. 
The gains they had made, and the glory they'd won. 
Went all to k'smash before William's big gun. 

The highways were cluttered with flotsam and drift — 
Fer millions were fleein', but not very swift. 

185 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Dogs, mules, carts, and monkeys, and all sorts uv stuff. 

Were gittin' away, er were makin* the bluff. 

Their cities were burning their homes were aflame. 

And menny fair villages left but a name. 

The grime, and the smoke, and the terrible gloom. 

Made every one feel 'twuz the crackin' uv Doom ; 

While over it all, hung the roar uv the guns — 

The burstin* uv shells, and the shouts uv the Huns. 

No painter kin picture, no words kin portray, 

The horrors that fell on that fair autumn day. 

Tho battered, and spattered, and beaten to earth, 
Cadorny's grand army here found a new birth. 
They'd done fairly well thunder'n' up thru the Alps — 
But now it wuz hustle, to save their own scalps. 
Their homes, and their firesides, and all they held dear. 
Now hung in the balance, and that banished fear. 
Tho stript uv their guns, and their sabers, and all. 
They swore that no Hun cud push them to the wall. 
So, bucklin' right down, every feller stood fast; 
And sed, ''We kin die, but they'll never git past." 
They went at the foe with a devil-born rage. 
And f ot like mad lions locked up in a cage. 

It made little odds what the Dago might say, 
or Below's big fist kep a-poundin' away. 
Frum river to river, o'er mountain and brake, 
His thunderbolts smote, leavin' nought in their wake. 
They rumbled, and tumbled, and tore up the ground. 
And spread irretrievable ruin around. 
Frum Cividale strait to Codroipo they went, 
And left Udine with its vigor all spent. 
The Tagliamento, they crossed with a leap. 
And scattered the Dagoes like shepherdless sheep. 

186 



I 



WHEN HELL AND THE ALPS BROKE LOOSE. 

Frum lofty Cortino, and Tolmezzo high, 

They dropt on the foe like a blight frum the sky. 

Right o'er the Livenza, they went with a dash, 

And ancient Belluno cum down with a crash. 

The Dolomites fell on proud Asiago, 

And went rollin' on tow'rd the valleys below. 

The Alps had broke loose, frum Trentino to Trieste, 

And spread in their path a Gorgonian feast. 

Rome's foundations trembled, and Victor's throne shuck, 

And Venice tuck wings, and flew out uv the muck. 

or Joseph looked up, frum his flamin' repast. 

And sez, "The durn traitor's got jestice at last!*' 

It seemed f er a time ez if all had bin lost ; 
And Victor wuz doomed to pay jedgment, with cost. 
But 'fore the Huns reached the grand plaza uv Rome, 
And had all the Dagoes skedaddled off home, 
They found the Piave wuz still in their path. 
Defended by It'ly in all uv her wrath. 
She'd throwed the last scrap uv her might in the scale. 
And that turned the tide — and so endeth my tale ! 

The earthquake had struck, and had crumpled the Alps; 
And William and Charley had bagged lots uv scalps. 
Proud Victor had got a fresh punch in the snout 
That swelled it up so that he scase cud see out. 
Cadorny wuz pelted, and hung up to dry ; 
While Diaz fell heir to his slice uv the pie. 
It minded folks sum uv Czar Nicky's Grand Duke ; 
Fer he had once staged purty much the same fluke. 
The Alleys are sure a success at one feat — 
Fer all must admit they are hell on retreat! 
This latest fiasco makes people ask why 
Bad luck must keep f allin' on them frum the sky. 

187 



I 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But Sammy wuz cumin' — and that wuz their hope ! 
And so, they hung onto the end uv the rope. 

Thus, leavin' proud Victor, I'll hasten away — 
And trust he'll fare better at sum future day. 



188 



CHAPTER XXVIII. 
SAMUEL ON THE MOVE. 

Tho Sam had bin tricked, and plucked right by the snout, 
He didn't go sulkin', er sniffln' about. 
He rushed boldly in, with his lofty appeals — 
His brood uv Democracies right at his heels. 
'Twuz Cuby and Pannymaw, Siam and Greece, 
And heathen Chinee with his millions uv geese, 
And most uv Ameriky, Central and South — 
With shout on their lips, and deceit in their mouth. 
It made William tremble, and shake to his toes, 
To see the hul earth stickin' fast to his clothes. 
But Samuel's the chap that kin lead the small boys, 
And git 'em excited, and stir up a noise. 
It's freedom they like — with a windy hurrah — 
And Liberty, dipt uv her talons and claw. 

When once he wuz in, and had put on the drab. 
He quick showed 'em all that he wuzn't no scab. 
He stood 'fore the glass, and admired his new suit, 
And 'lowed, in sich trappin's, he'd soon learn to shoot. 
He brushed all the cobble-stones out uv his hair, 
And set strait about to roust Fritz f rum his lair. 
He knowed that a feller ain't much in a fight 
Onless all his feelin's are keyed up jest right. 
It's hate, you must hev, f er the guy you go for — 
And that's the main thing in preparin' fer war. 
While gether'n' yer laddies, and bullets, and guns. 
Don't overlook this — that it's hatin' the Huns, 

189 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

That makes 'em hike up on their hind legs and go, 
And bustle right in to the midst uv the show. 
Sam didn't neglect to go at it this way — 
And soon had 'em ragin', and ripe fer the fray. 
It's his disposition to run to extremes, 
And let nuthin' stand in the way uv his dreams. 
So, if what he does seems a little bit strange, 
Remember, he's not so long off uv the range. 

Sam's husky fer Liberty , Jestice, and Right — 
And that wuz his slogan on enter'n' the fight. 
His grandest pretentions, it seems, were fergot 
Before he had scase dumpt hiz goose in the pot. 
The Fourth uv July, he kicked to a cocked-hat ; 
The OV Constitution, served still worse than that. 
Free Speech, and Free Press, and fair Freedom herself. 
He throttled, and strangled, and laid on the shelf. 
He shet every mouth up that dared utter f ac's. 
And jumpt on his statesmen, and broke all their backs. 
The things he wuz fightin' fer, over the foam. 
He wudn't permit fer a minute round home. 
The Reds, he wuz urgin' to git William's goat. 
When found over here, he tuck right by the throat. 
He stuft all his prisons, and cluttered his jails, 
And set sneakin' blood-hounds on good people's trails. 
The hul kentry shuck with a tremblin' and fear. 
And all were cowed down like a herd uv wild deer. 
They done lots uv thinkin', but wudn't speak out ; 
Fer no one cud tell who wuz snoopin' about. 
When blood's on the conscience, it makes tyrants feel 
The only safe way is to fetch down the heel. 
That's what Sammy done ; fer if he wud succeed 
In makin' onwillin' folks stand up and bleed, 

190 



SAMUEL ON THE MOVE. 

He'd hev to cum strong, and use force without stint — 
And that's how he worked it wherever he went. 
But war is a bizness where foolin* don't pay — 
And that's why it wuz he crushed all in his way. 

Sam scase had got in, when the ''beggars" all cum — 
Draped out in fine feathers, with trumpet and drum. 
They went all about blowin' off their bazzoos. 
And spilin' good chicken, and soppin' up booze, 
And grandstandin' round front uv vast shoutin' crowds, 
A-makin' fools think glory fell f rum the clouds. 
They'd cum to advise him jest how to proceed — 
And sort o' suggest what each duffer might need ! 
Uv course, Sammy's rich, and hez got lots uv dough — 
And so, they were willin' to scrape, and kotow. 
They all were dead anxious, when time to disburse, 
To git their lean fingers in Sammy's long purse. 
They'd called him hard names — 'fore he stept in the ring — 
But now he wuz in, he wuz jest the hul thing. 
01' Joffre, and Balfour, and uther wise guys, 
Had cum to help Sammy pry open his eyes. 
Before they got thru, they had done the job right — 
And Samuel plain saw he wuz in f er a fight. 
They told him if he wud dig up the masume, 
'Twud help matters out, and give bizness a boom. 
They had lots uv soldiers, but needed the mun — 
Fer that makes the mare go, and keeps up the fun. 
So, when he had promised them all that he had. 
And taken their notes, good, indiff'rent, and bad, 
They then dropt a hint — jest to send a few troops, 
To cheer up their laddies, and give 'em the whoops. 
Sam sure is sum tenderfoot, when it cums down 
To bein' tuck in by the tricks uv a clown. 

191 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But he had made vows he wud git William's skin ; 
So, jerkin' his shirt off, he waded right in. 
He turned his hul kentry to arsnels and camps — 
On them that pulled backward, he fetched down the clamps. 
He had mun to burn ; and he burnt it so fast 
That most people 'lowed he'd gone dippy, at last. 
He paid f er each service, and substance, he bot. 
Full ten times ez much ez the seller had sot. 
He wanted the world to think he had the stuff. 
And knowed how to blow it — and this wuz enuf ! 
The price uv his mules, and his planes, and his socks, 
Wud send enny bizness right square on the rocks. 
But ships, and cantonements, and bullets, and guns. 
He thot he must hev, without countin' the fun's. 
He found willin' patriots ready to try — 
Providin' the profits rolled up to the sky. 
His dollar-cu-year dubs picked up a soft snap — 
With millions a-floatin' right into their lap ! 
But little's the odds when it's spent here at home — 
You can't boost the Romans without boostin' Rome. 
It wuzn't expenses that Samuel keerd for. 
So much ez the glory uv winnin' the war. 
He'd went in fer blood, and 'twuz blood he wud have, 
No matter the cost uv the plaster and salve. 

When Sammy first plunged, he thot all uv his boys 
Wud rush to his help, and whoop up a great noise. 
But soon he found out, when he counted the rolls. 
That sum didn't keer to be shot full uv holes. 
They hadn't went in, ez he'd figured they shud. 
But stuck to their jobs, and kep on sawin' wood. 
To die fer mere visions, and airy ideals — 
Seemed swappin' the pig fer a batch uv his squeals. 

192 



SAMUEL ON THE MOVE. 

When airs safe at home, he's a mutt that will stand 
To go forth and bleed fer sum uther dub's land. 
Since menny had reckoned that matters stood thus, 
'Twuz like pullin' teeth, to git folks in the fuss. 

When Russia fell flat, and ducked out uv the fight, 
Then Samuel quick saw he wuz in fer it right. 
'Twuz billions uv munny, and millions uv men. 
And oceans uv blood, 'fore they ever cud win. 
So, takin' the bull by the horns, Sam allowed, 
"I'll jest fix it so I kin grab the hul crowd." 
He spun out his laws, and then got 'em pushed thru, 
And tied the hul kentry up tighter than glue. 
He soon had ten-millions right under his thumb — 
And then sed to William, '7'm ready to cum!" 

But armies and navies ain't made in a day. 
And Sammy soon found hizself faced with delay. 
He told the hul world, in a fortnight er so. 
He'd be on the stage with the principal show. 
His vision uv millions uv bats in the air 
Dispensin' damnation and death everywhere. 
With vast fleets uv argosies bridgin' the seas — 
Made all think the Hun wud soon be on his knees. 
But blue-prints won't navigate water ner sky. 
And pure 'magination had better not try. 
Sam found, purty soon, that his billions were spent, 
And not a blamed sky bug, ner vessel, had went. 
The summer wuz gone, and his camps were chuck full- 
All ready to push, but nobody to pull. 
or Winter swung down with a vengence onthot, 
And soon everything wuz tied tight in a knot. 
The people were freezin', and yellin' fer heat. 
And stirred up cunf usion that nuthin' cud beat. 

193 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They cussed the dumd war, and wished sumbody hung, 
And warn't much keerin' whose fun'ral they sung. 
Sam got mighty nervous, and grabbed the railroads, 
And everything loose that he thot cud haul loads. 
And jumpt in the midst to ontangle the muss. 
And keep his own fellers f rum startin' a fuss. 
When things were camed down, he went at it again — 
And soon found that folks had f ergot all their pain ! 

When Sammy wuz noodral, he'd stood mighty strong 
Fer everything noodral that happened along. 
If one wuz insulted, er harmed the least bit. 
He soon got the colic, and throwed a duck-fit. 
But, once he wuz mixed with the dubs in the fight. 
The dust on his specs sort o* twisted his sight. 
He cudn't see things ez he'd seen 'em before — 
And if you'd say noodral, he'd drop thru the floor. 
When he blowed his horn, he dreamt all wud rush in — 
So, them that got balky, he laid out to skin. 
He thot what he done, every sucker shud do ; 
And got purty sore if they failed to cum thru. 
Their rights went a-glimmer'n', in his moteless eye, 
When once they refused to drop plums in his pie. 
So, goin' high-handed, he grabbed all their ships ; 
And if they cried out, simply sewed up their lips, 
And sed, "// you holler, I'll shet off yer breath — 
// that ain't sufficient, I'll starve you to death." 
They all tuck their medicine, save the bull Dutch ; 
But Holland sez, ''Nay, you're demandin' too much." 
The real Dutch are dutchy, and got their Dutch up. 
And sed, "You're two-faced, and a dirty mean pup." 
But Sam went ahead, mindin' not what they'd say ; 
And while it wuz wrong, 'lowed he'd hev it his way. 

194 



SAMUEL ON THE MOVE. 

He needed the ships ; and, in war, that's enuf — 
The way to win out is keep runnin' yer bluff. 

But, 'spite uv all stumblin'-blocks, Sammy made hay ; 
And kep gittin' bigger frum day unto day. 
He ironed out the wrinkles, and creased down the seams, 
And got matters runnin' ez smooth ez silk dreams. 
He sold lots uv war-bonds, and stamps, and sich things, 
And plucked all the feathers frum menny spare wings. 
He fetched down the pressure, and laid on the lash, 
And run patriotism right out into cash. 
To them askin' wages, he jest answered: ''Yes? 
Keep on with yer workin', and don't start a mess. 
There's plenty fer all, and enuf to go round — 
And if we ain't got it, we know where it's found." 
He starved his own people, and sent it across ; 
And sed : ''It's yer duty, don't count it ez loss. 
Give up yer bread-basket, yer benzine, and all, 
And stand by yer kentry, whatever the call." 
His camps were a-bulgin', his factories full. 
And all worked together, and none seemed to bull. 
He soon had his vessels out on the high seas ; 
While numberless skybugs were battin' the breeze. 
His millions were fidgin', and f umin' to go — 
And all wuz prepared fer the cumin* big show ! 

One thing puzzled Sam — who he'd pick out to lead. 
And wear the proud laurels while uthers shud bleed. 
It seemed fightin' Theodore filled the bill well; 
And people all 'lowed that he'd raise the most hell. 
But Woody got leery, and sed to hizself : 
"He's too big right now, and he'll stay on his shelf. 
If glory's to cum, it must cum all to me; 
Fer I'm the main guy, ez the world shall soon see." 

195 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

So, modest John Pershing wuz handed the ball ; 
With Teddy left standin' tied up in his stall. 
It made Oyster Bay turn a little bit blue — 
But when you're omitted, what else kin you do? 

Sam kep things a-boomin' on land and on sea, 
And all were a-fizzin' to set the world free. 
The righteous Republic had riz in its might, 
To kick or Autocracy clean out uv sight. 
The spirit wuz there — and the energy, too — 
And Sammy's the boy that kin shove the thing thru. 

The Alleys got nervous, and trembled with fear, 
When they found the Kaisers were drawin' too near. 
They'd settled the Bear; and had punched Victor's snout; 
And now were preparin' to knock 'em all out. 
But Sam camly sed : ''Keep a stiff upper lip; 
And soon we will hev 'em right square on the hip. 
While Fm cumin' slow, I'm a-cumiri' durn strong — 
And, once I am there, it won't last very long," 

This cheered 'em all up, and put sand in their craw, 
And made 'em thrice eager to clip William's claw. 
or Winter wuz fadin', and Spring wuz at hand; 
And things were a-movin' in most every land. 
Jest what wud break loose when the snows cleared away, 
All had their suspishions, but none dared to say. 
Whatever may cum, I will venture the guess 
That Sammy's right there, shoulder deep in the mess! 

So, leavin' it thus, I will hasten away — 
And pick up the scraps ez they fall f rum the fray. 



196 



CHAPTER XXIX. 

SLIPPIN' AND SLOPPIN' OVER. 

Kerensky's war record cum quick to a close, 
When William's big fist bift him one on the nose. 
It made the Bear scowl when he saw the cullapse, 
And wundered why he shud git all uv the slaps. 
So, right by the fetlock, Kerensky tuck Time, 
And called a Grand Council uv Russia sublime. 
Where he and his pals cud hev freedom to spout, 
And tell all the hayseeds jest what 'twuz about. 
Kerensky soared high, and oV Korniloff, too. 
And told 'em egzactly what each one shud do. 
Alexeiff, and Tscheidse, and Kalidin bold. 
Were right on the platform without bein' told. 
They all had their say, and onveiled Russia's plight, 
And showed the hul world how they'd lost in the fight. 
The army wuz run by cummittees, and sich ; 
And that's why the Bear wuz now down in the ditch. 
They had all the rubles their presses cud print — 
But soldiers won't fight till they've blowed their last cent. 
Disorganization wuz Gen'ral-in-Chief , 
And each done accordin' to his own belief. 
The Grand Revolution, 'twud seem, had cum short, 
And hadn't accomplished the things that it ort. 
The Council wuz over, with nuthin' to show — 
And most people 'lowed it wuz jest a big blow, 
A little re(Z cloud fringed the edge uv the sky — 
And Dimmycrats saw it wuz now do, er die! 

197 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The glorious Gabf est had finished its gab ; 
But 'fore they got home, the Hun made a bold stab, 
And landed on Riga, and uther domains — 
And this give the Bear a large batch uv fresh pains. 
Kerensky got addled, and didn't quite know 
Jest where the big circus wuz next billed to show. 
It 'peared that the animals needed more feed — 
And that meant f er him to git up extra speed. 
If wind cud win battles, Kerensky's the boy 
Wud set the world free, and bring every soul joy. 

But Korniloff saw, if the Bear wuzn't skinned, 
He'd hev to hev sumthin' beside chaff and wind. 
So, thinkin' it over, 'lowed he'd grab the lines. 
And steer the frayed beast into Vict'ry's confines. 
He wanted Grand Russia to stand by her guns. 
And help out the Alleys, and clean up the Huns. 
But his noble purpose seemed misunderstood, 
Fer soon he heerd rumblin's that didn't sound good. 
His lofty cunceptions uv duty fell flat — 
With him dubbed an outlaw, and all sich ez that. 
Kerensky rose up to a wunderful pitch. 
And swore that no traitor cud give him the ditch, 
or Korny's rebellion went down with a thud — 
But not till the Bear had poured out sum fresh blood. 
The Dimmycrats, now, called a congress forthright, 
And made Coalition with sich ez wud fight. 
They all went together, to heal up the wounds, 
And git matters shaped to win back their lost grounds. 
The Alleys now hoped that the Bear wud stick fast, 
And stand like a rock, and fight on to the last. 

But William kep bizzy, and hammered away, 
And tuck sum more Islands way up in the Bay, 

198 



SLIPPIN* AND SLOPPIN' OVER. 

And smashed the front door right at Saint Petersgrad- 
And that put the hul Coalition in bad. 
This bump give Kerensky a mighty hard jar, 
And sort o' put dimmers on Russia's bright star. 
It seems, Coalitions are safe things to ride, 
Providin' there's nuthin' with which to cullide ! 
But, once they start goin', and then strike a rock, 
It's seldom they ever git over the shock. 

Kerensky, perceivin' the plight he wuz in, 
Had grave premonitions that he cudn't win. 
He'd long bin a trimmer, and straddled the stream, 
And tried to pour red in Democracy's dream. 
When stridin' two mules, they are likely to spread, 
And tumble the rider right down on his head. 
In sum sich cunf usion, Kerensky wuz caught, 
And cudn't ontangle the tangled up knot. 
He saw the storm cumin', and sung his swan song, 
And told all the Alleys things cudn't last long. 
The late Coalition rode strait to its fall — 
Ez Russia slopt over, and spattered up all ! 
Bold Lenin and Trotzky stept out on the stage — 
And soon had the Giver ment safe in a cage. 
Kerensky, alone, had slipt out thru the net — 
And most people think that he's still runnin' yet ! 

The Grand Revolution had made a revolve — 
And everything firm started in to dissolve. 
The brave Coalition tuck staggers, and fell ; 
And soon found itself safely cooped in a cell. 
The Army got friendly, and sed to the foe : 
"// you're only willing we're glad to let go." 
The Bear donned a coat uv immaculate red, 
And flung a white banner high up o'er his head. 

199 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

New rights fer the people had cum to the front, 

And each wuz allowed to pull off his own stunt. 

Twuz land fer the landless, and rubles fer all ; 

With them that wore collars tied up in a stall. 

The Haves were now out, and the Have Nots were in — 

And each feller duckin' to save his own skin. 

Your hand in my pocket, and mine at your throat — 

With poor helpless Russia the onhappy goat. 

A tremblin' oncertainty gript the hul realm ; 

Fer no one felt sure uv the ones at the helm. 

The first thing that happened made all the earth start — 
Fer soon mighty Russia went droppin' apart. 
Self 'Determination had give folks the say. 
And each separate people cud hev its own way. 
So, Ukraine, and Finland, and Siberia, too, 
And uther small fry, thot they'd see the thing thru. 
Each set up a Giverment, right off the reel. 
And didn't much keer how the uthers might feel. 
'Twuz back to first principles, so they allowed. 
With everything safe in the hands uv the crowd ; 
With Czars, and Grand Dukes, and the Landlords, and all — 
And them that had sumthin', hung up on the wall. 
The Red Revolution wud set the world right, 
And make it onneedful fer good folks to fight. 
With all wrongs uprooted, and peoples set free, 
Then Peace and Good-Will wud o'erspread land and sea! 

The Bear wanted nuthin' that uthers possest ; 
Fer peace wuz the passion that tugged at his breast. 
His strength had cullapsed, and his heart wuz drained dry ; 
And peace he must hev, er lay right down and die. 
With this f eelin' fixed, there wuz nuthin' to do 
But draw up the plans, and then push 'em right thru. 

200 



SLIPPIN' AND SLOPPIN' OVER. 

He made a proposal to all in the fight, 

To cum talk it over, and end the thing right. 

'Twuz up to the Alleys, ez well ez the foe. 

To seek the Peace-Table, and end the blood-flow. 

But most people 'lowed the Bear's game wuz a trick. 

And reckoned wise William had worked it blamed slick 

Whatever the f ac's, still, the world mainly thot 

That Lenin and Trotzky had simply bin bot. 

The Alleys steered shy, and refused to jine in — 

And so it wuz left fer the Bear to begin. 

The first thing he done wuz to say to the foe: 
"The Alleys won't play, so we'll jest let 'em go" 
He then set to work to git peace fer hizself , 
And left all the uthers remain on the shelf. 
They signed up an Armistice, sayin' outright, 
Tb at each shud quit shootin', and call off the fight. 
They all were required to git friendly, and shake ; 
And share with each uther t'baccer, and cake. 
Along the hul battle-line, went up a shout ; 
Fer all were durn glad to see peace fetched about. 
It made the bunch sore jest a bit furder West, 
To see foxy Bruin hot-footin' fer Brest. 
But little he keerd what his nabers might say — 
They'd failed to cum round, so he'd make his own hay. 

The Bear met the Centrals — and fixed up a Peace 
That give them the carcass, and most uv the grease. 
or Trotzky wuz there, with his new-fangled dreams, 
And thot hizself foxy in workin' out schemes. 
But William's wiseacres cud give cards and spades, 
And then make him look like a lad in the grades. 
He first sent his soldiers all back to their plows ; 
And sed, "The war's over — there'll he no more rows," 

201 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He next proposed terms that caused William to think 

That he'd got the drubbin*, and hung o'er the brink. 

Self -Determination, and no grabbin' land ; 

With all sorts uv gains and indemnities banned ; 

And each to go home and do perfectly right, 

And heal up the wounds that had sprung f rum the fight ; 

With freedom fer folks to speak jest what they like, 

And preach propagandy down every mud pike, 

And carry red banners thru enny man's town — 

Sich wuz but a part uv the claims he laid down. 

It made William smile, when he heerd Trotzky's bluff; 

And sed, "You're a daisy — hut that ain't enuf." 

Then William got bizzy, and made sum demands 
That paralyzed Trotzky, and tied both his hands. 
He told him a feller that's flat on his back 
Hez little to say about fillin' the sack. 
He bade him hand over his guns, and his fleet; 
And cum right across with his rubles, and wheat ; 
And git out uv Finland, and let Poland go ; 
And give all the rest the same sort uv a show ; 
And pull in his horns to sich lines ez he sed ; 
And seal his red mouth up, and not try to spread 
His durn propagandy o'er his fair domain ; 
And keep his hands off uv the fertile Ukraine — 
And do jest about what a common slave wud, 
And do it alone fer his master's own good! 

This made the Bear holler, and swear he'd bin stung — 
But burglars don't keer how their praises are sung, 
Providin' they safely cum off with the swag. 
And hev it securely sewed up in a bag. 
While Russia proposed, the Quadruple disposed — 
And that's how the matter wuz finally closed. 

202 



SLIPPIN' AND SLOPPIN' OVER. 

The Bear had the Peace f er which long he had prayed ; 
But found, to his sorrow, it wuzn't home-made. 
Twuz trade-marked in Germany, and bore the Hun brand 
Stamped right on its face by the Kaiser's own hand. 
Despite the bad taste, he must gulp the pill whole — 
That's jest what he done — lettin' William kick goal ! 

Once Bruin wuz free, and had turned sum flubdubs, 
He set right to work eatin' up his own cubs. 
The plain proletarians now had the power — 
With Lenin and Trotzky the men uv the hour. 
The poor under-dog had cum into his own. 
And 'lowed he wud try settin' up on the throne. 
The wand uv good fortune had techt him, at last; 
And now he wud even things up fer the past. 
He'd make the high-heelers eat cornstalks and hay ; 
While he'd wine, and dine, and hev quail every day. 
When once the whip-handle gits in the slave's hand — 
God pity the masters, and pity the Land ! 

It wuzn't no time till the fur 'gan to fly. 
And great clouds uv whiskers cuncealed the red sky. 
They rassled, and tussled, and tore up the ground ; 
With every one reachin' fer everything round. 
The game wuz cut-throat, and grab-all-that-you-cud — 
And stab yer own flesh, if it done enny good; 
And leave none alive that had rubles, er brains — 
Fer every one dead made fer all uthers' gains. 
They went in fer blood — and an equal divide — 
With them that had sumthin' left on the outside. 
The Landlords were skinned, and strung up to a post — 
And all that had feathers were ripe fer a roast. 
The down-trodden laborer labored no more ; 
But set out in front uv his own palace door, 

203 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. I 

And ordered his once haughty master to cum, 
And fetch him his pipe, and his bottle uv rum. 
The hul social fabric wuz turned in-side-out; 
With Russia all broken, and scattered about. 
The Grand Revolution had gone its full length. 
And left the Bear winded, and all out uv strength. 
When things start revolving it's hard to foretell 
Jest when they'll let up, er cease oncorkin' hell. 

With Russia stretched out in a swelter uv blood. 
And all overwhelmed by the rollin' red flood. 
It give the Quadruple a mighty fine chance 
To steal the Bear's rompers, and lug off his pants. 
So each grabbed the morsel he cuveted most. 
And left Bruin stagger'n' frum pillar to post. 
They mobbed him, and robbed him, and parceled him out — 
Till little remained frum his tail to his snout. 
Pole, Lett, and Ukranian, and Finn, and White Russ, 
And Cossack, and Georgian, all started to cuss. 
They swore that they'd never be ruled by the Reds — 
And wudn't submit, if it cost them their heads. 
So all broke away — and Siberia, too — 
And left the Red Giverment in a hot stew. 
The Grand Realm uv Russia had flew all to sticks — 
With Bruin performin' sum mighty grim tricks. 

Tho torn into shreds, and bespattered with gore. 
The Bear sed, ''No traitor shall darken my door/' 
It seems, the Czech-Slovacks had gotten in deep. 
And wandered about like a big flock uv sheep. 
They wudn't cunsent to go home, and be shot ; 
And, in the Hun's net, swore they'd never be caught. 
So, fixin' their eyes on the Orient star, 
Sed, ''Thither we'll fly, while the gates are ajar J' 

204 



SLIPPIN* AND SLOPPIN' OVER. 

But William and Charley got bizzy, and sed, 
''We'll jest grab the villains and lop off their head" 
They told foxy Lenin, if he'd bag the game, 
He'd earn their affections, and win lastin' fame. 
A word to the wise is sufficient, they say, 
And Lenin went forth to round up the array. 
But soon he found out 'twuz no 'fore-breakfast job ; 
And got hizself pummeled right on the bald knob. 
This started things buzzin' the hul world about, 
And purty soon uthers were there to help out. 

The Alleys proclaimed that the Czech wuz a State; 
And sed, ''We mitst back him, whatever his fate" 
This caused wily Bruin to let out a yelp ; 
And call on the Kaisers to cum to his help. 
He'd swollered their bait, and wuz ketcht in a trap ; 
And soon found hizself layin' full in their lap. 
That's jest what they wanted — to make him their friend! 
And that's how they'd figured the circus wud end. 

The Alleys were game; and, around the hul ring, 
They flung in their troops, with a dash and a swing. 
Frum frozen Archangel to Vladivostok, 
They give the red demons sl fairly stiff shock. 
They plucked out their whiskers, and touseled their hair ; 
And jerked endless knots in the tail uv the Bear. 
It seemed a bit strange to see friend fightin* friend — 
But how wars are started don't say how they'll end. 
The hand had moved round to the uther extreme ; 
And Russia's grand vision proved only a dream. 
The Bear and Black Eagle now smoked the same pipe — 
While William shuck down all the fruit that wuz ripe ! 

When Jap, and American, English, and French, 
Stept on the Bear's toes, and it started to pinch, 

205 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

or Trotzky got chesty, and ordered them out ; 
And told them to go, er git punched in the snout. 
Each guy tuck the hunch, grabbin' baggage and bag — ■ 
Cunfessin* that William had landed the swag! 

Roumany cashed in, when she saw the Bear fail — 
Fer Ferdy had cum to the end uv the trail. 
It seems only natural that sich shud betide — 
Fer butchers all know the tail goes with the hide! 

The Centrals had now reached their cuveted goal — 
They'd captured the Bear, and had swollered him whole. 
Their feet were now free to march strait to the West, 
And settle the bacon uv all uv the rest ! 

Before hastin' thither, I'll strive to onfold 
A few minor matters that need to be told. 



206 



CHAPTER XXX. 
A HIKE TO HIT AND THE HOLY CITY. 

While Bruin wuz handin' the Centrals the bag, 
And Turkey wuz gobblin' her slice uv the swag, 
The Alleys kep bizzy about the outedge, 
And rustled a few uv 'em out uv the hedge. 
Frum Cairo to Kahnikin, round the hul front, 
John Bull wuz performin' his usual stunt. 
With sand in his whiskers, and dust in his eyes. 
He went pushin' on thru the fevers and flies. 
With asses fer lorries, and camels fer trains. 
He kep the fight movin' o'er deserts and plains. 
To ward his possessions in Orient lands, 
He'd waged menny battles, and made sum bold stands. 
Along the Suez, and the Tigris, he'd fot. 
And done fairly well — but at times he got caught ! 
The Turk landed Townshend, with all uv his crew — 
Still, sich wuz expected while Johnny wuz new. 
But wisdom and sense with experience cum, 
And Johnny learnt drummin' by beatin' his drum. 
At first, he cunsidered the Turk a mere dub — 
But quickly woke up when he fell in his tub. 
He found out that Islam wuz onto the game. 
And stood ever ready to guard his good name. 
But, 'spite uv his pluck, and his leanin' on fate. 
When Johnny got goin', he trimmed him up great. 

Along the Big Rivers he'd wallopt him right. 
And grabbed ancient Bagdad, the sign uv his might. 

207 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

With this in his hands, and his stock soarin* high, 
He thot the time ripe to make still f urder try. 
All Mesopotamia he 'lowed shud be his ; 
So, layin' his coat off, got right down to biz. 
The weather wuz sultry, and waxed hotter still. 
When John started pushin' the Turkey uphill. 
Frum Bagdad, he spread like the wings uv a fan — 
With every last duffer out chasin' his man. 
The Turk went to pieces, and tuck different routes, 
But Johnny wuz there with spike-nails in his boots. 
Wherever he found him he give him a thump, 
And kep him a-rollin', and right on the jump. 

Maude's purpose wuz lofty, his vision wuz clear; 
Mosul and Aleppo seemed never so near. 
He struck to the right hand, he struck to the left, 
And laid on his blows with a terrible heft. 
Strait up the Dialah, went slashin' hell-bent, 
And never cried halt till the foe wuz all spent. 
He linked with Bruin, and hit Jebel mount, 
And Islam's grand cohorts seemed not much account. 
They slunk out uv Abbas, and hiked fer Kifri, 
But 'fore they got there, wore a purty black eye. 
Maude leapt the Shatt Adhaim, and dealt a swift punch 
That piled the r&d fezes all up in a bunch. 
Then strait fer Istabulat went with a rush. 
And chased Enver's foxes right out uv the brush. 
Encirclin' Samarrah, he swiped the hul pack; 
And them that slid thru found a blamed jagged crack. 
He cleaned out the Tigris fer miles up the stream. 
And put a fresh crimp in the Sultan's fair dream. 

With this job cumpleted, he rested a spell; 
But soon started in stirrin' up sum fresh hell, 

208 



A HIKE TO HIT AND THE HOLY CITY. 

He summoned his Gurkhas, and Pun jabs, and Sikhs, 
And sent 'em a-skitin' off on sum new hikes. 
'Twuz up the Euphrates, this time, they must go, 
And not give the Turk a faint ghost uv a show. 
Them left on the Tigris, they'd chased to Tekrit — 
And now fer a jaunt up Euphrates to Hit. 
or Sol wuz a-sizzlin', and made the sands bile ; 
But this wuz the time, lest their chances shud spile. 
So, limber'n' their guns up, they got under way. 
And 'fore the Turk knowed it, were there to make hay. 
With huge tanks uv water, and cart loads uv ice. 
They struck fer Feluja, with things pannin' nice. 
'Twuz next strait fer Ramadie, where the Turks hid — 
To jug the hul outfit, and clamp down the lid ! 

It worked like a charm, and things seemed goin' well- 
Till all uv a suddent up springs a new hell. 
The Desert broke loose, and a sandy cyclone 
Swep down like a blight f rum the Devil's grim throne. 
It blinded their eyes with its terrible blast. 
And scorched the hul earth ez it rumbled apast. 
It withered each soul that it techt with its breath. 
And left in its wake only ruin and death. 
It paralyzed all, in its frenzied career, 
And smote every heart with a tremblin' and fear. 
They'd lost all the ginger stored up fer the fray. 
And had to postpone it to sum future day. 

But Maude is no feller to let a simoom 
Upset his arrangements, er stay his stiff broom. 
He set strait about gittin' back on the move, 
And soon had the shettle right in the ol' groove. 
It didn't take long, once he got under steam. 
To wake the Turk up f rum his siestic dream. 

209 



PARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Before he'd suspected, he found hizself holed, 

With Ramadie circled, and safe in the fold. 

He tried to break thru, but Maude's Indians were there, 

And tuck every Ottoman right by the hair. 

The hul bunch wuz cabbaged, cummander and all; 

And Euphrates trembled at Islam's great fall. 

Sir Maude had proved faithful in doin' his bit — 

He sent back the booty, then pushed up to Hit. 

This ended the fightin' — and ended Maude, too ! 
He laid down and died; and the hul thing wuz thru. 

While John's wily Indians were on the Turk's trail. 
And chasin' him round, sprinklin' salt on his tail. 
Sum leagues furder west, jest beyond the Dead Sea, 
His foxers were skitin' 'em out uv Judea. 

Sirs Maxwell and Murray, f er sum moons before. 
Had bin rasslin' Turks 'long the hul blasted shore. 
Frum Sinai to Gazy, they'd tore up the sand. 
And burnt ez much powder ez John cud well stand. 
The Hun had jined in, to help push the campaigns. 
And Turkey had made a few fairly-sized gains. 
He'd flew o'er the desert, and threatened Suez, 
And swore he'd make Egypt take back the red fez. 
But Maxwell wuz there, when it cum to a scratch. 
And Islam diskivered he'd now found his match. 
He punched Djemel Pasha without enny mitt. 
And give him a jolt that he won't soon fergit; 
Then landed a blow on ol' Von Kressenstein 
That made him see stars, and sing ''Watch on the Rhine.' 
This closed the first act, fer the foe had got stung — 
And Turkey's red wattle wuz purty well wrung. 

It didn't please William, er Enver, to find 
That they'd got the razzle, with all uv their kind. 

210 



A HIKE TO HIT AND THE HOLY CITY. 

The sandy Suez wuz the lure uv their eye — 
To land it, they'd send the last mutt out to die. 
They know'd it wud be a most onearthly rub, 
To grab Johnny's gullet and shet off his grub. 
So, gether'n' their asses, and camels, and guns, 
And loyal Arabs, and fresh batches uv Huns, 
They made a new start to annex the Red Sea — 
And Sinai, and Egypt, and all they cud tree! 
But Murray wuz there, with his fightin' Anzac, 
And soon had the Turkey clean off uv the track. 
He hit him at Katy, then hit him agin — 
And kep on a-poundin', and pummel'n' his skin. 
But down at Romani, he laid on the spat 
That knocked the hul skittle into a cocked-hat. 
or Kressenstein's army wuz battered to earth, 
And what there wuz left uv it hadn't much worth. 
Cullectin' his remnants, he hastened to fly — 
And that wuz the end uv the second bold try. 

The Turk wuz Hun-led, but that wuzn't enuf ; 
Fer John had succeeded in callin' his bluff. 
He'd hurtled him back over sandhill and dune, 
And hung the red Crescent high up on the moon. 
The time had now cum to corral the hul herd ; 
So, out steps bold Allenby, spruce ez a bird. 
He had in his knapsack a devil's hotchpotch — 
Welsh, Anzacs, and Indians, Celts, Saxons, and Scotch. 
Rigged up with this outfit, on camels and colts. 
He 'peared well equipt to hand out sum stiff jolts. 
The East and the West, and the hul earth wuz there — 
Jew, gentile, and Arab, and folks frum nowhere; 
While skybugs, and lorries, and uther display, 
Made Amalek's Land seem a buddin' Broadway. 

211 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Sir Edmund got bizzy, and figured and planned 
Jest how he might capture the fair Holy Land. 
He'd bin sent to do it, and that wuz enuf — 
So, takin' his bearin's, he went at it ruff. 
He first struck Beersheby, and kicked up a dust 
That made the Turk sneeze till he thot he wud bust. 
The Land uv the Philistines, next, he wud smite. 
And make 'em think Samson had cum back to light. 
So, Gazy went down, with the Turk on the run — 
And that wuz the start uv sum more merry fun. 
Frum wadi to wadi, they plunged strait ahead, 
And paid no attention to livin' er dead. 
The bones uv the Patriarchs rose in their tomb, 
And shouted fer joy ez they heerd the guns boom. 
The damnable Turk had opprest them so long. 
The whizzin' uv bullets seemed heavenly song. 

With this fair beginnin', they kep the thing hot 
Till Debir and Askalon fell in the pot. 
The hills uv Judea, they singed with their wrath, 
And flamed all the foxes frum Hebron to Gath. 
Along the Dead Sea, where Lot's wife turned to salt, 
The foe hadn't time to look hack, er say halt. 
They pushed him right on over hillside and glen— 
Till Ashdod, and Ekron, and Gezer, fell in. 
They raged around Bethlehem, David's old home. 
Where Joseph once cum to pay homage to Rome. 
No angel voice sang — "peace on earth, and good wilV 
The Babe in the Manger kep mighty blamed still. 
The voice uv the cannon wuz all you cud hear ; 
And Heaven wuz mum ez the wart on yer ear. 
They kep her a-sizzlin', frum mountain to shore, 
Till Joppy caved in — and that opened the door ! 

212 



A HIKE TO HIT AND THE HOLY CITY. 

They now had the railway — with every flat-car — 
And that meant fer Turkey a purty hard jar. 
Jest one f urder splurge and the goal wud be won, 
And glory wud blaze like the Orient sun. 

To take half a loaf isn't Sir Edmund's way — 
It's grab the hul bake-oven, doughpan, and tray. 
So, keepin' in motion, he give 'em no rest, 
And routed the hornets all out uv the nest. 
Right strait fer Mount Zion, he made a bee-line. 
And never once stopt fer Turk, turban, er shrine. 
Around Sacred Olive, and Samuel's Tomb, 
The guns kep a-boomin' with one stiddy boom. 
or Solomon's Temple shuck down to its base. 
And Enver's jackrabbits turned blue in the face. 
Thru rain, mud, and muck, they pushed on the grim work, 
And made it Golgothy fer every last Turk. 
The camels fell down; but they got up again. 
And went groanin' on o'er the hills uv great pain. 

At last, they beheld it — the City uv God! 
Where saints uv all ages hev rev'rently trod. 
They girdled it round with a cordon uv steel ; 
Then blowed on their rams' horns a blast made 'em feel 
The time had now cum fer the gates to fall down. 
And let the new Joshua enter the town. 
The sun upon Gibeon 'peared to stand still. 
To give ample time to work out the Lord's will. 
North, south, east, and west, they had razzled the foe — 
Till Islam wuz slippin', and glad to let go. 
The fair Holy City dropt into their hands — 
With Allenby's triumph proclaimed in all lands ! 

Around the hul planet, went up a great shout ; 
Fer all were durn glad that the Turk wuz kicked out. 

213 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Both sinners and saints, and all colors and creeds, 
Throwed up their bandanas, and rolled in the weeds. 
The Jews got the rickets, frum shoutin' their joys. 
And crucified Christ again with their loud noise. 
But, say what you will, people all the world round 
Hold ancient Jerusalem sanctified ground. 
It don't figure much ez a trophy uv war ; 
But God's Holy Acre! — ^that's what it stands for. 
Earth's greatest Religions hev hallowed the place, 
And made it the shrine uv the hul human race ! 

John Bull had done sumthin' to offset the Bear — 
Which made folks the happier most everywhere. 

So, leavin' it thus, I will draw closer home. 
And speak uv sum things that hev chanced on the foam. 



214 



CHAPTER XXXL 
FOILIN' THE DEVIL FISH. 

Ez time hez dragged on in this gruesome war-game, 
It 'pears folks hev lost every vestige uv shame. 
It's gittin' more dreadful frum day unto day, 
And jest where 'twill end, surely no one kin say. 
The methods now used to put out human light 
Wud do rank dishonor to enny snake-fight. 
Uv all the devices hell's wits kin devise, 
The one that's most hellish cums off with the prize. 
Zep, skybug, and Tank, liquid flame, and foul gas — 
Thru this mild inferno each sucker must pass. 
But none kin quite equal, f er fiendish cuntrive, 
The soulless Sea-Devil, that eats 'em alive. 
His feast is onendin', his maw never fills — 
He thrives best on horrors, and all sorts uv thrills. 
His part in the fight hez bin ghastly and grim ; 
And, once he goes forth, uthers' chances are slim. 

Both sides hev befriended this Shark uv the Foam, 
And if they git stung, it's their cows cumin' home. 
His wa:y s are deceivin', his actions are strange, 
And thrice lucky they who keep out uv his range. 
He lurks 'mid the darkness, er glides 'neath the wave. 
And sends hapless ships to a watery grave. 
He gloats o'er his victims, and chortles with glee 
To see proud leviathans bendin' the knee. 
He hez no cumpunctions, and strikes without fear ; 
And them that git stung seldom know he is near. 

215 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He treats all alike, both the great and the small, 
And, makin* no odds, simply scuttles them all. 
The shrieks uv the helpless entrapt in his cage 
Are only sweet music to soothe his wild rage. 
All bow to his mandates, and none answers nay ; 
And when he sez ''Dance!" — every fiddle must play. 
The birth uv this Sea-Serpent dealt a sad blow 
To them that hev ships, and on vessels must go. 

John Bull and the Kaiser were first in the game. 
And give to these Serpents a fairly good name. 
They kep playin' round on the edge uv the fight. 
And things that they done, people reckoned all right. 
They got in their work on a dreadnaught er so. 
And sent a few cruisers a-cruisin' below. 
In North Sea, and Baltic, and Marmora, too, 
John sent his out prowling and pushed 'em right thru. 
They done lots uv damage wherever they went. 
And didn't return till their breath wuz all spent. 
But William wuz usu'lly right on their track. 
And menny that ventured f ergot to cum back. 
Besides trailin' uthers, he sent out his own, 
And bade 'em be ready to cast the first stone ; 
Er plug enny warship, er troopship, they found — 
And where John wuz bizziest jest hang around. 
They done fairly well, and kep Johnny onstrung ; 
Fer he never knowed where he'd likely git stung. 
John ruled on the billows, and mastered the foam. 
But down underneath, William seemed right at home. 
His own batch uv Bulldogs wuz safely coopt up — 
So, all he cud do wuz send out the blind pup. 
The sub might hev stayed in its plain, lawful path ; 
But sumthin' turned up that inflamed William's wrath. 

216 



FOILIN' THE DEVIL-FISH. 

John bein' the boss, 'lowed he'd starve the Dutch out; 
But William sez, "Nay; not by that dirty lout!" 
This started a muss that might not hev arose, 
If each had kep off uv the uther dub's toes. 
But John thot he durst, and felt sure his sea-might 
Wud cook the Hun's goose, and soon finish the fight. 
The noodrals got wrothy, but this didn't last. 
And Johnny imagined he'd roped William fast. 
But bindin' Leviathan ain't no boys' play ; 
And if he breaks loose, Heaven pity the day ! 
John never once dreamt that the Kaiser wud dare 
Perform on the sea ez he'd done in the air. 
But William give warnin', and sez, '7/ / must, 
I'll blow yer last merchant-ship into fine dust" 
John went right ahead workin' out his own schemes. 
But soon wuz aroused frum his pleasant day-dreams; 
Fer William had turned all his Sea-Devils loose, 
And round Johnny's neck coiled a purty snug noose. 
His argosies went pitchin' strait to their doom 
So fast that the sea cud scase furnish them room. 
It looked, fer a time, ez if Johnny hizself 
Wud start gittin' thin, with no grub on the shelf. 
He yelled fer the noodrals to cum to his help — 
But, since he'd provoked it, they jest let him yelp. 

John soon found that sumthin' wud hev to be done. 
Else William wud hev him full on the dead run. 
So, loadin' his ships up with contraband stuff, 
Induced sum uv Sam's mutts to help run his bluff. 
This didn't pan out, and a few lost their skins — 
And that's where Sam's trubble with William begins. 
Sam got purty huffy, and told William flat 
He'd hev to slow down, er see him skin-a-cat. 

217 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Kaiser got wary, and pulled in his horns — 
He didn't want Samuel's big hoof on his corns. 
He went on pretendin' to do ez Sam sed — 
But all the while kep pilin' up stacks uv dead. 
Month in and month out, it run much the same way — 
One grand round uv pleasure f rum day unto day. 
John kep launchin' vessels, and stole what he cud, 
But all uv his efforts done blamed little good. 
They went tumblin' down like dead leaves f rum a vine, 
Till half uv his greyhounds lay pickled in brine. 
Regardless uv losses, John stayed in the game. 
And tried to look pleasant, and 'pear jest the same. 
He used divers methods to choke William off, 
And led lots uv sea^hosses up to his troff. 
But 'spite uv it all, the Hun kep on his trail — 
Till Albion's waters hev much to onveil ! 

Right on thru the seasons, things kep movin' thus, 
Till William's bold actions got Sam in the fuss. 
He'd bin quite successful in trimmin' up John, 
And 'lowed mebby Sam wud still keep takin' con. 
So, doffin' his mask, he went strait fer the goal — 
But there's where he got both his feet in a hole ! 
He mis j edged his man, and wuz soon in a plight ; 
Fer Sammy cum walkin' right into the fight. 
And sez, ''You shan't win by sich methods ez that — 
And I'll tell you plain that yer schemes will fall flat," 

Now, William had counted on gittin' John's goat. 
And hevin' things cinched before Sam got afloat. 
But he hadn't figured on Samuel's high speed — 
And reckoned a mule wuz a purty slow steed. 
He quickly found out that affairs tuck a change. 
When he cum in tech with the guy f rum the range. 

218 



FOILIN' THE DEVIL-FISH. 

He soon felt a lasso encirclin* his neck — 

That give him a stun, and a right suddent check. 

Fer Sam had sent chasers, and bloodhounds galore, 

That made William's Serpents pull strait fer the shore; 

Er go searchin' round on the bed uv the sea 

Fer sum place to spend their long eternity ! 

A bully may bluff all the Romans round Rome — 

But better not venture too far out frum home. 

While Sammy had tost his big hat in the ring, 
And fetched down the pressure that made William sing, 
The Hun never stopt, but put on a bold front. 
And pushed right ahead with his dare-devil stunt. 
His aim wuz to keep Sam frum cumin' across — 
But this he must do, without countin' the loss. 
So, sendin' his big fellers under the foam. 
He started in pluggin' Sam right close to home. 
This stirred up the natives, and made 'em all sore — 
They went buildin' ships f aster'n ever before. 
Fer every one winged, they dropt two in its place; 
And William soon found he'd lost out in the race. 
But still, he hung on, like a pup at a root, 
And watched every chance to punch Sammy's long snoot. 

He cudn't do much ; fer Sam went out in flocks, 
Well warded and groomed, and prepared fer all shocks. 
The brine wuzn't healthy fer Serpent, er sub, 
When Sammy launched forth with his soldiers and grub. 
His laddies were safer out on the high seas 
Than menny home dubs loafin' round the shade-trees. 
Sum empties were scuttled, but mighty few full — 
And them that got ketcht were in tow uv John Bull, 
or Terpitz' grand vision uv — seas without sail! 
Seems much like a comet without enny tail. 

219 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The D evil-Fish Foiled! — is the way it looks now; 
With William prevented f rum milkin* his cow ! 

Whatever the future may hold fer the subs, 
They Ve had their good day, and give menny hard rubs. 
The sharks and the fishes hev banqueted long, 
And countless proud ships sung the dyin' swan's song. 
The voice uv the siren hez lulled 'em to sleep — 
While Neptune's grim smile hez made all the world weep. 
His maw is now glutted ez never before, 
And giant leviathans carpet his floor. 
The wrecks uv all nations encumber his path — 
With oncounted dead but a sop to his wrath! 
The work uv the sub hez bin dreadful and drear. 
And brushed frum old Ocean his last ray uv cheer. 
Jest how human bein's kin git so durnd base. 
And slap gentle Nature right square in the face, 
Is more than a feller like me kin see thru — 
Onless God Almighty hez damned the hul crew ! 

But while war is war, man will rival the brute — 
And, placed in Hun shoes, you might out-Hun the Teut ! 

So, leavin' the Devil-Fish foiled and ondone — 
I'll chune up my Lyre fer more glorious fun! 



220 



CHAPTER XXXII. 
STAGIN' ARMAGEDDON. 

This war's gory finger hez galled every heart, 
And made it more hopeless at each cumin* start. 
The cruel years past hev made Nineteen-Eighteen 
Despair to on veil what's behind her dark screen. 
The nations uv earth, in the strength uv their might. 
Are groomin' their hosts f er a finishin' fight. 
Folks everywhere feel that the time's drawin' near 
When dread Armageddon will smite all with fear, 
And rock hell's foundations, and make Heaven sigh 
To see reek and ruin mount up to the sky. 
The hul world's assemblin' in one grand array. 
Where millions embattled must settle the day 
When War's horrid visage shall pass f rum the earth — 
With onfettered Jestice avouched a new birth. 
Thrones tremble and shake, ez the fatal hour dawns 
When kings must cease gamblin', with peoples f er pawns. 
The hordes uv Democracy, boistrous and loud. 
Stand f acin' Autocracy haughty and proud. 
The struggle impendin' may set the race free — 
And break the last chain that binds humanity. 

Both sides hev bin bizzy, preparin' the stage 
Where grim Armageddon must belch his fierce rage. 
They've had endless worries, without and within, 
A-jugglin' the cards to make sure they will win. 
In camp, and in cabinet, all must go right. 
Else armies will crumble, and soon cease to fight. 

221 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

While soldiers are winnin', great statesmen stand pat — 
But, once she goes backward, they bust, and fall flat. 
Each state's had its flubdubs and flurries galore, 
With menny good fellers kicked out the back door. 
While smoothin' the way f er the cumin' grand drive, 
'Twere best every drone shud be drummed f rum the hive. 
Each Giverment's got its hard problems to solve ; 
Fer, round its own axis, each sphere must revolve. 
The Alleys and Quadruples both hev their load. 
In gittin' their windfalls cleaned out uv the road. 

Fer three merry years, William's boat failed to rock ; 
And Hollweg wuz armed to withstand every shock. 
But Time bore its fruit, ez Time's likely to do. 
And William wuz forced to try on a new shoe. 
The Bear had cullapsed; but he wudn't stay thus — 
And onmuzzled subs had got Sam in the fuss. 
Betwixt these calamities, Hollweg went down — 
With Michaelis drafted to help lug the crown. 
He didn't last long ; fer the sea wuz too ruff — 
And, tho a game sailor, he soon got enuf . 
He stroked the cat's fur, but he stroked the wrong way. 
The people were clamor'n' to hev their own say ; 
But he jined the Junkers, and stood in their path — 
And that's what exploded a lot uv Dutch wrath. 
So, Michey steps down, and Von Hertling walks in, 
And that saved the Kaiser sum strips uv his skin, 
or Herty hez done fairly well up to date. 
And wrot a few things 'pear to ballast the state. 
He led out the Bear to the Medders uv Peace, 
And there turned him loose, seein' all danger cease. 
He'd watched Victor drop f rum the tip uv the Alps, 
And yield up his glory, and hosts uv his scalps. 

222 



STAGIN' ARMAGEDDON. 

But, 'spite uv appearances, thing ain't so well — 
When boats start to rockin', you never kin tell. 

Mohammed and Ferdy hev trubbles their own. 
And seem purty dizzy defendin' their throne. 
But jest what's a-chancin' in each's domain 
Is hard fer a feller like me to explain. 
Most people surmize that the devil's to pay ; 
And things sealed up now will be opened sum day. 
Whatever their triumphs, er trubbles, er pains — 
I venture, their losses outrival their gains. 

In Charley's torn realm, matters 'pear badly mixed ; 
And menny wise statesmen hev had their clocks fixed. 
His kingdom's a Babel, where each wants his say — 
Like ten buckin' broncos hitched up to one dray ! 
Events keep a-movin', and movin' so fast 
That one's scasly here till anuther is past. 
It's Giverments up, and it's Giverments down — 
With Charley oncertain who's wearin' his crown. 
His fightin's a failure, his army mere junk. 
Till William steps in and puts spurs to his spunk. 
He makes a bold try, and performs a great feat — 
Then back on his haunches with nuthin' to eat. 
His empire's a-wobblin', and tryin' to fall — 
If Vict'ry shud stumble, God pity them all ! 
Frien' Charley wud duck, if he saw his way clear, 
And let William shoulder the hul nasty smear. 
But, 'spite uv his weakness, he baffles the foe — 
And while William sticks, he's afeard to let go. 

The Centrals hev felt menny sharp pangs within — 
But uthers, still sharper ones piercin' their skin. 
The Alleys hev traveled a thornier road. 
And borne on their backs a much heavier load. 

223 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Their Giverments shift like a bed uv quicksand, 

And never kin tell jest how long they will stand. 

Bad luck in the field breeds volcanoes at home, 

Till sumbody's scalp is tost out on the foam. 

John Bull hez turned summersaults menny times o'er; 

While France hez made wider her narrow back-door. 

Emmanuel's kep bizzy a-prunin' his vine — 

He's found his old bottles won't hold the new wine. 

Sam hezn't bin in long enuf to foretell 

Jest how soon his mules will start kickin' up hell. 

The small fry, uv course, hev bin floppin' about 

Till no one kin say who is in, and who's out. 

When all hez bin told, I'm quite sure you will find 

That most statesmen think war is not very kind. 

But now that the climax seems drawin' more near, 

It's up to each kentry to take by the ear 

The fellers that don't 'pear to be makin' good, 

And put in the guys that know how to saw wood. 

That's what hez tuck place in a-most every realm, 
Till menny new hands are now grippin' the helm. 
When It'ly fell backward, and lit on her head. 
It shuck Rome's foundations and woke up the dead. 
Cadorny went tumblin' right down in a heap. 
And found hizself numbered — but not with the sheep ! 
Bosselli got shaky, and soon f ollered suit. 
And that give Orlando a chance at the Teut. 
France next tuck a hunch, and got out her sharp knife 
And done sum deep carvin' to save her own life. 
Paul Painleve had flunked, and so off went his pelt. 
Which soon safely dangled at Clemenceau's belt. 
France needed a Tiger, and so did the rest, 
And this old war-hoss seemed to fill the bill best. 

224 



STAGIN* ARMAGEDDON. 

Lloyd George had ruff sleddin' ; but he worried thru, 

And cum out on top, ez is his luck to do. 

Once these heads united to work out their dream, 

They quit pullin' tandem, and started a team. 

The first chick they hatched wuz a Council uv War — 

Jest what the hul world had bin long lookin' for. 

They'd canned their suspishions, and swollered their pride, 

And pooled all their marbles to git the Hun's hide. 

Both sides, it appears, aimed at much the same mark — 
To git all the deer rounded up in one park. 
But, once they'd succeeded in reachin' their aim. 
Each felt a bit dubious 'bout landin' the game. 
While William and Charley seemed hardest to beat. 
Yet, they were the ones always gittin' cold feet. 
They 'peared to want peace, and kep urgin' it loud — 
But that might hev bin jest a sop to the crowd. 
His Highness, the Pope, got a bug in his cap, 
And thot he'd win glory by endin' the scrap. 
He sent out a Dove, ez he'd done once before. 
But it cudn't git near the Alleys' back-door. 
or Woody give Benedict one in the snout. 
And told him that Popes better keep their snoots out. 
This dipt the high wing uv Saint Peter's ambish — 
Fer Sam wuz onwillin' to swap flesh f er fish. 
The Alleys all smiled at the way Woody spoke — 
And so, the peace-pipin' went up in blue smoke. 
The only way now wuz to bull the thing thru. 
And let the guns say what the world's got to do. 

When William found out that his hopin' had failed. 
He swore his proud foes to the cross shud be nailed. 
If peace cudn't cum in a mild, gentle way. 
Iron fist and bright sword must make sumbody pay! 

225 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

He told his Grand Army that cleaned up the Bear : 
"/ now take you West, to win fresh laurels there. 
The vict'ries you've gained, and the glory you've won, 
Will ring down the ages, and outshine the sun. 
But what you've accomplished is nuthin* at all, 
Cumpared to the hour when the West line shall fall. 
French soil is the place, and to day is the time. 
To strike fer the Fatherland, splendid, sublime! 
With God fer his leader, the Superman strong 
Will conquer the earth — and avenge every wrong!" 

These bold words uv William inspired his vast host — 
But sum people 'lowed it wuz jest a mere boast. 
The Alleys thot different, fer they'd felt his steel, 
And knowed 'twuz grim vict'ry, er tyranny's heel. 
So, gether'n' their cohorts f rum far and frum near, 
They braced up their courage, and banished all fear. 
They felt she wuz cumin', and cumin' durn fast — 
And every one vowed to stand firm to the last. 
They'd fling back the hordes uv a brutalized Might — 
And make the world safe fer Peace, Jestice, and Right! 

In battle's array, on the red fields uv France, 
Earth's millions are waitin' the word to advance, 
or Winter hez fled, and hez left gentle Spring — 
What's hid in her bosom, God help me give wing ! 



226 



CHAPTER XXXIII. 
THE GRAPPLE UV THE GIANTS. 

The world stands aghast at the grim, fatal day, 
When heirs bloody maw shall belch forth its last fray. 
Earth's crimson-browed nations, bedrunken with power, 
Hev marshalled their forces fer this final hour. 
They glare at each uther like beasts f rum their cage, 
Prepared to onleash all their inhuman rage. 
They tremble like bloodhounds at sight uv their game — 
A-strainin' to leap to a glorious fame. 
Republics and empires, all races uv men. 
All faiths and religions, all colors and kin — 
A hotchpotch uv passion, a cauldron uv hate, 
Mixed up in one batch and tost boldly to Fate. 
The mightiest giants Time's womb hez give birth 
Are soon to decide who's to master the earth. 
The nearer the hour, the more dreadful the thot 
That Heaven's high will by sich methods is wrot. 

The Ides uv March past, William j edged the time ripe 
To deal his antagonists one final swipe. 
He knowed that his enemies trembled with fear. 
Since he wuz now there with his hul blasted smear. 
So, figur'n' he had the cards safe in his hand, 
He throwed out his chest and give forth the cummand : 
^'Strike! Strike fer the Fatherland, kingdom, and crown! 
Dare never turn hack till the Uist foe is down. 
The victory won, the hid world^s at your feet — 
The cohorts uv William kin never be beatr* 

227 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Te Devil wuz loose, with a will ondefied, 
And God pity them that are ketcht by the tide ! 

It soon started rolling like Noey's vast flood, 
And overwhelmed all with its billows uv blood. 
It hit Johnny Bull, and knocked him so durnd high 
He's still giggin' round sum'ers up near the sky. 
Sir Byng felt Cambrai smite him full in the face. 
And thot 'twuz a planet flung out uv dark space. 
or Gough never knowed when they put him to sleep ; 
Fer when he woke up, found he'd lost all his sheep. 
Along the hul stretch, frum Arras to La Fere, 
The Kaiser had Johnny way up in the air ; 
Fer Hell had broke loose, and no one cud withstand 
The thunderbolts hurled frum his Jovian hand. 
He raged like a cyclone, and splurged right ahead 
Thru rivers uv gore, and o'er mountains uv dead. 
By day and by night, 'twuz a pillar uv fire ; 
And nuthin' cud quench his onquenchable ire. 

Frum city to city, John went stumblin' back. 
With millions uv bloodhounds hotfoot on his track. 
Peronne, and Combles, and Saint Simon, and Ham — 
Were soon heaps uv junk, jumbled up in one jam. 
The Tommy tried hard to git back on his feet. 
But Fritz had him groggy, and razzled cumplete. 
He kep punchin' fast, and pushed every thrust home, 
Till down crashed the line frum Noyon to Bapaume. 
It didn't stop there ; but still hammer'n' away. 
They rounded up Albert, and Montdidier. 
'Twuz now strait fer Amiens, Johnny's stronghold; 
If that shud but fall, then the story wuz told, 
or Ludy wud hev 'em right square on the hip; 
And 'twixt Haig and Foch, see his Juggernaut slip. 

228 



THE GRAPPLE UV THE GIANTS. 

Then, on to the Channel, and back to Paree — 
And clean up both bunches, and end the hul spree! 
Sich wuz the grand scheme, and his vision wuz clear — 
And Vict'ry's winged chariot seemed hoverin' near. 

The Hun's stroke had fell like a bolt f rum blue sky, 
And shuck Heaven's pillars, and made the Earth sigh. 
The Alleys were stunned, and swep off uv their base. 
While Johnny Bull gasped, and turned white in the face. 
He saw his vast host, the wellspring uv his pride, 
Ground up into mincemeat, and stript uv its hide — 
With hecatombs dead, and oncounted guns lost, 
And acres uv scalps in the Hun's basket tost. 
It seemed, fer a time, like a world's swift cullapse, 
With nuthin' left over save fragments and scraps. 

But John and the Alleys, at last, dropt their fright, 
And went at the foe with a dragon's grim might. 
They rushed to the breach where the Hun had broke thru, 
And staved off disaster — ^f er God, it seems true, 
Had laid on the enemy's heart a strange fear 
That palsied his hand when his triumph wuz near. 
Tho Gough's battered army wuz wiped f rum the map, 
01' Carey wuz there, full uv ginger and snap. 
He picked up the bootblacks, and "chinks," and sich stuff. 
And plugged the hole tight, and cum off with his bluff. 
He snatched all the laurels frum Ludendorff's crown. 
And made the proud foe's fiauntin' feathers cum down. 
The Alleys were saved frum o'erwhelmin' despair; 
Fer soon Foch, and Haig, and the hul bunch, were there, 
And turned back the tide in its onward grand sweep. 
And piled high the Huns in one vast bloody heap. 

or Ludy wuz foiled ; fer he hadn't quite gained 
The goal he had aimed at — and seemed greatly pained. 

229 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Kaiser got wroth, when he saw his proud host 
Still buttin' its brains out agin an iron post. 
So, changin' his mind, thot he'd make a new try — 
And climb o'er the fence where it wuzn't so high ! 

The superman thwarted, flew into a rage. 
And vowed to inscribe the world's bloodiest page. 
If he cudn't end the job, down on the Somme, 
He'd find a fresh spot where he'd make the thing cum. 
So, 'ilin' his Juggernaut up once agin, 
'Lowed soon he wud hev the Bull safe in the pen. 
His millions were fumin'- — ^jest waitin' the day 
When they shud dump Tommy clean out in the Bay, 
Then leap o'er the Channel, and cop Georgy's crown — 
And make a beer-garden uv ol' Lundey^Town, 

It wuzn't no joke ; f er the Kaiser hizself 
Knowed he must make hay, er be laid on the shelf. 
So, grabbin' his sword, he give one mighty slash. 
And hacked Johnny's legions all up into hash. 
He roared like a hurricane shakin' the hills. 
And made Tommy swoller sum durn bitter pills. 
Frum Lille, he went thunder'n' right over the Lys, 
And soon had the Lion down on both his knees. 
He tore up the earth, and smashed all in his way, 
And kep rollin' on tow'rd the gates uv Calais. 
He raged around Kemmel, and shuck bloody Ypres, 
And piled up the dead in a mountainous heap. 
He swep all the timbers frum under John's feet. 
And had him knocked dopy, and razzled cumplete. 
or Haig got excited, and started to yelp ; 
And hollered, and bellered, and shouted f er help : 
*'Cum quick, er Fm lost; fer my backus to the wall — 
The Empire's a-tremblin', and likely to fall!" 

280 



THE GRAPPLE UV THE GIANTS. 

It made the world smile to hear Johnny Bull squeal- 
Fer menny had felt the mild tech uv his heel. 

The thing kep a-rumblin', and wudn't let up, 
Fer William wuz there with his acres uv Krupp, 
Determined to win, and to bring Johnny down, 
And skin the oV Lion, and lug off his crown. 
The harder he hammered, the hotter it got — 
The longer he stayed, the more scalps in the pot. 
It looked, fer a time, like he might gain his p'int ; 
Fer matters were jumbled and all out uv jint. 
Bold Haig's mighty legions were pantin' fer breath, 
And stood playin' hazards with Terror and Death. 
His line swayed and trembled, but didn't quite fall ; 
And, tho he wuz cornered and pushed to the wall, 
He kep fightin' on, like a beast in his lair. 
And paid little heed to the voice uv despair. 
**The world's in the balance, and Fate holds the scale, 
And all will he lost if the Alleys shud fail!*' 
So argued the Tommy, then grimly held fast ; 
And, grittin' his teeth, swore he'd stick to the last. 

It wuzn't in vain ; fer the poilu soon cum, 
A-wavin' his banners, and beatin* his drum. 
He leapt in the fight with a Frenchman's game pride— 
And that wuz the pebble that turned the hul tide. 
They rolled the Hun back thru his welter and blood. 
And rescued the earth frum the barbarous flood. 

The second attempt ended much ez the first; 
And no one cud say which had got it the worst. 
The Kaiser found out that John Bull's hide wuz tuff — 
And reckoned two failures wuz failure enuf ! 

Despairin' uv vict'ry up tow'rd the North Sea, 
The Hun turned his falcon eye strait on Paree. 

231 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

O'er Picardy's hills, and grim Flander's red plains, 
He'd found that his losses o'erbalanced his gains. 
The bull-headed Tommy had thwarted his will — 
And now 'twuz Paree, er a final grand spill. 
So, groomin' his war-steed once more fer the fray, 
He plunged boldly in, and went poundin' away. 

The Kaiser well knowed his own kingdom and crown 
Depended on fetchin' the stubborn foe down. 
The people back home were blood-weary and sick, 
And all were demandin' that vict'ry cum quick. 
If France cud be humbled, and pushed to the wall. 
It wudn't take long fer the last line to fall. 
So, flingin' his hordes into Moloch's grim jaw. 
Went crunchin' ahead, swingin' hammer and claw. 
With vast fleets uv tanks, and huge mountains uv gas. 
The floods started rollin' in one mighty mass. 
The first thing they hit wuz proud Chemin-de-Dames — 
And down it cum crashin', with France all aflame. 
The world wuz smote dumb at the suddent bold stroke ; 
And wundered jest how it cud throw ofl" the yoke. 
But this didn't end it; fer Willie's grand host 
Went bumpin' the poilu frum pillar to post. 
Right o'er the Aisne bulwarks it thundered ahead. 
And paid scanty heed to the livin' er dead. 
An onglutted Monster devourin' the earth — 
Respectin' not God, er the things He give birth ! 
Led on by the spirit uv Woden and Thor, 
The Prince dreamt his might wud soon finish the war. 

The heir to the throne had performed a great feat — 
And reckoned his cohorts cud never be beat. 
He'd stretched his lines far; but his skein wuz onwound- 
And now he thot best to look back o'er the ground. 

232 



THE GRAPPLE UV THE GIANTS. 

Twuz jest a huge slaughter-house, reekin' with gore — 
But Willie had witnessed sich visions before ! 
He suddently found that he'd shoved his long snout 
Right into a crack — where he cudn't pull out. 
Twuz now a fresh stroke to ontangle his yarn — 
Er see staged agin the First Act uv The Marne! 
So, drawin' his sword, he went blazin' away 
Frum Chateau-Thierry round to Montdidier. 
'Twuz one mighty splurge frum Noyon to Paree, 
To bust France wide open, and end the hul spree ! 

They went at the fight with a vengence ez dire 
Ez ever flamed up frum the Devil's blue fire. 
They raged over rivers, o'er medder and plain, 
And strewed gory fields with their hecatombs slain. 
Sich orgies uv slaughter the world's never seen 
Since God's humble footstool wuz mantled in green. 
Wild torrents uv crimson awoke every rill, 
And carpets uv dead cuvered valley and hill. 
It seemed the grand climax uv this frightful war, 
With onconquered Mars at the throat uv grim Thor. 
The weight uv vast empires wuz flung in the scale — 
Fer each side had swore that the uther must fail. 
The Kaiser's fair dreams uv "a place in the sun" 
Cud only cum true if this vict'ry wuz won. 

The Boche wuz willin' to do er to die. 
To see his proud monarch borne up to the sky. 
The Hun wuz determined to push the thing thru — 
But this wuz the door to his own Waterloo ! 
The hul earth had cum to throw stones in his path — 
And bring the Niag'ras to quench his hot wrath. 
The poilu wuz there, with his last drop uv blood — 
And this marks the peak uv the barbarous flood. 

233 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The fury subsided, the waves settled down, 
And Liberty still wore her laurels and crown ! 

Around the hul front f rum Verdun to the sea, 
The Kaiser had witnessed earth's bloodiest spree. 
He'd struck at proud England, then turned to gore France ; 
But everywhere saw his cause cease to advance I 

One way wuz still open. Twuz now strait f er Rome, 
To scuttle the Dagoes, and push Vict'ry home. 
His own millions thwarted, he bade Charley smite. 
And fall upon 'Manuel with all uv his might. 
His bosses were prancin' — ^jes' waitin' the ''Go!" — 
O'ereager to leap on the villainous foe. 
Along the hul stretch, f rum Lake Garda to shore. 
She opened up wide, with a whoop and a roar. 
Their aim wuz to swing with a merciless sweep. 
And pile Victor's shammys all up in one heap. 
Right o'er the Piave they rolled like a storm — 
But when they got there found the rollin' too warm. 
The Dago wuz ready, whatever might cum. 
And soon the thing started to sizzle and hum. 
They grappled, and tussled, and tore up the ground ; 
And set the world spinnin' and whirlin' around. 
It didn't move forward, in mountain er plain — 
And suddently Charley wuz griped with a pain. 
He saw his vast hordes overwhelmed by the flood. 
And Vict'ry shipwrecked in an ocean uv blood. 
It hadn't panned out ez he'd figured it shud — S; 

And Hope, takin' wing, fled his bosom fer good ! 

The Kaisers were baffled at every fresh turn — " 

And all they cud do wuz to chafer and bum. 
They'd cleaned up on Peter, ol' Ferd, and the Bear ; 
But now floundered round in the bogs uv despair. 

234 i 



THE GRAPPLE UV THE GIANTS. 

They'd run the hul gamut, and smote every chord — 
And proudly proclaimed they were led by the Lord ! 
But God had fersuck them, ez now plainly seems, 
And jined with the Alleys to blast all their dreams. 

It looks to a guy — ^with sum few in his pod — 
Like William and Karl hev about shot their wad. 
Great changes hev cum since the buddin' uv Spring- 
With what grave results, I will hasten to sing ! 



235 



CHAPTER XXXIV. 
SLAYIN' UV THE BEAST. 

Fer four gruesome years the brave Alleys had strove 
To stay the dread hand uv infuriate Jove. 
They'd stood in the trenches, in mud to their ears, 
And kep hangin' on, 'spite uv doubtin' and fears. 
They'd watched the grim Monster crawl over the earth, 
Devourin' all things that had value er worth. 
Before his approach, nations trembled and fell ; 
And when he passed over, Hope plunged into hell. 
It seemed that no power cud stand in his path ; 
And nuthin' cud sate his insatiable wrath. 
The blood he had spilled wud fill ocean and sea. 
And no depths cud measure the deep misery. 
He 'peared to grow stronger the f urder he went. 
And gether new strength frum the strength he had spent. 
But things in this world must all hev their good day — 
Then moulder, and crumble, and vanish away. 
The Monsters uv earth my succeed fer awhile — 
But God, in His wisdom, cuts cloth His own style. 

Two things had tuck place since the breakin' uv Spring, 
That braced up the Alleys, and give 'em fresh wing. 
They'd learnt frum the foe, when they fell in his trap, 
That one head's a legion fer leadin' a scrap. 
So, foldin' their pinions, they'd swollered their gall. 
And give doughty Foch high cummand over alj. 
The very act done which, if done long before — 
They'd had the Hun's scalp hangin' on the front door. 

236 



SLAYIN' UV THE BEAST. 

But sum people's heads are so allfired thick, 
They can't learn to swim till they're pushed in the crick. 
But, now that bold Foch wuz to steer the hul crew, 
'Twud be a safe bet he'd soon see the thing thru. 

The second event wuz the cumin' uv Sam — 
Fer he had arrived with a smash and a slam. 
A giant so big that, with one foot on France, 
He scase cud find room fer the next to advance. 
He'd cum jest in time to fill in a wide breach, 
And start sumthin' movin' wud make the Hun screech. 

With these inspirations, the Alleys tuck hope — 
And pulled all together, and used the same rope. 

When Foch got in motion, with Sam at his back, 
It didn't take long till things started to crack. 
The doughboys were scattered about the hul front, 
And soon got a line on the Hun's fancy stunt. 
Fritz 'lowed Western greenhorns wud be easy game. 
And thot that their fightin' wud seem a bit tame. 
But quick he diskivered he'd found sumthin' new — 
The closer it cum 'peared the fiercer it grew. 
'Twuz here, and 'twuz there, and around everywhere. 
The Hun felt the Sammy's long clamps in his hair. 
At Balleau, and Thierry, and Cantigny, too. 
The Yank made the Boche look mighty dumd blue. 
Wherever they met, it wuz fight to the death — 
And purty soon Fritzy wuz sparrin' fer breath. 
His grand forward-march had cum quick to a halt — 
And every one watched fer a Dutch summersault. 

Bold Foch kep a- jockey in', try in' fer place. 
And knowed, once he started, he'd finish the race. 
His steed wuz a-prancin', his mettle wuz high ; 
And hell and red vengence flashed forth f rum his eye. 

237 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Around the hul front, a grim stalemate had cum ; 

And all wuz a-simmer, and in a low hum. 

or Ludy wuz lookin* fer sumthin' to drop; 

And so, kep a-fidgin', and right on the hop. 

Sam's millions were cumin', and this William knowed, 

And that pricked his soul like a steel-p'inted goad. 

Jest where wud the thunderbolt strike when it fell, 

Wuz what they all wundered, but no one cud tell. 

Wud Flanders break loose, er wud Picardy smite?, 

Er wud the Marne rise in its terrible might? 

A breathless suspense held 'em fast in its grip; 

Fer each felt his courage beginnin' to slip. 

They'd shot their last load, and were dreadin' the hour 

When Foch's mighty engines shud belch forth their power. 

The Fourth uv July, and Bastile Day, had past ; 
And all stood expectant uv Freedom's loud blast. 
They didn't wait long ; fer bold Foch blowed his horn, 
And Heine and Fritz wished they'd never bin born. 
The Alleys, at last, had their Juggernaut groomed ; 
And William's grand vision wuz certainly doomed. 
It seemed all the planets had broke f rum their suns. 
And leapt on the heads uv the horrified Huns. 
The stars in their courses stood still in their flight. 
And vowed not to move till they'd finished the fight. 
Autocracy trembled, when Foch's mighty blows 
Begun to land strait on the Hun's bloody nose. 

Frum Soissons to Rheims, and around to Argonne, 
They made a grand splurge, and went rollin' right on. 
The doughboys and Tommies and Dagoes and all — 
Jined hands with the poilu to work William's fall. 
The Marne, once again, proved a Hun Waterloo; 
Fer twice he had spanned it, and twice it fell %ru. 

238 



SLAYIN* UV THE BEAST. 

When Willie thot sure he had things his own way, 

He saw sumthin' cumin' that' turned his hair gray. 

Bold Foch had cut loose, and he didn't propose 

To stop till he had the last scalp in his clothes. 

Brave Mangin wuz first to launch forth the famed hike — 

And then the hul bunch uv 'em started to strike. 

They rumbled, and tumbled, and tore up the ground ; 

And spread desolation and ruin around. 

Fair Willie got staggers, and fell o'er the Marne ; 

And wished he might find a hay-loft, er a barn. 

But nuthin' wuz doin' ; f er, hot on his track, 

Cum numberless bloodhounds, each wantin' his snack. 

He pulled in his horns, like a snail to his shell, 

And tried to sidestep the insuff' rable hell ; 

Then went stumblin' on over river and heath, 

And barely escaped by the skin uv his teeth. 

When safe o'er the Vesle, thot he'd stop and take breath- 

And sort o' look back o'er the deluge uv death. 

He soon found he'd lost half his legions and guns — 

And this put a crimp in the pride uv the Huns ! 

They long had gone forward, but now luck had turned ; 

And deep in each bosom a sullen heart burned. 

A sigh uv relief swep around the hul earth ; 
And Hope, long deprest, wuz avouched a new birth. 
Proud Willie's grand host had gone down to defeat. 
And went scramblin' back in disgraceful retreat. 
The Monster had got his first death-dealin' blow. 
When Foch's mighty hammers had boldly let go. 
It shuck William's crown, and made Ludy look glum, 
Fer neither cud tell what wuz likely to cum. 

It wuzn't no time till they felt a fresh smite ; 
Fer way up tow'rd Flanders the thing opened right, 

239 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

And back went the Boche a-tumblin* pellmell, 
With Tommy a-kickin' him strait into hell. 
This scasly had started, when Picardy broke ; 
And Haig, rushin' in thru the flame and the smoke, 
Tuck William's big huskies right square by the neck, 
And piled 'em high up in an onsightly wreck. 
The thing cum so suddent ; and cum so dum fast 
That all the world wundered how long it cud last. 
or Ludy wuz rattled, the Kaiser upset — 
But that's a mere inklin' uv what's to cum yet. 

Foch's scythe had bin whettin' fer menny a day. 
And now he wuz ready to harvest his hay. 
Around the hul stretch, frum Saint Mihiel to sea, 
The thing started rollin' like hell on a spree. 
The poilu wud smite ; then the Yank f oiler suit ; 
Then in wud rush Tommy and give Fritz the boot. 
They hurtled him back, over roads he'd oft trod. 
With death rainin' down like the curses uv God. 
Thru Flanders and Picardy, Aisne and Champagne, 
They heapt hill and valley with mountains uv slain. 
Frum Ypres to Saint Quentin, and round to Verdun, 
They had William addled, and on the dead run. 
First, Albert wud smite him ; then Plummer cum next ; 
While Byng never ceased till he had him Dutch-hexed ; 
Then Mangin and Gouraud wud pass him along 
Fer Pershing to sing him the finishin' song. 
He seemed a mere football fer all the hul bunch ; 
And, if he stopt rollin', they'd give him a punch 
Wud send him a tumblin' right on tow'rd the Rhine — 
Back, back to hot wieners, and cool, f oamin' stein ! 

Foch's fire-breathin' hosses were now in fine trim ; 
And chances fer William seemed mighty blamed slim. 

240 



SLAYIN' UV THE BEAST. 

Sam bit off Saint Mihiel ; then dashed at Argonne ; 
While Mangin and Deb'ney made strait fer Laon. 
With Home at his elbow, Byng finished Cambrai ; 
Then rousted the rabbits right out uv Douai. 
Degoutte and the Belgians went anglin' fer Ghent, 
And soon had the Fritzies all walkin' on flint. 
Each duffer wuz eager to do his full sheer, 
And went at the job with a heart uv good cheer. 
They had the Hun goin', and that they all know'd — 
And this tuck the heft f rum the weight uv their load. 
They all pulled together, and pushed strait ahead ; 
And paid little heed to the hecatombs dead. 
They smashed Hindy's line, and the Hunding line, too ; 
Then smote the Krimhilde, and bulled it right thru. 
Prince Willie, and Rupprecht, and every last Prince, 
And all uv the Vons, they kicked clean o'er the fence. 
They left not a title, er plume, in their path ; 
And burnt up the foe with the flames uv their wrath. 
They bowled 'em right on toward the gates uv Berlin — 
The only door left, if they'd save their blamed skin. 
'Twuz back to ol' Germany, back to the woods — 
Fer Foch wuz the boy cud deliver the goods ! 

With Haig in the north, and bold Pershing down south. 
They soon had the Brute f oamin' hot at the mouth. 
The Beast uv the Ages, they had in their grip ; 
And didn't dare falter, ner let their hold slip. 
His tail in the East, and his jaws in the West — 
With half uv mankind crushed beneath his iron breast ! 
A Dragon so huge that the Earth shrank with dread, 
Whenever he raised his Gorgonian head. 

To slay him, to kill him, the hul world had cum — 
Full-armed, and full-armored, with kettle and drum. 

241 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Bold Foch wuz their Michael, the Lord led the Host; 

And all were sustained by a stern Holy Ghost. 

Their spears were ez legions ; their might, none cud tell — 

And each blow that landed shuck Heaven and Hell. 

Like ten thousand Vulcans, they kep layin' on ; 

And never cried "Hold!" — till his strength wuz all gone. 

The Beast roared, and trembled, and tried to break way ; 

And kep vainly struggling in hopeless dismay. 

He strove to crawl back to his dark, dismal den — 

But millions uv darts were now piercin* his skin. 

Oncounted harpoons tore his flesh into strips; 

While oceans uv blood gushed onchecked f rum his lips. 

God's merciful eye never witnessed a sight 

That laid on the race sich a witherin' blight. 

But, say what you will, doughty Foch's mighty swing, 

Had knocked the grim Monster clean out uv the ring. 

The soul-blastin' fear that had gript the sad earth 

Now slowly dissolved, ez Hope found a new birth! 

The cruel Beast, slain, welters still in his gore ; 
But Earth's grimmest tragedy seems about o'er. 

Jest how it results, I will next aim to sing — 
While watchin' the Dove slowly onf old her wing ! 



242 



CHAPTER XXXV. 
THE GIANT CULLAPSE. 

Frum Brussels to Bagdad, the ground seemed to shake; 
And every one watched f er the cumin' earthquake. 
The four fightin' Kaisers were jest about in; 
With each one a-dodgin' to save his own skin. 
Their empires were wobbling and ready to fall — 
If one shud give way, 'twuz the end uv them all. 
Outside, *twuz Foch's hammer ; inside, merry hell — 
With all topsyturvy and tumblin' pellmell. 
'Twuz red revolution, and grim-faced revolt ; 
With folks everywhere kickin* up like a colt. 
The victories ceased cumin', and that turned the tide ; 
Fer all soon diskivered sumbody had lied. 
They thot they were winnin' ; but woke up, at last. 
To see their proud visions go glimmer'n' apast. 
They'd fot and they'd bled, and had stacked up their bones. 
To save sum bum kings, and a few worthless thrones. 
But now that the scales had dropt off frum their eyes. 
What's likely to foller need give no surprize. 

The Alleys were itchin', along every front, 
To give the Quadruple a finishin' punt. 
The monarchs got leery, and hollered fer peace ; 
And kep up their shoutin', onwillin' to cease. 
But Foch's mighty engines went thunder'n' ahead. 
And paid slight attention to what the kings sed. 
Thru Belgium and France, and clean round to the East, 
They kep spreadin' out their grim cloth fer the feast. 

243 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

All felt she wuz cumin', but cudn't tell when; 
And didn't know where it wud likely begin. 
The rats leave the ship ez it's startin' to sink — 
And every crowned squealer now hung o'er the brink. 
But which wud leap first wuz a puzzle to all, 
Fer each seemed to dread the onmercif ul fall. 

Foch reckoned ol' Ferdy had least grounds to stay — 
So, thinkin' it over, told bold d'Esperey 
To open the sluicegates and let loose the flood. 
And drown the Bulgars in an ocean uv blood. 
It wuzn't no time till the guns were in chune, 
With every one flashin' like fireflies in June. 
Saloniki long had bin waitin' to speak — 
And now it wuz Tommy, and poilu, and Greek, 
And Dago, and Serb, and the hul blasted pack, 
Hotfootin' the Bulgar, and on Ferdy's track. 
Right over the Czerna they went with a dash, 
And Veles and Prilep cum down with a crash. 
The first army crumbled, the second one fled, 
And left the earth reekin' with dyin' and dead. 
They leapt the Vardar, and kep on in pursuit. 
And landed Uskub with its mountains uv loot. 
Frum Monastir round to the walls uv Beleu, 
They kep the thing sizzlin' and in a hot stew. 
Strumnitza fell next, and that opened the gate 
Which led strait fer Sofia — this sealed Ferdy's fate ! 
He shouted fer William to cum to his help — 
But he wuz too bizzy, and jest let him yelp. 
Cunfusion and anarchy broke loose at home, 
And brickbats cum rainin' right down on his dome. 
The jig wuz now up, and he had to give in. 
To save his bald pate and sum strips uv his skin. 

244 



THE GIANT CULLAPSE. 

'Twuz simply surrender, and hand it all o'er, 
And slide thru the pantry and out the back-door. 

They signed up an Armistice right on the spot, 
Which give to the Alleys the hul blasted pot. 
Twuz git out uv Serbia, and git out uv Greece, 
And hike f er the hills and make ready f er peace. 
Hand over yer railroads, yer barges and boats, 
And stack up yer guns, and go home to yer goats. 
Jes' shove it all over to Britain and France, 
And thank yer good stars f er yer shirt and yer pants. 

King Ferdy wuz lucky to save his blamed skin; 
Fer he wuz the gink that had got 'em all in. 
Three years had slid by since he boastfully sed, 
"We'll fight with the winners, and butter our bread/* 
But things had changed sum since he entered the list. 
And now he wuz certain he'd shuck the wrong fist. 
His people were ruined, and left without hope ; 
And nuthin' remained 'cept a mob with a rope! 
He felt his throne rock, ez its fury increased. 
And thot his hul kentry had turned to a beast. 
He soon tuck the hint, and ducked strait fer the West — 
And left little Boris perched high on the nest, 
or Ferdy had got it, with all uv his bunch ; 
Fer Foch had now give him the finishin' punch. 

The keystone uv William's proud arch had cum down, 
When Ferdy got rattled, and fumbled his crown. 
It left turbaned Enver outside uv the fold. 
And dried up the fountains uv ginger and gold. 
Mohammed wuz tost on the Isle uv Despair, 
With naught but his Harem to drown his deep care. 
Berlin to Bagdad, and all uther sich schemes, 
Were dumpt in the graveyard uv fanciful dreams. 

245 



PARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Crescent wuz left standin' square on its end — 

All ready to fall, if none cum to defend. 

Foch saw, at a glance, it wuz high time to strike — 

So, Allenby launched on his final famed hike. 

The fair Holy Land, and the hul blasted East, 

Must serve their last course in the world's bloody feast. 

Frum Haifa to Amman, and on to the sands. 

The Indians, and Arabs, and all, had jined hands. 

O'er Jezreel's Plain, frum the Jordan to sea. 

They scuddled the rabbits and made 'em all flee. 

'Twuz here Armageddon wuz billed to be f ot, 

But Islam soon found it wuz too blazin' hot. 

Frum Tabor to Hermon, they went scramblin' back, 

With Allenby's hounds beller'n' fierce on their track. 

They stumbled thru Nazareth, Kedesh, and Dan, 

A-cussin', and swearin', *'We'll save what we can!" 

The Sultan's Grand Army had gone all to sticks. 

With things jumbled up in a horrible mix. 

or Sanders, the foxy, slipt out thru the fog, 
And went slinkin' home like a sheep-killin' dog. 
They'd fell on the Turkey, and broke both his legs — 
'Twuz now fer Damascus to gether the eggs. 
The King uv the Hedjas rolled in frum the south. 
With dust on his whiskers, and swords in his mouth. 
The Anzac and Indian and Arab and all — 
Had vowed not to stop till they'd wrot the Turk's fall. 
It didn't take long, once they got at it right. 
Till Islam wuz finished and out uv the fight. 
They had the hul army lashed tight to a post; 
So, all they cud do wuz to give up the ghost. 
The road to Aleppo wuz now open wide — 
And this wuz the straw that crushed Mohammed's pride ! 

246 



THE GIANT CULLAPSE. 

Since Marshall already had landed Mosul, 
He frankly cunfessed he had bin William's fool. 

Once Enver perceived that the stuff wuz all off, 
He soon tuck the hunch, and backed out f rum the troff . 
The Alleys rushed in, grabbin' Turkey and hide — 
Tail, feathers, and feet, and red wattle beside! 
Mohammed, tho tuff ez a cat with nine lives, 
Wuz glad to git by with his harems and wives. 
They made him hand over his guns, and his fleet. 
And pull in his horns, and cum under cumplete. 
The famed Dardanelles, and the Straits, and the ports. 
And all uv his arsnels, and railroads, and forts. 
And things that he needed, and cherished the most, 
He saw gobbled up by the Infidel Host 
He had to shake William, and send back the Hun, 
And live without fellership, feastin*, er mun. 
Blamed little wuz left, save his turban and pipe ; 
Fer Foch had shuck down all the fruit that wuz ripe. 
The Empire wuz busted, and rolled in a heap — 
And Islam had lost a good part uv his sheep ! 

When Ferd and Mohammed went over the ledge, 
They left uthers walkin' right close to the edge. 
Frien' Charley next ketcht the new fallin' disease — 
And cum tumblin' down thru the tops uv the trees. 
He long had bin seekin* a soft place to light — 
But no feather-bed had ez yet hove in sight. 
You can't always choose, when you're startin' to fall ; 
And ort to feel thankful to miss a stone-wall. 
But things didn't chance quite so lucky ez that, 
Fer Karl landed square on the crown uv his hat. 
Bold Foch wuz the boy to determine his drop, 
And wuzn't much keerin' jest where he shud stop. 

247 ,.. .iJ 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

When all wuz made ready, hell let loose its flood — 
And Karl wuz submerged in a maelstrom uv blood. 
The time had now cum fer the Dago, at last. 
To even things up, and avenge the long past. 
The wrongs he had suffered, the prestige he'd lost, 
Must soon, on the billows uv Victory, be tost. 
Emmanuel wuz there, with his hul fightin' crew ; 
And Diaz, a-swearin' he'd shove it right thru. 
The Austrian felt that his hour had now struck — 
And courage f ersuck him, and most uv his luck. 
Frien' Charley kep yellin' and holler'n' fer peace ; 
But Victor sed, ^'Shin him — and bile out the grease!" 

With poilu and Tommy and doughboy fer help. 
He went at him fierce, never heedin' his yelp. 
He hit him right square where the hittin' wuz good. 
And back he went tumblin' o'er mountain and wood. 
They rounded up Grappy, then headed fer Trent — 
And herded the lambs in their fold ez they went. 
Right o'er the Piave they made a bold splurge, 
And overwhelmed all like a billowy surge. 
Frum Garda to Brenta, frum Brenta to sea, 
'Twuz death and damnation, and red misery. 
The heavens rained crimson, the earth groaned with dead- 
Fer vengence had fallen on Hapsburger's head. 
Sum three-hundred-thousand, with five thousand guns, 
Wuz jest a small bit uv their loot frum the Huns. 
Karl's army wuz broken, his hopes in a heap — 
The Dual-Empire but a big flock uv sheep. 
A deluge uv blood had wiped out Joseph's crime, 
And ended the reign uv his ilk fer all time. 
No more Caporettos, er shudder'n' with fear — 
Fer Victor's great triumph filled all hearts with cheer ! 

248 



THE GIANT CULLAPSE. 

With things at this pass, there wuz nuthin' to do 
But hand it all over, blood, batter, and brew. 
They signed up the papers the Alleys prepared — 
And one kin suspishion 'bout how Charley fared. 
Twuz yield up yer guns, and yer ships, and yer stores. 
And crawl in yer attic and shet all the doors. 
Fly over the mountains ez quick ez you kin, 
And loose every pris'ner you've got in yer pen. 
Call in your own dubs, and send William's back home, 
And don't wait fer orders frum Paris er Rome. 
Hand over yer railways, yer rivers, and forts, 
And seem not disturbed at the loss uv yer ports. 
Fersake Trent, and Trieste, and surrender the Alps — 
And smile ez you think uv yer million lost scalps. 
Send all uv yer soldier-boys back to their plows. 
And quit raisin' hell, and cummence raisin' cows. 
Divide up yer kingdom fer traitors to rule. 
And don't let yer people suspect you're a fool. 
Your Empire's to pieces, yer throne's in the dust ; 
So, bow yerself out, and don't let 'em say must! 
Jest be a game loser, and 'pear not to mind — 
The victors are always exceedingly kind! 

When all wuz cumpleted, f rien' Charley stept down, 
And tost on the junk-heap his saber and crown, 
or Lammasch wuz there, by a wise stroke uv fate, 
To wind up the bizness — and then liquidate ! 
The Hapsburger glories ferever were o'er — 
With Charley an outcast, his kingdom no more ! 

When Ferd, and Mohammed, and Karl, crushed with care, 
Had plunged to the sea, frum the mount uv despair, 
They left William standin', bereft and alone, 
With billows uv blood beatin' round his high throne. 

249 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Fersaken by friends, and encumpassed by foes, 
Jest what he wuz thinkin', sure nobody knows. 
Before him blue hell, and behind him still worse — 
Fer anarchy's visage had now cum to curse. 
The scourges uv God seemed to light on his head, 
Ez 'fore his pale face trooped his legions uv dead. 
To banish frum view sich a soul-shriv'lin' sight, 
He fain wud see Day swollered up by grim Night. 
He felt the earth shakin' beneath his proud feet, 
But boldly disdained to cunfess he wuz beat. 
He stood bravely up, and appealed to his own 
To cum to the rescue, and bolster his throne. 
The Fatherland trembled, overcome with deep fears. 
And most uv his words seemed to fall on deaf ears. 
His sailors were buckin', his people stark mad, 
And everything else had gone plumb to the bad. 

The crash uv empires, 'mid the roar uv Foch's guns, 
Onstrung Hindy's nerves, and played hob with the Huns, 
or Hertling snuck out, and Prince Max hustled in 
To help save the Junkers, and patch up their skin. 
He scase had the reins safely gript in his hands. 
He felt the wheels sinkin' in treacherous sands. 
He struggled, and twisted, and floundered about. 
And vainly endeavored to pull the load out. 
He then started yelpin', and strained all his jints 
A-shoutin' fer Woody to fetch on his "Points!" 
He swore he wud swoller them, feathers and all, 
If only 'twud save his proud monarch's great fall. 

But, 'spite uv his efforts, the storm rumbled on, 
And tore up the earth frum the Scheldt to Argonne. 
Bold Foch's snortin' engines refused to let up, 
And kep makin' mincemeat uv Hindy and Krupp. 

250 



THE GIANT CULLAPSE. 

Frum Cheeseland to Channel, the game wuz red-hot, 

With every one shovelin' his chips in the pot. 

The Tommy and poilu and Beige and all — 

Swore not to take breath till the Kaiser shud fall. 

The doughboys were headin' right strait f er Berlin — 

And vowed to go there, if it tuck the last skin. 

All hands were agreed not to be satisfied 

Till William wuz flayed, and hung up by the hide. 

So, slingin' their caps off, they plunged strait ahead, 

And piled up the Heines in hayricks uv dead. 

They kep the Huns hoppin' right on tow'rd the Rhine — 

And cropped Ludy's feathers, and trimmed him up fine. 

The Tommy smote Mons, and the doughboy Sedan, 

While Albert's mud-waddlers kep leadin' the van. 

They soon had the Boches kicked clean out uv France; 

And, 'long the hul front, the one word wuz — Advance! 

Fritz saw he wuz gittin' it right in the neck. 

And knowed the hul outfit wud soon be a wreck. 

So, takin' the bull by the horns, he sent word 

To call off the dogs, and save part uv the herd. 

It give William shivers, and made his gills pale. 
To see his proud visions so dismally fail. 
Twuz now certain doom starin' blank in his face — 
The loss uv his crown, and eternal disgrace. 
The Devil in front, and the deep sea behind — 
With angels turned furies to torture his mind ! 
The crimes he had fathered, the guilt uv the past. 
Returned to torment him, and scourge him, at last. 
The millions he'd murdered, now raised up their head 
And laid on his soul the deep curse uv the dead. 
Deserted by Heaven, and damned by his own. 
What else cud he do but to fly frum the throne? 

251 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The rumblin's in front, and the roar f rum the rear, 
Inspired in his breast a most terrible fear. 
'Twuz his gloomy shadder that now blocked the way — 
If he shud vamoose, 'twuz the end uv the fray. 
He stood like a god — still disdainin' to stir — 
Then, droppin' it all, he slunk off like a cur! 

When William slid out, royal Freddie ducked, too — 
And Hoh'nzollern splendor had vanished f rum view. 
The greatest cullapse since the world had begun — 
The Beast uv The Ages outstript and ondone ! 

With William dehorned, and his throne in the dust, 
The hul blasted empire soon started to bust. 
Hell broke loose in earnest — and Junkers, and Kings, 
And Dukes, and Do-Nuthin's, all seemed to sprout wings. 
They flew f rum the kentry, and left common folks 
To shoulder the burdens, and bear all the yokes. 
The Alleys soon cum, with their solemn Demands — 
And God pity them that fall into sich hands ! 
It wuzn't no time till they read their hard doom ; 
Fer Foch wuz right there with his clean-sweepin' broom. 

'Twuz pull in yer horns and back over the Rhine, 
And swoller yer pride, and pretend you feel fine. 
Give up lands, and guns, and yer dreadnaughts, and subs. 
And slide f rum yer planes and cease turnin' flubdubs ! 
Fork over yer railroads, yer lorries, and trains. 
And seem to fergit yer Alsaces-Lorraines. 
Send back your own prisoners, and let uthers' stay — 
And feel mighty thankful you still kin eat hay. 
Dismantle yer fortresses, arsnels, and ships. 
And see yer proud masters stand round with their whips. 
Git out uv Roumany, and all uv the East, 
And let the Red Bolshevist spread his rich feast. 

252 



THE GIANT CULLAPSE. 

Disgorge all yer plunder, and hand back the pot — 
And don't 'pear to mind if you're stood up and shot. 
Crawl back in yer shell, and enjoy the blockade — 
And jes' starve to death settin' round in the shade. 
It's Peace that you wanted ; so don't lose yer head — 
The best kind uv peace is the peace uv the dead! 

The Alleys are gen'rous, ez all must cunfess — 
But William's wrecked Empire's a hell uv a mess! 

When Germany fell, 'twuz the end uv the war. 
But who kin tell, now, what it all hez bin for? 
Whatever the wrong, er whatever the right — 
This brings to a close the world's bloodiest fight ! 



253 



CHAPTER XXXVI. 
THE FINAL REVIEW. 

Fer four weary years the world's waded in blood, 
And patiently waited the end uv the flood. 
And now it's all over, and what hev you got? 
Each feller a bankrupt, and ten millions shot! 
The earth overspawned with the fragments uv men; 
And hate ranklin' deep in all races and kin. 
Grim anarchy loosed f rum his hideous lair ; 
And nations bowed down by a hopeless despair. 
The tragedy's finished, and now it's our due 
To pass the hul outfit in final review ! 

Stand up, all ye monarchs, ye sultans and czars, 
Ye flaunters uv feathers and flashers uv stars. 
Ye kaisers and junkers, ye presidents proud 
That sit in high places deceivin' the crowd. 
Ye kings, lords, and ministers, princes, and dukes. 
Ye silk-hatted scoundrels and sap-headed flukes. 
Ye gamblers fer empire, ye lusters fer power. 
Ye time-servin' trucklers that last but an hour. 
Ye gold-grubbin' ghouls, and greed-warped profiteers, 
And base mammon-mongers that coin orphans' tears. 
Ye soul-shriveled wolves that oppress humankind. 
And crush out its spirit and darken its mind, 
Ye slayers uv innocents, makers uv war, 
Pretenders fer peace, but adorers uv Thor — 
Ye, who plunged the world into this horrid crime. 
And laid on the race a deep blight fer all time, 

254 



THE FINAL REVIEW. 

Stand up, and survey, with a guilt-sodden eye, 
The gruesome procession that's soon to pass by ! 

Behold ! It approaches. The splendid parade — 
The glorious result uv the mess you hev made. 
Before you they tread, with their banners onf urled, 
Exposin' your guilt to a blood-bittered world. 
Full-'rayed, they cum trooping in columns so long 
That God's spacious eye kin scase cumpass the throng. 
Around the broad earth, like a river uv gloom, 
They keep movin' on tow'rd the mouth uv the tomb. 
A charnal-house smile beams f rum each sullen face. 
In scorn uv the murd'rers who've blighted the race. 

Each host bears aloft, where all eyes kin behold, 
A streamer whereon its sad fortune is told. 
The first to advance flaunts this message uv woe : 
"The dead who fell fightin\ their face to the foe!" 

Ten millions J full-armed, clad in fleshless attire. 
Who died on the field, 'mid the smoke and the fire, 
Er, wounded, bore agonies tongue kin not tell. 
Till Death plucked their souls f rum the torturous hell. 
Brave sons uv brave fathers, elect uv mankind. 
The choicest that God in his wisdom cud find. 
They cum f rum all nations, they cum f rum all lands. 
With hope in their hearts, and bright swords in their hands. 
Their vacant eyes, now, ez they pass in review. 
Gaze up at their masters, and ask, "Wuz it you 
Who set brother sheddin' his own brother's blood. 
And whelmed the hul earth in a Golgothic flood?'* 
These tremble with fear at the voice f rum the dead — 
Fer they know full well the guilt rests on their head ! 

Next, cums a vast host'ln haphazard array. 
Each bearin' the marks uv the Devil-born fray. 

255 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

Their flamin' device shows them now uv slight worth : 
*^The maimed and the mangled that cumber the earth!'* 

How vast is the horde — and how slow they plod by! 
A mass uv torn flesh, limbless trunk, and blind eye. 
Uv millions three-score that went forth to the fight — 
Full thirty-three millions found death, er a blight. 
This armless, and legless, and war-blasted crew, 
Goes draggin' itself in the solemn review. 
A burden so huge on the Future's frail back, 
'Twill keep her bowed down till her bones warp and crack. 
This oncanny mess, frum its slou uv despair. 
Like sum tortured beast peerin' forth frum its lair. 
Looks up, and sez, ''You sent this wormwood and gall — 
And God grant our miseries on your heads may fall!'* 

Succeedin' these, cums a still sadder array: 
''The innocents slain, with no part in the fray!" 
The wave, and the bomb, and the murderous knife — 
Doomed these to destruction, and robbed them uv life. 
The aged and decrepit, the bent uv all styles. 
The mother in anguish, the babe in its smiles, 
The youth, and the maid, and the orphan in tears — 
And millions that crouch frum their horrors and fears. 
A hopelessly wretched, a woe-begone throng. 
That moves in a doleful procession along. 
They cum frum all lands where the fiend works his will — 
Er brutes, in their brutishness, steal forth to kill. 
Look down on this scene, ye, proud makers uv war ! 
Kin your souls, in hell, this deep guilt atone for ? 

Still on they cum troopin', there's no end in sight — 
No measure kin cumpass the sorrow and blight. 
The host now approachin' — how ghastly and pale ! 
"The Demon uv Hunger — this tells their sad taleJ 

256 



ff 



THE FINAL REVIEW. 

Their number is legion — so gaunt and distrest — 
Their heads lowly bowed, and their spirits deprest. 
The long-gnawin' agonies withered their bones, 
And left them mere shadders with sighin's and groans. 
How menny the millions o'ercrowdin' their ranks — 
The poor and opprest, who toiled on without thanks ! 
The nameless that languished in prison-pens foul, 
To die like the flies — and slink off with a scowl ! 
The babe without suck, and the feeble grandsire — 
And all that succumbed to the demon's fierce ire. 
Who falls 'mid the fray, glory deigns to reward — 
But who dies uv hunger seems curst uv the Lord. 
Look on this procession, ye flaunters uv power. 
Ye lusters fer empire, vain gods fer an hour. 
Ye greed-graspin' vampires, ambitious fer show — 
Look on, and drink deep uv this bottomless woe ! 

A still vaster throng presses closely behind — 
A concourse so huge that it staggers the mind. 
Upon its broad streamers, this passage we read: 
''The victim's uv Plague's all-devourin' greed!" 

A hell-begot monster f rum War's slimy womb — 
O'ershroudin' the earth with her mantle uv gloom. 
The high and the low, and all colors and kin, 
Are tost in her basket and swiftly lugged in. 
Her harvest is gethered f rum sea and f rum land — 
And who kin escape her invisible hand ? 
The motley procession that's now stragglin' by 
Are sich ez fell prey to the blight uv her eye. 
A sullen revenge flashes up in each soul — 
The nearer they cum to the foot uv the goal. 
Their wan, spectral features onveil a deep hate 
That flings its cuntempt at the murderous great. 

257 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. | 

Their curses fall heavy on each guilty head, J 

Ez numberless voices cry, "These are your dead!" 

An endless procession keeps still rollin' on — 
Death f ollered by Lif e-in-Death, ghastly and wan. 
A river uv wretchedness, black with despair. 
That flows f rum the mount uv affliction and care : 
"These millions are they who are still forced to go — 
Borne down by disease, and starvation, and woe!'* 

They hail f rum all climes, and f rum every sore land 
That fell 'neath the clutch uv the dark, bloody hand. 
They bear on their backs the huge burdens uv war — 
And toss their last crumb down the throat uv grim Thor. 
They toil, and slave on, never loosed f rum their thrall — 
That Death may keep spreadin' his pittiless pall. 
Sad mothers and wives uv the mangled and slain; 
The weak overwhelmed by their anguish and pain ; 
The helpless and hopeless crushed down by their grief, 
With none to lift up, er bring needful relief. 
Life's one ceaseless pang to this onhappy throng — 
That still must endure, and still struggle along. 
They glare up at those with a hell-bitter hate, 
Who laid on their souls this onbearable fate. 
Recoil f rum their scorn and their witherin' gaze — 
Ye vipers who fashioned these evil-born days ! 

The end is not yet ; so, stand fast in your place — 
Quail not before sights you are still doomed to face. 
Behold the proud nations — the small and the great ! 
Sum ketcht in the whirlwind and dashed to their fate ; 
Close-f ollered by uthers, blood-spattered and bruised, 
That weathered the storm, but were woefully used. 
Each lugs on its back sich a burdensome load, 
It groans ez it staggers along the ruff road. 

258 



THE FINAL REVIEW. 

Their bundles uv debt climb so dreadfully high 
They brush the cob-webs f rum the dome uv the sky. 
Their mass uv destruction, so vast and immense, 
That God's boundless eye is scase able to fence. 
Hate, wrath, and revenge, and embittered despair, 
Hev graved on their foreheads deep furrows uv care. 
They're all crushed to earth, with their nose in the dust ; 
But lashed on by pride, they keep sayin', *'We mustT' 
By famine distraught, and by anarchy tost. 
Each curses the hour that its senses were lost. 
Its choicest blood spilled, and its cup to the dregs — 
What wunder each nation now grovels and begs! 
Time's eye never witnessed a sadder array 
Than this batch uv wretchedness fresh f rum the fray. 
They shout, ez they pass, with their orbs flashin' fire : 
''It's you that destroyed us — God smite, in his ire!'' 

The rivers uv wrath hev no end to their flow. 
But keep spreadin' out into oceans uv woe. 
What's done's done fer good, and it can't be ondone — 
The Furies, onleashed, their full courses must run. 
Past horrors you've witnessed ; the present, you see — 
But God only knows what is likely to be. 
Onhatched generations must bear the deep blight 
You've laid on the race by yer damnable fight. 

Behold these advancin' — bowed down by their load ! 
Their backs to the lash, and their flesh to the goad. 
The hates, and dark passions, onloosed by the fray 
Will bear bitter fruit to the ultimate day. 
The Dragon's teeth, sown, will sleep not in the earth, 
But keep springin' up into hideous birth. 
The ponderous debt will press woefully down 
Till all feel the drip f rum the thorn-piercin' crown. 

259 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The innocent Future must suffer the stings 
Laid on the sad Present by tyrants and kings. 
This uncheerf ul host that is now pressin* on — 
The hapless offspring uv the myriads gone — 
Lifts up, ez it passes, a deep voice uv scorn : 
'^It's you who hev blighted the helpless onhorn!" 

Shrink back f rum the sight uv this billowy woe — 
Ye conscienceless wreckers who started its flow! 
The horrors you've witnessed but frailly cumpare 
With those still cuncealed by the veil uv despair. 
The havoc you've wrot, and the wrongs you hev done, 
Wud stifle high Heaven, and blot out the sun. 
God's curse on your souls, and His wrath on your head, 
Kin never restore all these mangled and dead. 
The millions uv innocents, slaughtered and slain, 
Will leave on your hands an onblenchable stain. 
Look daggers, ye wolves ; then at each uther fly — 
With hate in your hearts, and revenge in your eye. 
Fling fierce accusations, and shout, ''You're to blame; 
Fer my skirts are clear uv the blood and the shame!" 
How vain all yer efforts to shift the deep guilt ! 
Fer each culprit sword is bright red to the hilt. 
Ye victors, and vanquished — adorers uv Mars — 
Ye world-graspin' rulers, pride grazin' the stars, 
Accuse one anuther, and rage ez you may, 
But His fry will write it, when Truth hez her say : 
''All shared in the treason that spread the dark pall — 
And God's righteous jedgment cundemn^ one and all!" 

How frail human speech when it seeks to portray 
The wreckage and ruin brot on by the fray ! 
The sights you hev witnessed in this grim review, 
Are jest a suggestion uv what we've cum thru. 

260 



THE FINAL REVIEW. 

One-tithe uv the horror will never be told, 

That martyred a race fer ambition and gold. 

A crucified world stands aghast at the crime — 

Hez laid on the Future a blight fer all time. 

Plain folks hev paid dear fer their worship uv kings — 

And found their proud rulers but serpents with stings. 

Once "peoples wake up, and take hold uv the reins. 

The earth will soon cast all her sorrows and pains. 

If all the war-mongers were sewed in one sack. 

And launched on a boat that wud never cum back, 

And leave none behind except duffers like us — 

It wudn't take long to forestall every fuss ! 

But while earth is curst with ambition and greed. 

There'll always be ways to make common mutts bleed. 

IVe tried to onveil a slight bit uv the woe 
That tyrants, and traitors, and scoundrels, let go. 
But now that the fracas hez ended, at last. 
We'll watch noble Vict'ry bind up the torn Past! 



261 



CHAPTER XXXVII. 

PEACE, JESTICE AND RIGHT. 

Both sides had their innin's in this gruesome game, 
And shared fairly equal the guilt and the shame. 
The Alleys, at length, floored the Quadruple bunch, 
And grabbed all their ginger, and pepper, and punch. 
Like f rothin' wild-boars, the dread monarchs dashed off- 
Regretf ully leavin' their swill in the trofF. 
Each tuck to his heels, ez the roof tumbled in. 
And 'peared mighty glad to git by with his skin. 
Had these wily brigands won out in the fray. 
What they wud hev done Satan only kin say. 
Wise Fortune, er Folly, er sum Higher Cause, 
Snatched this luckless orb frum their talons and claws. 
Doomsday wud hev seemed but a drop in the cup, 
Cumpared to a world run by Kaiser and Krupp. 
However the Fates may hev brot it about. 
The Alleys hev William's pig right by the snout. 
His hul blasted herd's rushin' strait f er the sea. 
To cast out their devils, an try to git free. 
But Britain and France and yer good Uncle Sam, 
Must pour on the 'il that will keep the waves cam. 
Instid uv the Centrals dividin' the swag, 
It's up to the Alleys to handle the bag. 
The Earth's fully groomed to put on a fresh gown, 
With Right and Democracy wearin' the crown. 
What woes might hev bin, it's now too late to wail ; 
Fer every last ship must hang out a new sail. 

262 



PEACE, JESTICE AND RIGHT. 

Peace, Jestice and Right, is the slogan that won, 
And all the world's waitin' to see how it's done. 
The boasted foundation is "Woody's Fourteen" — ' 
A new Paradise that makes Envy look green. 
It's mighty blamed easy to say ketchin' things; 
But makin' 'em work — there's the hornet that stings ! 
The foe hung his hopes on these frangible "P'ints" — 
He later may feel them sink deep in his jints. 
The Armistice signed, and the war-dogs chained up, 
It meant a vacation f er Creusot and Krupp. 
With every gun silenced, and every sword sheathed, 
A sigh uv relief round the hul earth wuz breathed. 
The voice uv the cannon's no more to be heard, 
And everything hangs on the diplomat's word. 
The war hez bin f ot, and they're all glad to quit. 
And start pullin' jackasses out uv the pit. 
They've wrecked the hul planet, and seethed it in gore, 
And now hope to build it ez never before. 
It's up to the Alleys to do the big job ; 
Fer all uv the rest got it square on the knob. 

Versailles is the place where the spurs must be won. 
And things fixed fer keeps betwixt Alleys and Hun. 
Here, all uv the wizards are slated to meet. 
To set the world back on its onstiddy feet. 
Their magical tech is supposed to transform 
A hell-sizzlin' broth to a love-stew ez warm. 
With buoyant high hopes, they've all flocked to the scene, 
Expectin' to graze in rich medders uv green. 
They hail f rum all comers, togged out in their best. 
Across every ocean, north, south, east, and west : 
John Bull and his brood f rum around the broad earth — 
Canuck, Indian, Anzac, all breeds he's give birth; 

263 



PABMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Jap and the Chineman, Belgian and Greek ; 
The Czech and the Pole jest beginnin* to squeak; 
The King uv the Hedjas frum Araby's dust; 
The Serb, and the Dago that no one kin trust ; 
Roumanian, and Frenchman, and Portugee, too ; 
And big Uncle Sam, with his Wild- Western crew. 
They've cum with a purpose to set the world right, 
And save what they kin frum the wreck uv the fight. 
Sum's cum with high heads, and with lofty ideals — . 
But most f er the pig, disregarding his squeals ! 

With bright feathers flauntin', and blowin' their horns, 
They keep crowdin' round, trampin' one 'nuther's corns. 
The big fellers vie to outdo in their noise — 
To make an impression on all the small boys ! 
Lloyd George, and Orlando, and Clemenceau bold, 
Know how to pluck laurels, without bein' told. 
But Woody the Mighty is king uv the ball — 
Fer he hez the nerve, and the gab, and the gall. 
'Mung Princes and peoples, he strides like a god. 
And all bow and tremble when he deigns to nod. 
The world is his football, and none kin gainsay. 
And when he kicks off, every one must give way. 
Frum round the hul planet, the wise guys hev cum 
To parcel the earth by the strict rule uv thumb. 
Their wisdom must settle all things fer all time — 
And crown the proud Future with glory sublime ! 

'Mid loud blare uv trumpets, the circus begins — 
To say how 'twill finish, no mortal preten's. 
The lofty cunception each bears uv his rights. 
Is apt to h'ist up sum fine cat-and-dog fights. 
They cum burdened down with their righteous demands, 
And dare not return holdin' out empty hands. 

264 



PEACE, JESTICE AND RIGHT. 

Each heaps high his claims with a true brigand air ; 
Then meekly submits, " 'Tis a mere beggar's share!" 
When all hev onbosomed what they wud take back, 
The eye uv High Heaven can't cumpass the stack. 
So blamed menny hogs, and so blamed little swill, 
It's jest a fooFs chance if you don't see a spill. 
The planet's too small, countin' sun, moon, and stars. 
To satisfy all, and cum thru without jars. 

The hul world expected to witness the fun — 
But Woody's "P'ints" failed him before he begun. 
'Twuz — open diplomacy openly got — 
But bang!! went the door, and upset the hul pot. 
The common herd barred! — but what right hev sich dubs 
To gaze on the gods while they're swingin' their clubs ? 
The plain folks looked glum when they heerd the door slam. 
And sum started cussin', and wudn't keep cam. 
A sort uv suspishion fell o'er the hul thing — 
You never kin tell what dark chambers will bring. 

With curtains close-drawn, and the lattice shet tight. 
They laid off their wigs and went at the job right. 
To git the ''P'ints" sharpened to hang up the Hun, 
Wuz now the main bizness — since their side had won! 
The first move they made wuz to can all the josh 
About Right and Jestice — fer sich wuz mere bosh. 
The world's eye excluded, 'twuz now left fer them 
To carve up the birds lately plucked frum the limb. 
It didn't take long to slice down the hul batch ; 
But handin' it round — say, right there wuz the scratch ! 
Each wanted it all, and wuz not satisfied 
With ennything less than horns, carcass, and hide. 
Uv course, 'twuz deemed wise to keep everything mum. 
And make suckers think they were jes' chewin' gum. 

265 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

But Time dragged along, ez Time's likely to do, 

And little seeped out save the froth f rum the brew. 

The world got impatient, and wanted results, 

And soon opened up with its big catapults. 

The Mighty Conclave felt the earth heave and rock, 

And saw it wuz Do, er succumb to the shock. 

They quickly woke up, and begun to delouse — 

The Mountain then travailed, and brot forth a — mouise! 

The famed League iiv Nations wuz launched on the wave — 

A fresh Noey's Ark, all the Future to save ! 

The world heaved a sigh, thinkin' sumthin' wuz done — 
But this wuz the start uv a hul peck uv fun. 
The thing wuz kicked round like a poor helpless cur, 
And seemed an outcast, with no friends ennywher*. 
They lugged it back home, and soon drest it up new — 
But menny still think it may never pull thru. 
Whatever its fate, 'tis a clever device 
Fer holdin' the Hun till they squeeze out the price. 
With this heap uv rubbish cleaned out uv the way. 
They sharpened their tools, and prepared to make hay. 

'Twuz thot, at the start, all wud help rob the hive; 
But soon they diskivered 'twuz jest the "Big Five." 
The little scrubs twisted, and tried to push in ; 
But only prize bulls were allowed in the pen. 
The small fish cud hev what the big blubbers left — 
But this wedge is likely to open a cleft. 
The Hun and his pals were well quxurtered and drawn; 
And each wanted in 'fore the choice cuts were gone. 
John Bull, France, and It'ly, uv course, must cum first ; 
Fer these are the dubs think they need it the worst. 
The Jap only cuveted Chiny's big toe — 
While Sam wuz well pleased to git back his lost dough. 

266 



PEACE, JESTICE AND RIGHT. 

These crafty oV pirates jes' skimmed off the cream, 
And cum thru ez smooth ez a velvet day-dream. 

The chief brigands served, it wuz now time to try 
To dish up the crumbs, and cam down the small fry. 
The carvin* cumplete, and the plate rounded nice, 
They called the bunch in, to hand each one his slice. 
Heirs moorin's broke loose, and oV Chaos looked young, 
When these giant pygmies perceived they were stung. 
They let out a howl cud be heard to the stars ; 
And started right in leapin' over the bars. 
The Czech made f er Pole, and the Pole f er the Czech — 
The Jugo-Slav fell on the Dago's proud neck. 
The Greek shouted ''Foul!'' and the Belgian cried '' Shame !"; 
While Chiny throwed fits at the Jap's crooked game. 
Roumany, disgusted, plunged into a fight 
To make the Ukranian and Hunk settle right. 
The Portugee roared when informed he wuz out — 
While round the hul circuit 'twuz jest the same shout. 

or Lenin and Trotzky now stept in the ring; 
And Red Revolution wuz soon in full swing. 
The people were starving and cryin' fer bread, 
While Famine stacked up her fresh mountains uv dead. 
Where one war had ended, sixteen had begun — 
And every last duffer wuz out on the run. 
Pand'monium seems mild when cumpared to this mix ; 
Fer all must cunfess things were in a bad fix. 

The Jap slipt the glove when he'd rounded his score, 
And passed up the buck to the schemin' ''Big Four" 
Jest how to allay all this tempest-tost foam, 
And still keep the cows they had each driven home, 
Wuz sumthin' that puzzled the knots uv them all — 
Fer if one shud stumble, the hul pack wud fall. 

267 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They poured on the salve, but things wudn*t cam down ; 

Then tried to brow-beat, but that jest caused a frown. 

The Pole, in the saddle, wuz ridin' ruff -shod, 

Respectin' not man, ner the feelings uv God. 

*Twuz Danzig er death! — and Silicia to boot — 

And everything else he cud plunder and loot. 

The Czech wuz a-reachin' f er all in his sight, 

And stood ever ready f er frolic, er fight. 

The Greek wanted Turkey — ^tail, wattles, and gills ; 

And started right in puttin' on a few thrills. 

The Chink grabbed his pig-tail and made f er the Jap, 

And give the Mikado a mighty hard slap. 

The Roumy kep pluggin' the Hunk and the Bear, 

And vowed not to stop till he'd got his full share. 

The Finn, and the Lett, and the Red Bolshevik, 

Went kickin' one 'nuther right into the crick. 

The Jugo-Slovene, pushin' out tow'rds the sea. 

Had met 'Manuel's boys, and all went on a spree. 

The Dago kep shoutin', "Fiume, er die!" 

And that sort o' give the ''Big Four" sl black eye. 

or Woody had promised this slice to the Slav — 

But Victor sez, ''Nay; that's the one he shan't have!" 

This stirred up a rumpus made Hades look tame — 

Then, Orly balked flat, and backed out uv the game. 

'Twuz now the "Big Three" to bear all uv the load. 

And shoulder the burden along the ruff road. 

Things looked purty blue, but they kep pluggin' on — 
The mill never grinds with the water that's gone. 
Volcanoes cam down when they've spouted their spout — 
Time hez his own methods uv workin' things out. 
When these little duffers had spent all their wrath. 
They sort o' cooled off, and got back in the path. 

268 



PEACE, JESTICE AND RIGHT. 

They found it much safer to f oiler the rams — 
The wolf's always layin' to nab the stray lambs. 
The waves uv the tempest, at last, settled down ; 
And all went ez smooth ez the tricks uv a clown. 
Nobody wuz happy ; but each thot it best 
To take all he cud, but leave sum f er the rest. 
Their vows not to sign were ez bravely onvowed, 
And each deemed it best to stand by the old crowd. 
Orlando returned ; and the wily Jap, too ; 
And so, the "Big Five" will now see the game thru. 

Their own muddles ended, and fair Hope reborn, 
The time had arrived fer the lambs to be shorn. 
So long had they haggled about the divide, 
That all *peared disgusted, and none satisfied. 
The foe kep a-gittin' more chesty each day — 
And folks 'lov/ed he'd soon hev the thing his own way. 
Twuz up to the Alleys to show a bold front. 
And not let the Centrals pull off enny stunt. 
The "P'ints'^ were well sharpened fer Jestice and Right — 
A new Day must dawn f rum the dark, bloody Night ! 

The Enemy fancied a merciful Dove 
Wud soon stoop to light on his brow f rum above. 
He felt that the roar in the uther dub's camp 
Meant hope fer his cause, and a chance to revamp. 
But while they were scrappin', they'd whetted their spears. 
To carve him up fine frum toeknuckles to ears. 
The haughty Hun, first, wuz to face the hard doom — 
Then each, in his turn, feel the chill and the gloom ! 

The stage-settin's ready, they called the Hun in — 
And give him a dose that seems almost a sin! 
They trimmed him up brown, givin' each a large slice, 
And what wuz left over, jest laid on the ice! 

269 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

They stript him uv lands, uv his army, and fleet; 
And rifled his pockets, and robbed him cumplete. 
They left nought behind save a batch uv despair — 
With Hate, and red Anarchy, rendin' the air ! 

John Bull wuz served first ; f er John's always close by 
Whenever there's talk uv distributin' pie. 
He tuck all the Islands, and Colonies, too ; 
And swooped down on Asia like sum hook-nosed Jew. 
The ships lately scuttled were well settled for — 
And everything else he had dropped in the war. 
The Trade uv the Hun wuz, uv course, reckoned his ; 
Fer Johnny's right there went it cums down to biz. 

'Twuz next, martyred France, fer she'd suffered great pain, 
To git back the fragments uv Alsace-Lorraine. 
Revenge may be sweet; but it cums mighty dear. 
When one swaps his head fer a piece uv his ear. 
The foe wuz required to pay all damage done — 
Fer France wuz the place where they'd had the most fun. 
She picked up the Saar, and sum dribs here and there ; 
And when they got thru, found she'd done purty fair. 

The Hun had but little the Dago cud use ; 
Fer his hope wuz mainly to stand in Karl's shoes. 
The Jap grabbed sum Islands, and lugged off Shantung — 
While Chiny got hooks, and most durn badly stung ! 
Yer good Uncle Sam, uv course, keerd not at all — 
He jest wanted back the few crumbs he'd let fall. 
He'd swiped William's ships, and all else on his reel — 
But, while 'twuz not much, he wuz too proud to squeal. 
Poor Belguim received a mere trifle uv land — 
But most uv her velvet wuz cash right in hand. 
The Dane got his slice, but no one cud quite say 
Why he shud butt in, when he'd sidestept the fray. 

270 



PEACE, JESTICE AND RIGHT. 

The Pole wuz the guy that lopt off the big chunk ; 
Fer he wuz the lad that showed spirit and spunk. 

Each got a large helpin', and none seemed to lack ; 
Fer most uv the bacon cum off the Hun's back. 
The Giant wuz down, and roped fast to a tree ; 
And all uv the Pygmies were out on a spree. 
To bind him f erever, they'd draw the knot tight — 
The harder he struggled, the sadder his plight. 
He vainly endeavored to lighten his fate ; 
But vengence is vengence — he'd spoken too late! 

He wriggled, and twisted, and squirmed like an eel, 
When triumphant Jestice fetched down her spiked heel. 
He wuzn't prepared fer a jestice like that — 
Which tuck every thing save his socks and his hat. 
He ramped, and he roared, and let out a fresh yell 
That woke all the imps in the attics uv hell. 
He found Woody's "P'ints" jest a cunnin' device 
On which he wuz swung while each carved off his slice. 
His wrath rose to fury, his fury to rage 
That h'isted a billow that nought cud assuage. 
He got mighty darin', and grabbed the French Flags, 
And tore 'em to tatters, and burnt 'em like rags. 
He scuttled his dreadnaughts right under John's nose, 
And upset the basket and spilt all the clothes. 
The Giverment fell, and each tried to resign ; 
Fer none dared, his kentry's death-tvarrant, to sign. 
He strove to amend, but the Alleys stood firm — 
Fer they knowed the Python wuz merely a worm. 
At last, he crawled up, and wrote down his foul name — 
And Jestice and Right had cumpleted their shame ! 

When Peace wuz signed up, the world tuck a long breath, 
And welcomed the end uv the Struggle with Death, 

271 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

The Aust, and the Hunk, and the Bulgar, and Turk, 
Uv course, will cum later, and finish the work. 
Fer all they kin do is to open the pen — 
And let Right and Jestice cum saunterin' in. 
It's slaughter-house methods; so, why raise a kick? 
If you had won out, 'twud hev bin the same trick. 
When monarchs start in to divide up the earth. 
They mustn't cumplane if they git all it's worth. 
The Hoh'nzollerns, Hapsburgers, Coburgers, all. 
And Sultans, and Romanoffs, rode to their fall. 
Whatever may spring frum their ashes and dust, 
Let's hope it's God's judgment, and therefore is just! 

This brings to a close both the War and the Peace — 
With sum few cunclusions, my labors will cease. 



272 



CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
CUNCLUDIN* OBSERVATIONS. 

The dire Cataclysm is over, at last, 
And all uv its horrors glide into the past. 
Glad Peace hez returned, with a chance to reflect 
On things that hev happened, and things we expect. 
The dead are all quiet ; their mouths are tight shet — 
But most uv the kings are still hangin' round yet. 
Jest one luckless guy got the dose he had planned 
To give to the rest uv his onhappy land. 
Frien' Nicky got his — where the hen got the axe — 
Onless we are twisted in sum uv our f ac*s. 
The Fates didn't fate in the usual way — 
And so that accounts why he's not here to day. 
The rest uv the lubbers jest tuck to their heels, 
And left their numskullions to pick up the squeals. 

It seems, kings, and rulers, and sich ez make war, 
Are never the fellers that meet bloody Thor. 
It's plain mutts like us, who hev no choice at all. 
That's stood up and shot, like a sullen stone-wall. 
Pride, pomp, and ambition, and glorious greed. 
Are willin' to shout, but onwillin' to bleed. 
It's always the common folks, here ez elsewhere, 
That do all the dyin', and pay all the fare. 
Once Peoples take Giverments right by the snoot, * 
And say, "We're the dubs must decide when to shoot T 
Then killin's all over, and war is no more. 
And Hope will hang garlands on every front door. 

273 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

You hear lots uv gaff about dimmycrat kings ; 
Jes' take it frum me that — there ain't no sich things! 
There may be white blackbirds, but lads that wear crowns 
Will never play hooky with tags frum yer towns. 
Sumtimes even Presidents, once they git in. 
Prefer royal feasts, and neglect their own kin. 
Yer diamond-decked dutchess, er marble-browed queen. 
Is seldom found scrubbin*, er washin' the screen. 
When castles hev vanished, and caste is no more. 
Peace may cum f er keeps, but not likely before. 
While sum are still masters, and uthers are slaves. 
You'll find the earth run by pluguglies and knaves, 
or Lenin and Trotzky may hev the dope right — 
Make all the world equal, and then they won't fight 
It's reachin' fer sumthin' that sum one else haz. 
That stops the peace-pipin', and starts up the jazz. 

Democracy's good, jest ez far ez it goes — 
But millionaire dandies don't fancy patched clothes. 
The rich dub, and poor, may each vote the same vote — 
But enny fool knows which is sheep, and which goat. 
Political rights may be worth all they cost ; 
But these are mere chaff, if the right to live's lost. 
This war, like a freshet, hez broke up the ice. 
And things may keep movin', and all cum out nice. 
The giant monarchies went down with a crash. 
And common folks, now, hev a chance fer their hash. 
But still, the earth's curst with mikados, and kings. 
And dukes, and do-nuthin*s, and lords, and sich things. 
If this blasted planet wants peace without stint, 
It's got to git rid uv this hul element. 

The world is dynamic, and moves at its will — 
And nuthin' kin stop it, er make it stand still. 

274 



CUNCLUDIN' OBSERVATIONS. 

There's too menny races, and colors, and creeds. 
To let it lie fallow, and grow up in weeds. 
When once you start fencin' your special domain, 
You'll soon find that uthers are there to cumplane. 
The earth is fer them that will go forth and take — 
And that's a grim fact that no wisdom kin shake. 
You may make yer Leagues, and yer Cuvenants, strong, 
But, once she gits goin', they don't figure long. 
It's great primal forces that givern mankind ; 
And, once they cut loose, they go at it stone-blind. 
The gnawin's uv hunger are stronger than law — 
And man's jest a beast, when it cums to his craw. 
You may build yer fences clean up to the blue ; 
But when the pen's crowded, there's ways to git thru. 
This war may hev bin jest the world's growin' pains — 
A strivin' to mount up to loftier planes ! 
There's no tellin' whither the currents will flow, 
That had their beginnin's at Sarajevo. 

Who snatched the most gain f rum this onlucky fray. 
Is hard to forejedge till sum far future day. 
The specs uv mankind are still dusty with gore. 
And no one kin see quite ez clear ez before. 
The Workmen, and Wimmen, onless I'm a fool. 
Plucked most uv the plums, and are destined to rule. 
The king lost his scepter, the monarch his crown. 
And most uv sich rubbish hez now tumbled down. 
To make the world safe fer Democracy's car — 
Wuz Woody's proud boast, but they pushed it too far. 
A new set uv drivers grabbed onto the reins. 
And dashed right ahead, over mountains and plains. 
Frum Rhine to the rim uv the Orient sun, 
A beautiful red is beginnin' to run. 

275 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

or Capitalism is deader'n a flea — 

And young Bolshevism out on a wild spree. 

The poor under-dog hez cum into his own, 

And camly sets up on his high crimson throne. 

The redbirds hev feathered, and flown frum the nest, 

And fill all the trees, in the East, and the West. 

Jest how far they'll go, surely no one kin tell — 

But, jedgin' their start, they may do purty well. 

Fair Woman hez always bin under man's thumb ; 
And had to set by — ^while he guzzled his rum! 
But sumthin' hez happened, and she's breakin' in ; 
And, say what you will, she's determined to win. 
Around the hul earth the dumb brute's wakin' up — 
To see the bold Eves trippin' off with the cup. 
When mother gits there, with her dust-pan and broom. 
You're apt to see flurries in most every room. 
The world needs a house-cleanin' all the way round — 
And up-to-date methods are sure to be found. 
It ain't woman instinct, to mother a race — 
Then see it chopped up, and dragged round in disgrace. 
She'll teach brutal Adam to settle his brawls 
Without tearin' down the stone-steps, and the walls, 
or War will see stars, and back out uv the ring. 
When woman gits in with her feminine swing ! 

We all want to do the best thing f er the race ; 
And blot out the stain, and the horrid disgrace. 
But we're only worms crawlin' round in the mud. 
And scasly kin see thru our clutter uv blood. 
Our vision so long hez bin fixed on the clod. 
That we hev fergotten, and failed to serve God. 
So He sent His curse, and the blight uv His wrath. 
To make us repent, and git back in the path. 

276 



CUNCLUDIN' OBSERVATIONS. 

Man's ways are f oors ways, and are not very wise ; 

But God cums at times to pry open his eyes. 

Fer sum scores uv aeons, er longer, perhaps, 

Man's kep the world filled with the sound uv his scraps. 

But Heaven's bin patient, and suffered his sin ; 

And only once tumbled the hul skittle in. 

But Noey cum forth, with his flag flyin' high. 

And made a new promise to lean on the Sky. 

But this didn't last, and the Flood wuz f ergot ; 

And man soon returned to his lustful flesh-pot. 

This latest catastrophy, God hez let loose 

To show sinful man that he's jest a big goose. 

How vain to stray off, and f ergit God's cummands — 

Fer He's purty sure to keep things in His hands ! 

The world's sick fer peace, and a peace that will last — 
And not one will stumble like those uv the past. 
We're all uv one mind when it cums to this end — 
But how to git there makes our craniums bend. 
Grand Churches, and Temples, and Mosques, fill the earth; 
But none uv them seems to be very much worth, 
When tryin' to work out a common^sense mode 
Uv keepin' mankind in the strait, narrow road. 
There's lots uv Religions, long since gone to seed — 
But still precious mortals cuntinue to bleed ! 
There's sumthin' dead wrong with the hul blasted Race — 
It don't seem to hev the right look in its face. 
There's one thing that's lackin', and this must be found 
Before you'll hev jestice and peace the world round. 

I make no pretense to be prophet, er seer — 
But take it frum me, and you'll hev the dope clear : 
You've got to git Christ, and the things he stands for, 
Wrot into men's conscience, before you'll end war! 

277 



FARMER HIRAM ON THE WORLD'S WAR. 

If Right you'd hev reign, and cam Reason to boot, 
You've got to find sum antydote f er the brute. 
Suspishion, and hate, and the fiends that kill love. 
Will never be banished, except f rum above. 
You may long and pray fer blood-lettin' to cease — 
But all else will fail save the mild Prince uv Peace ! 

My task is now finished — and little I keer 
What uthers may think, fer I've spoke without fear. 
I may hev bin right — and I may hev bin wrong — 
Whatever it's fate, 'tis the end uv my Song ! 
There's still much onsed — ^but I leave that fer those 
Who must earn the munny to buy their Spring clothes. 

I now bid farewell unto one and to all — 
And loathf ully lead my tired Muse to her stall ! 

July 17, 1919. 



THE END. 



278 



